Struggling

Hi,

Andrea, it's exactly the same for me. I used to cook everyday but since December, I've just been shoving things in the microwave and making do. I lost a lot of weight during my husband's illness (I was losing weight as fast as he was) and although I've put back on a few pounds, I've remained quite small. I can't eat like before.

I have trouble imagining what life will be like carrying around this sadness in us. Even if they say, it eases, does it disappear? I doubt it. I used to be quite a cheerful and optimistic person. I was known for my loud bursts of laughter but now I walk around with tears that are barely contained. My psychiatrist asked me what it is that keeps me going. I lied (I don't know why) and told him it was probably work and the few friends I speak with on the telephone. The truth is I keep going simply because I still have breath in my body. I'd been working hard these last few years because we were saving money to buy  something bigger. My husband, who was 15 years older than me, had been retired just one year, then found  out he had incurable lung cancer. So, for me, working and saving money makes no sense anymore. I feel bitter, angry, depressed.

There's a lot of healing that has to take place. I don't know if there's anything we can actively do to help the process or does time do it all by itself? Will time make us whole again?

Hoping there'll be brighter tomorrows for us all and that we'll all find some small measure of happiness again.

Good morning everyone, 

I hope, most of us had a good sleep. 

How's your morning going?

I got up anxious. Just sitting on sofa. The TV is on. The Beechgrove gardening programme has just started. Not paying much attention. Its on just to kill the silence. Had hot chocolate for breakfast. Having something more decent seems to be too much hussle. We used to have poached eggs on toast with bacon, saussage. Then finished off with a toast with marmalade and a nice pot of tea. This is all past now. 

I have been taking St John's wort since Monday. My colleagues at work recommended it and bought me a pack. Nice of them, they are trying to help, but I cannot see or feel any difference, unless it needs more time to work. It is suppose to treat low mood. Well, the grief we feel is much more, then just a low mood. 

I start my second week at work tomorrow after being off for over two months. Don't feel, i look forward to it, but its definitely better to have a destruction. I get bus to work and its been awful last week. Occasionally my husband used to wait for me at the busstop, when he finished work before me. 

The sadness, loneliness, lack of motivation feels like a horribly heavy weight we have to carry. Sometimes lifting small items feel like they weighed a tone. Do you feel same? 

I am joining a bereavement group run by Macmillan on 16th September. This would be my first face to face meeting. Still not had luck to find a counsellor. 

Does anyone know, whether seeing a psychologist requires a GP referral as all he gave me was a phone number for Cruse, which i had no luck with in my area. 

I hope, today goes the best it possible can for most of us. 

Thinking of you all. 

Hugs and xx

Andrea

Hi limbo I have real probs in the morning almost in tears all the time by the time the afternoon comes I feel I bit better less tearful still very sad wishing my wife could come back but at least I can control it a little better with the tablets I'm on  

Morning all. Slept for a few hours but kept waking up  

. Like you Andrea sitting on the sofa with a cup of coffee. Can’t even be bothered to make some toast. The day here is very gloomy, just like my mood. Tv on but not watching it. 

I am the same as you and Limbo, no motivation to do anything. I think I’ve used the cooker 3 times in the last 2 months. Last night I had a microwave lasagna, couldn’t really taste it just eat it for the sake of eating. 

I hope your bereavement group does you some good. 

I think it’s going to be a long day. 

Take care all 

hugs and xx. 

Mike 

Hi Andrea

Yes if you want to see a psychologist then your GP would need to refer you to mental health services. I was first seen by a psychiatrist many months ago and have been referred to a psychologist. It's six months wait so far and no sign yet of an appointment. The psychiatrist decided I didn't need to be seen again. My GP disagreed and has written to him and changed my antidepressants which he had said he would.

Did you see my post about St John's Wort?

Hi Andrea and all 

How's your weekend been. Mine has been empty and lost. Now a week of Afters at work, another lonely empty week despite work. Coming home at 10pm, and looking through the kitchen window expecting to see my wife looking back at me. I can't help it. That empty feeling when you walk through the door into your empty home and the silence. Don't think I'll ever get used to it. 

Hi Fiona 

I was thinking about you this afternoon while watching the Burghley horse trails on the TV, at my father's house. It's not my thing, but it must have been a tough weekend for you. Seeing everyone enjoying themselves while your world has been devastated and having to be as normal as possible.

Feeling for you duck. 

Hi Mark, 

I hope, you are feeling a bit better now. We all are feeling lonely and sad even when accompanied. I went to see a friend on Saturday. Its good to have a little chat with someone, but the sadness and loneliness never disappears. I woke up anxious on Sunday morning. I decided to go to our allotment. I want to give it up. But met people there, who advised me to keep it because of the memories. So now i don't know,  what to do.

I am on bus now on way to work. Don't feel like doing anything, but its better, then sitting at home, i suppose. 

I hope, your day goes the best it can for you and for all of us. 

Take care 

Thinking of you all 

Love and hugs

Andrea xx

Hi Mark, Andrea and everyone else,

Just wanted to wish you all a better day today..Hope we can find something positive in whatever we're doing.

Andrea, take your time. People advise not to make any importaant decisions in the first year of grieving, if it can be helped, of course. We may regret it later. I'm tempted to sell our flat which is being rented out at the moment but I'm waiting a while before I actually put it up for sale. 

Sending hugs and kisses to all.

I still struggle to see a day when it gets easier every day I get up to nothingness I go to work to nothingness and come home to nothingness not much of a day