Struggling

Hi everyone,

I can’t believe it’s September. How did that happen? I’m dreading the autumn and winter, I hate the short days and long nights and depressing weather. It’s going to make everything even harder and more lonely. 

I’ve been reading everyone’s posts about back to work. Mark and I worked together for 15 years. This week will be one of his favourite events of the whole year, Burghley Horse Trials. He loved this event. It will be torture to be there without him. I will be expecting to see him everywhere I go on the showground, I will be listening for his voice on the radio every time someone asks a question. There will be so many people who work there on tradestands and different aspects of the event who I haven’t seen since last year, some of whom won’t even know he has died. I know I will be fighting back tears all day every day for the week. Then we go straight from there to Scotland for the Solheim Cup golf. 

So now I am going to say something that makes me sound crazy but genuinely is upsetting me. I will have to leave his ashes here in the empty house while I am away. I really don’t want to. But obviously I can’t take them with me. I’ll be staying in Premier Inn’s while away at work. I have a small scatter tube of ashes that we will be using later for the girls to get jewellery made and I think I might bring that with me. Is that mad?

Andrea, I meant to say, I will be working nearly every week at NEC during Oct and Nov, perhaps you would be able to get the train to NEC and we could meet for a coffee sometime? If you would like to, I think it’s only about 20 mins on the train, it would be lovely to chat for an hour or two. Maybe we can think about it.

I hope you are all coping as best you can. It has been the longest, loneliest, saddest 10 weeks of my life and I can’t see it getting any better any time soon. I’m so glad you all “get it”.

Fiona x

Fiona, I don't think it's mad at all. It makes sense that going to these places alone will be tough and if this will help in even a small way then why not.

Hi Fiona, 

That really sounds lovely. It would be nice to meet up and have a chat while having a cup of tea or coffee. 

Although it would be the very first time, i'd go on my own as we always did everything and went everywhere together. 

Been looking at the exhibitions in October and November.

Not sure which ones you are attending. We used to visit the BBC food show. 

Been looking at the Cat show and the Xmas craft show. 

Are you working on any of these? 

Andrea xx

Hi Andrea. I hope you got on ok at work today. It couldn’t have been easy facing in after what you have been through. Take it easy this evening. 

Mike 

Hi Mike, 

Thank you for asking.

I got up an hour later then i thought. But still got to work for 8 am. When I got of the bus and walked into the building,  I burts out crying. I always used to ring my husband, before i started work as he always wanted to know, i was all right. My manager took me to a meeting room as i couldn't face to walk into the office with 40 people. After a little chat and more tiers, we walked to the office together, but i kept my head down at all times as was in tiers again.

I only did four hours today and will do for the rest of the week. Then gradually i will build up the hours to full time depending on how i feel. 

After work i went to see a friend, who's on maternity leave at the moment. Just got home now and reading posts on this forum.

How did your day go today? I hope, not too bad.

Are you feeling any difference by taking the medication? I know, it takes a while to work.

Take care

Sending my hugs

Andrea x

Hi Andrea 

I did 4 hour's a day, first week. Then 6 hour's a day the 2nd week.

The first week of 4 hour days was really tough and emotionally draining. I broke down a few times, it's impossible to keep it together as my wife was constantly on my mind. 

Be gentle with yourself this week duck. Feel for you. 

Hi Andrea it must have been very hard going in for the first time. It is good your manager is so understanding, and that he took you aside first. Well at least that’s the first day done , hopefully it will get easier from now on. Are you eating any better yet . I am still struggling to eat , just bits and pieces now and again. 

I have a friend coming up in a minute for a chat so that will be good. 

Hope tomorrow goes good for you .talk later. 

Higs and xx. 

Mike 

Hi Andrea

I'm glad your manager was supportive. Not at all surprised there were tears. Don't push yourself too hard. 

Hope you sleep tonight.

Good for you, Andrea. You did the first day. I cried too the first day I went back to work. Like you, i worked very few hours in the beginning but was so drained that I came back everyday and slept for hours.

Just try to take it easy..

Well done my first day I nearly ran home I had to fight back the tears I'm  2 weeks back at work still have times when I have to fight back the tears hope you get on ok today good luck we are all rooting for you