Struggling

Hi Dolly 

As hard as it is, I do believe you duck. 

Hi,

I got up too this morning with the vague idea that maybe I should go out. I ended up reading, haven't even showered yet and basically spent half the day crying. I'm still tormenting myself about whether or not I helped my husband enough in dealing with the anguish of facing death. I don't think I did. I was so caught up in my own anguish that I think I made him hold on longer than he may have wanted to. Three days before dying, he fell into a coma so there were no last words. I know, though, we loved each other.. When does the pain go away?

I guess we have no other choice but to adjust but it's hard and I wish I didn't have to adjust!

Hi Emin

Thank you for your response. 

Must be hard for you with two children. How old are they? How do they cope? Have you got any plans for today and tomorrow? 

I managed to fall asleep but woke up after a few hours with anxiety. Trying to take deep breaths and telling myself keep calm but its not working. The pain in my chest and stomach feels like a heavy stone and my stomach is being squeezed. My heart rate goes up. Just cannot find a way how to manage the anxiety. Don't want to ask my doctor for antidepresants as i am worried of getting addicted.

Got up now but feeling very down. The knowledge my husband won't come back is not getting any easier. Its getting worse. 

I don't know what I am going to do with myself today. 

Need to do something. 

Sorry for rambling. Got one of those days. 

I hope you have a good day with your kids. Its good you have got them and you are not completely alone. 

Take care 

Andrea 

Hi Andrea I have antidepressants have had them before you. Would be very unlucky to get hooked on them they do take the edge off you still cry but not as much and sleep is longer worth a try they might help. 

Hi Mark

That is how i feel. The reality od our spouses not coming back is getting worse not better. People say do little things, it helps. Helps probably for a ver short time but then bang, the terrible feeling of the loneliness, emptiness and being lost is back alongside with the pain. 

Got the tv on with the gardening programme i used to enjoy watching on Sunday mornings. Not interested. We should be having breakfast together. I would be making poached eggs. My husband loves them with bacon or sausage. Then he would go to get his daily paper. In the afternoon we would go for a walk to a local fishery to enjoy the wildlife and the serenity of mature nature. Watching the swans and listening to the birds. Then we would be cooking dinner.

Why is life so unfair? We we take for granted is suddenly gone next day. And there is no cure to eas the pain of a sudden loss of a loved one.

I hope we will have a good day though and not everyone of us will spend the day lonely and sad.

Thinking of you all. 

Andrea

We will all be lonely I am and always will be I'm just hoping that the pain eases and the tears slow a little I will always remember my wife every minute of the day and my love for her will get stronger as each day means I'm getting closer to seeing her again 

Good morning Mike

Just wanted to ask how did your day go yesterday and how did you sleep?

Have you got plans for today?

I hope you will have a better day today

Thinking of you and sending you my hugs

Andrea

Morning Andrea , bad day yesterday tears flowing most of it. It seems to get harder not easier. I took a sleeping pill so that helped. Nothing planned for today, I should do something in the garden but no motivation. Might try going for a walk but not the same on my own. I was thinking about what to cook, probably beans on toast. I think it will be another long and lonely day. 

Have you any plans for today 

Hugs and xx. 

Mike 

Hi Mike

I hope your days go better today. 

I haven't got any specific plans for today. Though there's always things on the list which nees doing but then i just cannot be bothered. Thought of going to the allotment but may have to leave it to later because of the heat. I get sun stroke easily.

Had cereals for breakfast. Used to do poached eggs and cooked breakfast at weekends but not anymore. 

I think i will go and clean the kitchen window. Just to kill the time. 

I feel very bad because i stopped crying. I don't know why i cannot cry. Inside i feel something as part of me has died and i am left without emotions. Something like a walking dead.

The walks are not same alone. I haven't been for a walk since. Last time we we for walk to the fishery when my the doctor let my husband to go home from hospital for a few hours. This was back in June. 

Have beans on toast. Will do you good. We need to eat something to keep us going. Then take a little walk. You may meet people you know and have a little chat. 

I will be own my own today too. 

Thinking of you

Hugs and xx

Andrea 

Andrea I am eating a bowl of cereal as I type, can’t face everything else it is not as warm here as it is there, so I will go for a walk. But don’t really want to meet anyone. I haven’t cried this morning yet but I can tell it’s not far off. Have you much stuff growing in the allotment.

it is six weeks tomorrow that Winnie passed and it just seems like a life time ago. 

I will be on my own today to aswell .I will be thinking of you. 

Hugs and xx. 

Mike