Struggling

Hi everyone 

My little step grandsons visited me this morning. A couple of hours of brightness. Afterwards I visited my identical twin brother whom still lives with my 88 year old father. Driving home tonight I always break down in the car. It happens every Sunday night. Without fail since my wife passed on the 17th of January. Returning to our empty silent home every single day churns me up still. On nights this week, days /nights /Afters don't make any difference. Each day is just another torment of empty loneliness. 

Here's to hanging on in there. It's all I'm capable of right now. 

Hi Mark I start back to work today dreading it in some ways everyone trying to be sympathetic but it just don't cut the mustard does it hope your day is better

Hi Newb I hope work went ok for you. It couldn’t have been easy. How long were you off for. 

Hi Mick very tearfull at work  been off for 3months originally for prostate treatment but 2weeks in for my wife so was juggling hospitals then her death knocked me for  six hope to see doc to. Get some medication today 

It's really tough going back to work, I did 4 hours each day for the first week. Then 6 and then 8. My mind wasn't on the job, but I did it on auto pilot. I broke down several times during the 3 week period. Being at work makes me feel no better now after 5 months being back. It simply fills 8 hours of the day or night. Going home at the shift end is still torture. I'm walking now as I write this post, just to fill the empty hour's until I go to work tonight at 10pm.

I feel for you. 

Hi Newb 

One thing still gets me at work , everyone says "you all alright" to each other, perfectly normal. But now I want to scream back, No I'm in a living hell but you can't. Knowing that everyone else is going home to someone and you are not is mental torture alone. You every thought at work or home is mental torture and not knowing how long we have to endure this pain is so draining.

Still Stumbling in dark, one day at a time. 

I can relate to that they all look at you sympathetic be just don't know the pain 

Hi Newb and Mark I think you are two strong people. I took early retirement 12 months ago . I don’t think I could ever face into work again after what we have been through. At least I can burst into tears anytime I like when I am at home. I really don’t know how you do or .

 Mike 

Hi Mike 

I'm sat watching the news, waiting to go to work for 10pm. I can assure everyone that I could break down at any moment throughout the 8 hour shift if I let myself. When I go for my break at 4am, I sit looking out of the window towards the traffic on the M1 motorway. In the direction of our home and thinking what's the point. Then dreading going home at 6am to the silent empty shell of the house.

I'm guessing Newb feels like me/us all . I don't feel strong, I've never felt so utterly helpless lonely lost and bereft. I don't how anyone gets through losing there other half. I'm constantly thinking I'm 54 and is this my life now, going to work /home /work.

How do you carry on with life after losing your wife. When you're wife was your life. 7 months in and I have absolutely no idea how to cope with anything. I'm simply functioning by going to work (hate my job anyway). 

I need some time off work, because I'm exhausted. But I've not booked any time off, because sitting in the empty soulless house puts me off. Another viscous circle. One of many viscous circles were all faced with. 

Not being able to honestly look forward to absolutely anything, is an truly an awful feeling don't you all think. 

There has to be light at the end of the tunnel, doesn't there. Ain't feeling it yet and its mental anguish and torment. Sobbing at home has become the norm Mike, I'm totally with you there and it's so draining. 

Everyone in the group, sharing their pain is the only useful lifeline for me I feel. 

Hanging on, just about. 

Hi all 

Can we ever look forward to something again, anyone. I don't want to be, still feeling the pain of grief as bad at Christmas(almost a year) as I am now.

Rather go to bed than go to work tonight, even though I wouldn't sleep. Still, I'll go work tonight and not sleep tomorrow morning. Same difference, can't win. 

Stumbling and struggling in the dark, daily.