Struggling

Hi D and Newb I will try the radio, but I will also be talking to an empty seat. Hopefully she will hear me , even if she doesn’t answer. 

Mike 

I hope you have a good journey and arrive safely in sure she will be with you in the  journey mike

Hi Mike 

I've had to resort to some sleeping pills. Didn't want to like yourself, but I go to work and don't sleep at all. My doctor only gave me 10 pills so I take one at the weekend. I've got 8 left. I'd like to take them every day to have a full week of sleep. But I can't. Year's of shift work ruined my sleep severely, but I didn't mind. I had my wife. Now lack of sleep is a big problem. I go to work all week with no sleep and think only of sleep come the weekend.

I think to myself, is this my life now. Work, go home and back to work. Every comforting routine of sharing your life with your other half no matter what, has been blown apart. I've lost my wife and our dog, and every routine we shared. I feel this is why I now feel utterly lost and rudderless. 

I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. But don't want to sit in the empty soulless house. It's a viscous circle. I'll take a pill tonight to get one night's sleep, but it won't change anything when I get up in the morning to empty silence. Free time at home now is a lonely miserable time, that I dread. I used to look forward to just chilling at the weekend with my wife. Now I hate it as much as I hate my job. But work is the only routine I have at the moment.

Hi Dutsie 

Nice to hear you can smile 8 months in. I'm 7 months in now, but unfortunately when I think of my wife for just a few moments I want to break down and cry. Glad you chose to post.

I'm hoping being part of the group will prove cathartic in time. That's a word I've never used before, I hope it's true. 

Hi Fiona, 

I agree. I will never get used to the emptiness either. 

Its great you are going to visit your family. Kids can distract well. I have spent a few nights at my friends house. They have got an eight month old and a four year old girls.

I have had an old friend to see me tonight. We chatted for about three hours. She's a very chatty person and also very positive. She managed to take my mind off for a few hours.

Have a nice time in Dublin. I hope it will do you good. 

Lovw to everyone 

Andrea

Hi Mark . Yes shift work can really mess up your sleep pattern, I worked shifts all my life until I packed up work last year. But it didn’t matter when you knew your better half was around the house. I don’t work at all now and I don’t want to be around the house when it is so empty and I don’t want to leave it either catch 22 . When you see people like us out enjoying themselves walking together and holding hands it makes me so jealous and envious and sad that I will never do that again. Even just sitting in the sitting room and Winnie was in bed I knew she was there, but now it’s just an emptiness. I hate going to bed and in the morning I hate getting up because it’s just another day of nothing. 

Mike 

Hi Mike 

Your so right Mike. I hope the passage of time will ease this catch 22 and breath hope into our lives.

Stumbling in the dark searching for hope and meaning to our ruined lives, that's how I feel or I am being to negative. For now it's all about survival, in my mind and heart and it's an almighty struggle with no road map to follow. 

First thing in the morning I am s total mess and it seemed to ease a little by the end of the day just can't understand why  it must be as you say stumbling in the dark

Honestly we are all stumbling after loosing a loved one, I used to wake up with the day planned and then I'd fall at the first hurdle. After that it would be just a cascade of failures, I used to pat myself on the back for getting the cats fed (thank petfood makers for biscuits) in the evening I would feel so angry and frustrated at myself and I would find myself sitting down to the TV we watched together. 

I got to a point in the first year that I would be in the garden hand weeding the paving until I couldn't see anything rather than sitdown with his TV favourites. Now I'm a little kinder to myself but that paving still has an irresistible lure

D

Just been to see grandkids home now gave them a big hug from Gran as well as me now sitting heartbroken great to see hell after