It’s just over ten months since I lost my wonderful husband Alan,but I seem to be struggling more now than the start of this horrible journey.Im waiting for a appointment for counselling but there is a 3month wait,I’m going to try and go to the drop in cafe tomorrow,it’s on twice a month.just hope my panic attacks don’t stop me,plus I have chronic pain syndrome.But I am going to try.Alan was my rock he helped me through my panic attacks he was always understanding and trying to do all this without him is so hard.I know we all are on the same journey trying to adjust to life without our husband/wives.but god it is so unbearable.I got up this morning dressed to go out but still sat here,just feel lost in the town on my own.Sorry for rambling on but I know people on here will understand.hope people are having a better day than me...... Val xx
Hi Mike
I think the same thoughts as you and all of us. Many moments throughout every day I think what's the point of living without my wife and I know it's grief talking. But at those moments you really mean it, and I think if I had pill that I could take and go to sleep and slip away. I would. I'm being honest and I'm sure many of us have these dark moments.
I also think to myself, I'm 54 and could possibly have 30 year's of life without her. Scarey thought. The future is just something I can't contemplate, when it takes every bit strength I have just to get through today.
Your words, loneliness, silence and crying. Sums it up.
Everyone in the group could literally be writing each others thoughts for them. We are all strangers but all speak with one voice.
Clinging to hope.
You are so right mark we all seem to have the same emotions I to would take that pill if it was offered I'm 64 and hope my prostate cancer would just take me in the night 10 weeks ago I would never have had that thought
You must do what you feel is right.
Sending you strength and a hug
Hi Andrea
I followed my wife to the crematorium, thinking I'd be a right mess once we arrived. Then I walked behind the hearse up to crematorium Chapel, sobbing quietly to myself past everyone queuing outside. Into the Chapel and through the entire service, don't know how I managed it without being a puddle on the floor.
The emptyness we feel can only be understood, by those who are going through or have been through. Hoping to see better day's is all that keeps me going duck.
Take care the best way you can duck.
Hi Newb
I'll have the same thoughts tomorrow at work, as everyone else will go home to a loved one. Finishing work and walking into the empty house is torture and I often have these dark thoughts then. Expecting to have these dark thoughts for long time yet.
We are only human after all.
Stumbling in dark.
God Mark 54 it’s its not fair is it I am same as Newb 64 It’s pouring rain outside the tv is on ( for background noise ) I have a candle in front of my wife’s picture. And I am sitting on the couch thinking about things we used to do, and things we were planning to do. I think if it wasn’t for my 3 sons I would take one of them pills as well. I can’t see any future at all except loneliness. I hate going to bed and I hate getting up . It’s a no win situation. Like you said we are all strangers but all speak with one voice. Hope your day is better tomorrow.
Mike
Hi Andrea. Well done for getting through today, I know it wasn’t easy. You do what you want to do, if you don’t want to go to the bar don’t . Lye on your bed and take it easy, think about the good times you had and try and get some rest. Hope you sleep.
Mike
Hi Mike
It's not raining yet here but it's due about 11.
We hope for a better day tomorrow, but we know it won't be really. Don't we. Not for a long time.
Are not we not simply existing for now, merely functioning. That's as positive as I can be, honestly. My wife dieing at just 57 years old has knocked all life out of me.
I'm sure we all think life is cruel, just doesn't begin express all our anguish and pain.
My broken heart goes out to you all. Suffering as one.
Hi Mike
Thank you for the lovely words.
I didn't go to the bar, was sitting in the restaurant instead. I know the staff there through my husband. Asked them to seat me in a corner where no one could see me. Had a soft drink and the staff there was chatting with me. It was nice. Back in the room now.
I absolutely agree with Mark when he said that the loss of his wife has knocked all life out of him. I feel exactly same. Lifeless, motionless, no interest in anything.
I wish to all of us a good night sleep. Sending my hugs to you all.
Andrea
Hi Mike, Mark, Andrea and anyone else still up,
Andrea i’m so glad this awful day is nearly over for you, you have made the right decision to do what you want to do tonight. What an amazing gesture that the hotel is naming that function room after Rob but i’m sure it’s bittersweet because of course all you want to do now is tell him!
i remember wanting to tell my Mark that 400 people came to his funeral, that we had to hold it at the Abbey because it’s the biggest church in town, it’s the most bizarre “party” ever, all those people he would have loved to talk to and spend time with and he was the only one who couldn’t. It’s not a day any of us should have had to go through.
my Mark was 43 years old, he was my toyboy, I was 50 in February. He organised a big surprise for me by bringing my sister and two brothers over from Dublin and he was so chuffed that i never guessed. It literally breaks me to know he will never be older than 43. I didn’t get to sleep last night until 4am, looking at photographs and playing short videos on my ipad. I can’t see myself ever getting used to this horrendous emptiness.
I am flying to Dublin tomorrow to see my family for a week. There are little nephews and nieces to distract me and maybe the week will be easier to get through.
I hope you all stay on this site, it is really helping my head to know you are here and you understand the terror and the pain and grief. Thank you all for listening and sharing, it may be what eventually saves us.
Fiona
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