Struggling

Hi Mark

You are absolutely right. 

Its the not knowing how long the journey will last. 

Lets hope, we all get a good night sleep tonight. 

Sending you my hugs. 

You are all in my thoughts 

Andrea

Hi Andrea 

I'll be in bed at 11, shattered sleep deprived and won't sleep and up at 5am for work. I've forgotten what sleep is. Year's of shift work put paid to properly sleeping. Losing my wife has totally destroyed any chance of sleep, unable to switch off. Running on empty.

Take care. 

Hi Andrea 

Gonna clean my teeth and walk up the silent lonely stairs to the lonely silent bed. Lay awake all night and walk down the lonely silent stairs in the morning at 5am, into the deafening empty silent shell of our home. Go to work for 8 hours and then walk back into the empty silence again thinking am I ever gonna get used to it.

Take care the best way you can. 

Night all 

Hi Mark and Andrea,

just remember, as odd as it sounds, we are all alone here together, we are lonely together, we understand each others awful existence. I feel for both of you, i feel for all of us, we need to keep each other upright.

i hope we all get just a little more sleep than yesterday. If we even get a half hour more, it’s a better night.

night all

Fiona

Well 4.15 been awake for ages again can't understand why my brain won't shut down know every single spot on the ceiling and apart from dog snoring silence

Good morning Newb

I am sorry to hear you didn't get sleep. 

I had a few hours but woke up hot in the middle of the night. Had to put a dump cloth on my chest. 

Now i am getting ready for a dreadful day. The funeral of my beloved husband. 

Just don't want to go there

Thinking of you all 

Sendimg hugs and kisses to you all 

Andrea

Good morning Newb

I am sorry to hear you didn't get sleep. 

I managed a few hours but woke up in the middle of the night sweating. Had to put a dump cloth on my chest. 

I am dreading of today. Its my beloved husbands funeral. 

Just don't want to go there. 

Sending my kisses and hugs to all of you 

Thinking of you 

Andrea 

Hi  Newb and ALL 

My mind is so exhausted by it all I'm lucky and sleep like a log. But waking up in the morning is the worst part for me. Anne used to rise before me and so  every morning I heard the rattle of her unlocking the front door chain which strangely enough  used to give me comfort. I'll never hear her do that again. Its the little things that hurt the most. In company I act like I used to do normally before her passing and I'm sure family and neighbours think I'm doing fine. Perhaps a little too fine ? But on my own the mask slips and I look around my empty house and think 'Just what is the purpose of my life now I don't have my Anne to look after?' My crying bouts sound more like a wolf howling. I just hope my next door neighbour doesn't hear me. I've ordered a stainless steel bracelet which says ' DO NOT RESUSCITATE. '  If I was lucky enough to have a massive heart attack or had a serious accident I want nature to take its course. After all, what would I have to come back to? The bad and not so bad days seem to alternate so I have no way of knowing if I'm working through this hell in a satisfactory way or not. And it would be selfish wishing my Anne back with me again, along with all her illnesses as I do know she's in a better place now surrounded by love. That does give me a measure of comfort which I'm grateful for. And of course if my Anne could come back fit and healthy she might in time  then be placed in the same situation as me should I die. I wouldn't wish that on my sweet darling. So you see we all live in a Catch 22 situation.There can never be a solution - magic wand or not. My last thought is this. My gorgeous lady was a great advocate of the old Saying ' Pick youself up. Brush yourself down. And start all over again.' Anne truly lived by those words and I'm trying to honour her memory by doing the same.

Bless. Geoff x

' Comfort hugs ' Andrea x

My husband used to rise first, pad around the bedroom quietly getting ready to hit the motorway at 6.30. he was never quite quiet enough not to disturb me, and once he was gone i would listen to the local traffic reports to see if his journey would be smooth. Ten years on I sitll wince if I hear the bottom of the M3 is blocked or the M27 is slow.

I understand your wish to be taken from this life now but I hoe you find a future where you can put that bracelet aside.

D