Struggling

Hi all 

Shame you can't make a general post for all group to see (like Facebook)or am I missing something.

Anyway. I'm off to bed soon. Won't sleep, up at 5am go to work till 2pm. Come home wanting to sleep and try and fill the lonely empty hour's until bed time. And repeat the cycle all week getting more tired. Sound familiar to anyone. 

Bless you all, enduring the unbearable and searching for the light. Let's hope we all get there, wherever there is. 

Sleep if you can, all x 

I have read all the messages with great interest. This forum will help as you can say all the things that are happening without fear of being judged. Only people who have lost the love of their life can truly understand what happens, how much it hurts, the life being turned totally upside down, and the dread of how long will the real pain and torment last.

When Sandy passed on after 8 years of fighting this dreadful disease, I felt like part of me had been torn away. I was married just under 49 years and like all of you on here wanted to go and join Sandy. I was lucky as Maggie's in Oxford had just set up a Bereavement Group and I went for 2 years. This Group was all male, and believe me we cried, laughed, talked out emotions, listened, supported without making judgement. One thing became very clear during the time, was that no matter who we were, or what background we came from, grieving is a process and you will go through every stage, no matter what, and then come out the other side at some point.

Without counselling I am not sure where I would be but I was lucky, Maggie's, Local Hospice, Cruse (In phone book) can all help. This forum is also very important as one thing it does show you is you are not alone,

Sandy died at home where she wanted to be. I take comfort from the fact that she is now at peace. Watching her suffer through what is brutal treatment broke my heart. She was ready to go and told me very clearly how angry she would be with me if I didn't rebuild my life and be happy. 

Did it help. No.  For the first 6 months I wanted to just curl up and die. I sat in an empty house, hating every second of the day/night. I did stupid things and looking back now nearly 3 years later, wonder how I actually survived.

What changed. One day I looked in the mirror and didn't like what I was seeing. I realised that only I could resolve what to do. I also knew if I didn't try and move on with my life, it would only be myself who would suffer. As I said I went to a Ceroc dance class, as it is the type of dancing you don't need a partner to join. 6 weeks later I began to feel happier and started to make a new set of friends who only knew me as Brian as I am today.  

I still had bad days and wonder what I am doing here. I still do , but they are less frequent. I am not the same person as grief and loss of the love of my life has changed me. I also try to look on the positive side. Sandy leaving me has opened a new way of life. I am now doing things I would never have experienced if life had just gone on together.

I would prefer to still be with Sandy and do the silly things we did as a happily married couple. That can never be again, so now I am happy, but in a different way.  I talk to Sandy most days, and think of what she would have said to me when I do things that she would have laughed at or admonished me for.

I hope this rambling gives you some hope that there is a future. It will only be there if you take the first step. Only you will know when you are ready to do that. I wish all of you the best and hope like myself at some point you can readjust and live a good life.

I will never forget Sandy and now can look back at our 49 years together. I also now , through dancing for me, have made some really lovely friends. 

Take Care and Remember Life goes on around us all, Its hard at times but we can rejoin at some point, and hopefully still live a happy life. By the way I still hate sitting in the house alone for any length of time.

Best Wishes

Brian 

THANK YOU Brian for your complete openness..

I really can't think of anything more to say my friend. For at the moment I'm still  contemplating  your message. Stay safe mate.

Bless. Geoff.

Hi Mark yes sleep is at a premium at the moment manage about 4 hours then wide awake mind mulling over what happened every day 

Hi all we all talk to our loved ones has anyone ever felt heard or seen them  I keep hoping she will contact me in some way

Yes, I've finished work at 2pm and all I want to do is sleep. I'm shattered now writing this, but know when I get in bed tonight I won't sleep despite being shattered. It's a viscous circle, and it's only Monday. The weekend is no better. I couldn't donate blood yesterday for the first time ever because my iron level has dived. Common after bereavement apparently. Booked a blood count test and probably have to take iron supplements for a while. It's shocking how  loss can effect our mental and physical health so dramatically.

Lack of sleep makes grieving so much harder. 

Hi Newb

YES.  When Anne was in hospital semi comatose,  a few times I went to hold her hand and she quickly pulled away. I probably shocked her. So I learnt to ask her first before taking her hand.  Then things were OK.

Now for her visitation. It was about three days after she had  passed., I was laying in her bed with my arms outside the douve having just gone up. My eyes were closed when suddenly I felt like my face had a cobweb on it- all itchy. The next thing that I felt was being aware that something was in the vicinity of left hand. It was like something was gently attempting to stroke my hand but hadn't quite made contact. Then I felt a tap on the top of my index finger which shocked me and I pulled my hand away quickly.  I knew something was happening and smiled whist still keeping my eyes closed. Then in my inner vision I saw very tiny twinkling stars that looked like kisses x. A shape began to form which I thought at first was a circle being formed but soon  realised it was forming into a heart. I slowly opened my eyes hoping to see Anne but I was unable to. But I felt a calm peaceful feeling working through me so I knew Anne was telling me she was OK. She used the same tactic to shock me as I had done to her in hospital. I did  not imagine any of this and I was awake when it happened. Anne knew I had strong spiritual beliefs and I had experienced something similar after my dad died. This is why I'm bearing up in a much stronger way than I imagined because I know Anne is now safe in another dimension and surrounded by love. Free of all her Earthly pain and suffering.

P.S.. If you go looking for signs they won't happen. However if any thing does happen it will be when you least expect it. And your every instinct  will tell you this is the real thing.

Bless. Geoff.

Hi Newb

YES.  When Anne was in hospital semi comatose,  a few times I went to hold her hand and she quickly pulled away. I probably shocked her. So I learnt to ask her first before taking her hand.  Then things were OK.

Now for her visitation. It was about three days after she had  passed., I was laying in her bed with my arms outside the douve having just gone up. My eyes were closed when suddenly I felt like my face had a cobweb on it- all itchy. The next thing that I felt was being aware that something was in the vicinity of left hand. It was like something was gently attempting to stroke my hand but hadn't quite made contact. Then I felt a tap on the top of my index finger which shocked me and I pulled my hand away quickly.  I knew something was happening and smiled whist still keeping my eyes closed. Then in my inner vision I saw very tiny twinkling stars that looked like kisses x. A shape began to form which I thought at first was a circle being formed but soon  realised it was forming into a heart. I slowly opened my eyes hoping to see Anne but I was unable to. But I felt a calm peaceful feeling working through me so I knew Anne was telling me she was OK. She used the same tactic to shock me as I had done to her in hospital. I did  not imagine any of this and I was awake when it happened. Anne knew I had strong spiritual beliefs and I had experienced something similar after my dad died. This is why I'm bearing up in a much stronger way than I imagined because I know Anne is now safe in another dimension and surrounded by love. Free of all her Earthly pain and suffering.

P.S.. If you go looking for signs they won't happen. However if any thing does happen it will be when you least expect it. And your every instinct  will tell you this is the real thing.

Bless. Geoff.

Thanks Geoff I have been to a medium who told me many things that only I would know but it's not the same as being in contact directly although she did say she loved me which was one of the questions I had asked her to say before I went to see this person sorry running on again but yes perhaps I'm being impatient 

Hi Newb

Hey don't apologise for running on my friend. There are few people we can speak about these things to because they either think we are imagining stuff or it embarrasses them. I had thought before about posting my experience with Anne but for the reasons I stated above thought better of it. Yet you raised the issue which then told me it would be alright.Thanks Newb

Bless. Geoff.