Not coping well

Hi Anne

Its only just over eight weeks since I lost Steve, and each day seems to get worse, and the loss greater, each time I have to sort anything or do anything that he would have been doing I just crumble, and spend my days just saying why,why,why, life is pointless without him, and yes like you I get up shower and wonder how to get through the day, before I can go back to bed and not sleep.

My youngest daughter and Grandson ring me or visit me every day, and as a widow herself knows what I am going through but my other daughter who has never married or had a long term relationship doesn't want to even visit as she finds it hard to be with me and not her dad.

I have had to attend yet another funeral this week, one of my old employee's has lost her husband to cancer and he was only 56 years old, she was not aware that I had lost Steve, and was just as devastated as us all when told, the group of widows around  me now is building up so maybe we start our own group to support each other, but I'm not sure if I am ready for that yet.

I have been reading some of the posts regarding ashes, Steve wanted to go into the family grave, about 30 miles away with his grandparents and parents, and wanted us both in there, I find that I want to keep some of him with me, so I have got some of him to keep as well as have a ring and earing's made from some of his ashes, the girl's also want to keep a small urn with ashes in, so that's ok, I'm sure he wouldn't mind, then when I have gone they can put his ashes in with me and we can be together again. I know that may sound strange but it helps me get through the days.

I also kept some of his hair so I can ware in a locket, and I had his fingerprints taken and am having a silver heart with his thumb print engraved on it so I feel close to him, some people think its over the top, but its my shoes I walk in every day and its whatever I need to get me through.

you also have to find something that helps just for you and makes you feel close to John its not about others or their opinions, you should just do what you need each day,

I was sent a quote from one of my other widow friends that say's "I have friends & family to do things with but now nobody to do nothing with " and I think that's where the loneliness comes in.

please take care of yourself and try not to be hard on yourself its still early day for us both, and we may never feel normal ever again

sending hugs and love to you and all in this group,

Barb x

Hi Barb

Your other daughter is like mine, single, never had a long term relationship, doesn't like coming here because John isn't  here. She has also been the one who has given 'helpful advice' - told me I should go away on holiday (on my own, so soon?), get a dog (I've never had a dog so that would be very stressful l I think!), and go back to work (I've been retired for about 5 years). She hasn't a clue.

Doctor has prescribed some anti-depressants but I haven't  started taking them yet, really not sure about it. I'm not depressed as such, I'm griefstricken. And exhausted,  so don't  want to feel even more zonked! 

I tried to talk to my son and daughter about John's ashes  but they didn't  want to discuss it. A friend is going with me next week to collect them so that at least I'll have them in the house, and can decide at a later date what to do with them.

The having nobody to do nothing with comment I can really identify with. I also miss going out together spontaneously for a walk, or to a garden, or for lunch. Or just sitting watching a film on TV.  I really dread the dark winter evenings coming.

Sorry, not helping you at all Barb, but we know how each other feels I think, and that helps a bit.

Anne xx

Your doing just what a grief ridden person does and I'm sure going back to work won't give you what you want I sold my business to retire and be with Steve Las November but don't regret it the time we spent together was special and no way will I look for another job. I do have the cat and she is lovely and keeps me company some of the time but only in her time, I don't think there is a tablet for grief but just do what you need to do for yourself. 

It does help writing things down so keep doing it 

Hugs 

Barb 

Hi Annieh,

Its so very hard, can you try and do one kind thing for yourself each day. Your really deserve kindness , you are trying to cope with a journey that we didn't ask for or wanted. It's tough.

Love and courage

Marie

It's been eighteen months Scince my Audrey past on and I still just want to be left alone to greive. It just seems life is rolling on regardless and I'm expected to get back to it. 

I just can't do that. It is not possible. 

Re ashes. I keep Auds in a sealed bag rapped up in her clothes  and gaffa tape and I hold my Audrey every night and most of the day.

I hope this hasn't gone to far of post. I was gonna start a new one but your posts hit my heart. 

Xxx to all 

Hi Marie

I had a pedicure yesterday and my toenails painted, just a small indulgence. John always encouraged me to have pampering sessions! Tomorrow I'm going to stay with friends for a night. I try to keep busy, but it's difficult because I'm so tired. I also feel very sad that my son and daughter don't want to spend any time with me because they can't cope with my grief. I'm having to rely on friends for support but they're busy people with their own lives. Doctor had prescribed Sertraline anti depressant but I've not started taking them yet, really not sure as I've never had anything like that before and I'm not depressed as such, just very unhappy. Will they help I wonder, or just knock me out?

Anne x

Hi Anne,

Grief really takes a lot of energy from us. That's my own experience too. In the months after Paul's death I felt so tired at times that I was wondering whether I too had become sick. But I think it was only my system coping with all the months of caring for him and the stress of worrying about him and about what would happen, with the trauma of actually losing him, and with the stream of tears and actually understanding that I was going to be on my own and that he was never going to come back. So I think this tiredness is a feeling that is a normal part of grief and hopefully it will pass over time.

I understand your sadness regarding your children and that they avoid contact with you because they can't see you grieving. It's very sad when people do such things, particularly the own kids. And, although we always say that we have to accept that everyone's grief is different, I also wonder if there are things that are simply unacceptable and if this is perhaps one of those things. I mean, you are a family. When if no now is the time to really be together and be close?

I understand that you are thinking about whether or not to take the anti-depressants. I had the same conversation with my GP a year ago. I had been on 5 mg of my anti-depressant for a while when she suggested that we might increase the dose because of what had happened. I first wanted to say no and that I was grieving and not depressed, but then I thought that perhaps it would help me to do the things I wanted and needed to do with a little more energy and fewer tears. And it did work for me. I was able to find resources, you know, that I wouldn't have been able to find otherwise because I wouldn't have felt the motivation to look for them.

I am sorry you are finding it so difficult to cope. But it sounds like you are doing all the right things, including staying with friends tonight and generally spending time with people. Remember also to eat well and to try and get as much sleep as you can. You will probably feel like this for a while, but what you call "not coping well" is actually coping very well with a very, very difficult situation. Your process sounds really "normal" and like what all of us go through, so don't worry about it being different or you being different.

Love and hugs

Mel.

Thanks Mel for your very kind words and helpful advice. I am very sad about the lack of support from my children, particularly my daughter, who seems to think that phoning me once a week is enough, and that's a bit of waste of time because ever since she told me I talked about John too much I don't even feel I can mention him, so we have pretty pointless conversations. While my children aren't nearby and both have busy lives, I am very disappointed that they're being like this, and I think John would be too, but I don't think he'd be surprised about my daughter, as she lives alone, has never had a long term relationship and has always been very self-centred. My son is better, but not 'good at emotion' as he puts it, and neither of them wants to spend time with me at the moment. I hope that might change, but in the meantime I have to rely on friends. I am going to be having some counselling soon though. 

I probably will start the anti-depressants but it says in the leaflet they can take weeks to kick in, and the possible side effects are quite scary, but I know they have to list them even if they're very rare. 

I'm not much help or support to others at the moment but do appreciate it when I get lovely replies like yours. Hope you're coping and that you can make a decision about Paul's ashes. I'm going to collect John's next week but just 2 months on I don't feel up to deciding what to do with them yet. The children aren't interested in that either, but perhaps they will be, in time.

Love and hugs to you too

Anne x

Hi AnneH. thoughts are with you

Take care

ianb