Overwhelming sense of loss .

Hi Mark

Firstly so sorry for your loss, its is horrendous feeling utterly loss, I am sure you will gain some sort of comfort with us because we know only to well what you are going through and unless you have lost your partner/spouse no one knows how utterly painful it is. As I have said in previous posts I have lost both parents that i adored a sister i loved so much and i thought the pain of losing them was bad but nothing prepared me for the pain i have gone through over losing my Partner

its the total loneliness also you could be in a room full of people but your still lonely your still broken. I lost my partner end of April he got diagnosed October totally out the blue one minute we was out shopping next were are at the Doctors being told stage 4 cancer, the same week my sister got diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer she couldn't have any treatment and passed in January. I feel though I have been grieving since October because my man tried to push me away and shut me out he went from this loving caring best man ever to not wanting to talk or telling me when he passes he will be back to normal and be right by my side again

he did say the pain he seen me in over my sister he thought it was best he shut me out so it wont be to painful for me when he passed. How bloody wrong he was its torturer most of the time I wish it was me gone not him, You will get great strength from this group Mark keep posting what ever your feeling and we will always try and help you.

I posted this morning about the way I have been drinking read the replies I got and that sparred me on now not to try and block this pain with a drink so I know I wont drink now the girls even had me laughing with there replies 

Take care of yourself and post anytime im sure what ever your feeling there will be someone on here that as or does feel the same

sending you a viral hug Jane x

Thanks for that Jane. I agree with you that losing one or both parents is awful. I lost my mother who was 82. Like you duck, the loss of your soul mate feels a hundred times worse. I could never have imagined the pain we feel when we lose our spouse and you're right, no matter whose company we are in or whatever we are doing. The pain /loss/loneliness /feeling lost is always in my head and cannot be muted. I'm back at work but feel like I'm just going through the motions. Self-preservation if you like. I look forward to nothing, can't even sleep. Hoping this group will provide some comfort and therapy for me. Bless you Jane, for you must be a strong woman to bear the losses you have in your family.

Mark x 

Hi Mark 

Sorry for my late reply I don’t feel strong like you I can’t sleep and look forward to nothing. I wish I could have the attitude that I will live for me and my partner now but I haven’t got that  I just want him. But I suppose it’s still early days for me. Try and stay strong it’s all any of us can do now 

big hugs x

Hi Jane 

I don't feel strong at all my duck. I've been for a walk on our local park today and looking at everyone enjoying themselves made me miss my wife even more. We would walk the park with our dog. Now I've lost both and going anywhere alone I feel utterly lost. It took all my strength not to break down on the park in public. I just managed to drive home and let it all out. I try to get through each day one day at a time and look no further forward than tomorrow, which is a horrible thought. But that's the best I can manage for now. It's 6 months now and I feel worse, I'm just functioning not living and not knowing how long this grieving pain will last is almost as painful as losing my wife. That's how I feel. Does anyone else in the group feel the same.

Mark.x 

I certainly feel like that.

mark I think the way I wrote my last looked like I said you was strong. What I meant was I am not strong like you. Meaning your not strong at the minute and I’m the same as you I’m not strong either at the minute due to the cards we have been dealt 

I hope that makes more sense to you I think it’s the way I wrote it before it looked like I said you was strong x

It's ok duck. 

This kind of grief were going through is so mentally and physically draining isn't it. I'm a 6ft 1 man reduced to an empty shell hoping the pain will ease but afraid of how long it may take. x

Mark. 

It truly is. I remember my Partner saying sorry on a couple of occasions to me I’d say please don’t say that this is not your fault and he’d say it’s worse for you and even Macmillan say that it’s worse for the loved ones. He’d say I’m sorry I’m not going to be around for our plans and breaking your heart and causing you so much pain. My heart would break listening to him. I know now how he went from being such a caring man showering me with love and effection to when he got diagnosed trying to push me away he’d say it’s the kindest thing for you that I can do so the pain isn’t to raw when I pass because we love each other that much bless him x

i wouldn’t wish this pain and existence on my worse enemy 

Yes duck, we all find ourselves using your last sentence to others. Knowing they have absolutely no idea, as I didn't until my loss. I hadn't a clue that one feel such pain until now. For now I fight a losing battle against this pain every day, vainly searching for the light at the end of the tunnel. I accept it the grieving process but I still think of it as mental torture, over which I have no control.

Mark. 

Hi Mark 

It is mental torture isn’t it and physical because we all neglect our own health because we are so consumed in grief. I do feel at times I’m not in the raw grief I was in and then boom I’m back in it.  People have always turned to me for help or advice (I don’t t know why ha) some still think they can sometimes I can listen and give advice in what I’d do in that situation. Most of the time now though it just deflated me to much even by looking at someone’s face looking sad. now I get worried thinking I’m treading water horrendously at the minute petrifyied I’m going back in to that big black hole of despair if they tell me there problems, I have never been like that I have always listened to people just shows you my strength is blow away big time. I now realise because I’d look at friends or colleagues thinking really your off loading your problems on me and what I’m going through but then I have realised they haven’t been through our pain so they don’t understand. I get the usual how are you it’s so sad and your so strong. If only they knew but I’m glad there not in our situation like you said it’s utter torture.

hope you have a better day today Jane x

Hi Jane. 

Had a bad day today, despite seeing my 7&3 year old little step grandsons. The thought of my wife not living to see her grandsons grow up tares me apart. There is no respite from grief and it's so debilitating I feel.

Mark.