I want to scream today

Hello,

I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. I have no words, I have no advice. All I can offer is my love and thoughts for your tragedy. You are a very strong individual

Please take care

Lots and lots of love,

Carly

Hi

I play my partners voice messages or even a little video i took of him just before he was diagnosed.Your not being needy at all your just wanting your life back with your man before you got hit with this dreaded disease like we all do we all long for when our lives were sort of normal. so please dont ever think your needy

keep posting on here talk to us we will try and help you through

my man was end of April so not long after yours we can all try and help each other have you had any counselling ? I went and its helped me a little although I find it easier speaking on here because unfortunately  you all know the pain and suffering we are going through'

stay in touch on here message me if you want but please dont think your needy you are far from it your are in the raw stage of grief you can do this you can feel a bit stronger over this like we all can by helping each other 

big hugs to you Jane x

Thank you Carly

I am so sorry for your loss Jane.

My man suffered  but never complained. He went through so much and I have some serious questions about things. Indeed the oncologist wrote that they questioned whether they’d missed something and offered second opinion. What a farce  that was. She recommended  A Harley Street Doctor Who is not only a working colleague also a friend. When we attended even though we’d asked them to make sure that the records and scans have been looked at before the consultation the first thing we found out was that they have not been received. Horrendously long journey there and back from my mum who is so unwell that was a complete and utter waste of time . The doctor in question filled his time by suggesting that when he was stronger my husband could go up to London and he would repeat everything but mentioned the downside to this would could be that if another sepsis attack occurred he would die in London away from his family Despite me the family and the hospice staff reassuring him that that wasn’t going to happen it played on his mind and two weeks later he went from being in the hospice to get a bit stronger and to give me a rest to dying.

 And anger is not the word I felt and still feel about the Doctor Who is supposed to provide as a professional second opinion on Graham’s owners. And I have told him this So no second opinion was ever obtained. If you go to my questions im wonderinG If  the best thing to do would be to ask Pals  to forward me all of Graham‘s records and scanned so that I can get that second opinion that we needed. It won’t help Graham not sure how it will help me really because it won’t bring in back but maybe  it will help me to get some kind of closure On the medical side of things. Or maybe I should just leave it. Paragraph

 On the medical side of things. Or maybe I should just leave it.

 I just want to feel his presence I get loads of white feathers I don’t sixsome they just jumped in front of me and I know that young birds around as we live in the country and don’t want to be falling myself but so  desperately want to believe. I have been doing okay but am I the bust up  with my son who works with me in a family business followed by a telephone call asking to speak to my man (from the Harley Street doctor chasing up payment for an appointment I have told him I have no intention of paying due to the circumstances briefly mentioned above) 

 I had actually had quite a lovely weekend as I reached out to her very old school friend who came up for the weekend.  I had conflicting feelings because I felt a little bit at times like I was moving on from my mam  when I would much rather be with him anywhere and any time. But we have to move on don’t worry we really don’t want to. 

 Thank you for your email. And I wish I could say something that I thought might help you but I can’t 

x

Sorry for some gobbledegook gook was using the dictate facility: hope you can make sense of my rambling x

Sorry wanting for the late reply,

1st,  myself personally I would channel all that anger into getting some sort of answer's or even justice if that is  the word im looking for,

for your beloved man thats what id do personally but others might see it differently for instance having time for you to heal now, I could just be saying now to fight because i feel angry this evening missing my man i feel a bit ill  ive got a bug. He'd be worried sick now and fussing around me like a loony bless him.

2nd,  oh how i get the way you was feeling about when your friend came over. Its great they do, but all the emotions you go through one minute its aww this is nice so im not on my own, then its OMG I am moving on with out him and the sheer terror you feel inside, then if you smile or laugh your riddle with guilt for even thinking about smiling. All we are longing to do is just sit with our Men watch a bit of TV have some dinner just simple little things  oh what wed give to have them back. I feel like when my friends are here my head is racing and im thinking I dont want this I want my Man I want him here with me now waking me up telling me Im dreaming none of this happened. Some times Im listening to people and feel like going please just be quite i want to day dream about my man. But then im like in my mind How dare you talk about crap and not even mention my mans name then you get people like my sister that goes dont talk about him to her she needs to heal what the hell. none of these have lost there spouse/partner thank God

3rd them little feathers are a sign, I get signs and feel him with me constantly my friends went to a medium and she told them he was constantly with me. I had to deal with his wife and I never mentioned to my friends about is wife and yet they described her to a T even her personality what she worked as and he said she will never change and it broke is heart what she was doing it was all money driven. My mates knew nothing about the texts and the emotional black mail she was doing to my partner over there kids before he died. I am even thinking about getting a tattoo on my finger and the medium mentioned that we planned to marry September next year and he always said about putting a ring on my finger obvious because of this horrible disease he couldn't in the end so I was getting the cancer ribbon on my wedding finger x

P.s you are saying things to help because I am relating to what you are feeling and saying so it makes me realise its grief im not losing my mind also I dont know why I done 1 2 3 :) 

hope you are feeling a bit better today xxxxx

This is why this site is great.

Even if we have no experience or advice it's just nice to read the posts, and it makes you feel not alone, what your feeling is normal to you, your not going crazy, it's our life to be endured, and got through however we can, the best we can. 

Little steps, sometimes backwards sometimes sideways, but we keep moving. 

A big hug to all 

I apologise, I hadn’t seen your whole email.

i am so sorry for your loss, it is you that is the important one - don’t let others come between the love you had for your man. Keep it simple, love and remember good things.

easy said, yes I know but have to try.

x