Hi everyone,
I guess I am writing this to find out your opinions and hopefully I will find some clarity in the process.
As you know, I have had Paul's ashes at home with me for a year now. They are in a plastic urn which is not at all pretty but it wasn't meant to be because at the time when I had to make the decision what kind of urn I wanted I had the intention of scattering Paul's ashes fairly soon and the funeral director recommended this urn as a temporary "container" for the ashes.
For the past couple of weeks, since the first anniversary really, I have been feeling that I should scatter Paul's ashes now. There is part of me that wants to keep them with me forever, but the bigger and stronger part of me believes that it is right to scatter his ashes because Paul was always a person who loved nature and who believed that we come from the earth and we should go back to the earth after our death in order to become part of the Whole again. I feel good about letting the ashes go when I think of it that way.
But now here is the question: Where to scatter them?
1. I could scatter them here in Dublin at a river which is called Dodder and is a lovely place, an oasis of peace in the midst of all the busyness of this big city. It is the place where Paul used to go for walks all his live, very close to where he grew up. And it is the place he brought me first when I visited him in Ireland first and the place where we first kissed. So my thought behind scattering the ashes there would be that it is a place that always played a part in Paul's life and because he is from Dublin, born here and spent all his life here.
2. The second place is Doolin in the west of Ireland. There is a beautiful cliff walk there, you can actually walk up right to the edge of the cliff, and look down into the Atlantic. It is the place where Paul proposed to me and we returned to it often because of the magic of the place and the special memories it held for us.
3. The third option would be to scatter the ashes in both places. A little here in Dublin and a little in Doolin. But I don't feel so good about that because, as strange as this sounds, it feels like tearing him apart, separating him from himself...
4. The last option would be to scatter the ashes in different places - here in Dublin, where we first met in Germany, in Doolin, and maybe keep a little urn with a little bit of the ashes in my house.
5. Part of me even feels at times that it would be nice to do as I said before in number 4 and keep the little bit of ashes not in the house but in a locket that I would wear all the time, very close to my heart. But then: Paul is in my heart anyway.
And this somehow goes for all the options above. I know, wherever I bring the ashes, Paul is always and will always be in my heart. The ashes and where they ashes end up really don't matter so much. And yet, it does and I am so aware that I can only make the decision once and once it is done I can never take it back.
The one thing I feel strongly is that I shouldn't wait any longer. It feels like the right time to let him go.
So o I would appreciate your thoughts on all the options or like to know which option you would choose or if you maybe feel that I tend to one or the other or what you think I should do after all you know about me and Paul and the relationship.
Love, Mel.
