Paul's Ashes

Hi Mel

I think I would ask myself where would I like to be scattered in the future?  Which of the first two options would be your choice.? Hard  to choose between option one or two as they both sound beautiful and full of memories for you both. .  I personally would discount options three and  four for the same reason as you.  I would prefer to  keep the ashes as a whole, apart from a small amount to put in a locket which sounds a lovely idea.  

Option One -  is it close to where you live? Once the ashes are scattered would you want to revisit the site - just to feel close to Paul? If so, closer to home is better, I think.

Option Two - sounds idyllic and you really would be scattering his ashes back to nature.  The fact you look straight down the cliff into the Atlantic Ocean seems fitting somehow.   And it has special memories for you as Paul proposed to you there.  

My Paul's ashes are interred in the local cemetery but I kept a small amount back and had it placed in three sealed heart shaped trinket boxes - one for me and one each for his daughters.  When my time comes, his  ashes in my trinket box will be mixed with mine and interred in the same plot.  In the meantime - his heart is on my bedside table.  

Not much help, Mel but good luck in making your choice. 

Love 

Hello Mel

This is a reall tricky one and one I will have to face myself at sometime. My Paul passed away just over 11 weeks ago so I don't feel able to let go of his ashes yet. Another reason for me is that I am considering moving back to our home county Essex as we had only lived here in Suffolk for 16 months when Paul passed and I feel I need to make that decision first, I feel I would like him to be somewhere close to where I'll be although as you say our beloveds are always in our hearts.

I guess what I'm saying is that for me it would be option 1 if that is where you live but I can understand why you would consider the other places as they all have such wonderful memories for you.

My Paul said in a jokey way only a week before he passed, even though he kept insisting he was going to get better, he wanted some put in the Norfolk Broads and some on the bowls green where we played. He loved the water and sailing and had done a lot of sailing in Essex so I wouldn't feel I was letting him down if I put them in the river Blackwater instead if I decide to move back there. I'm also going to have a small amount put into a necklace so that I have him near me.

Sorry this probably hasn't helped much. I hope you manage to make the right decision for you.

Much love

June xx

Hi everyone,

This is really such a difficult one. I am actually surprised at how difficult it is. I wish I could talk to Paul about it and ask his opinion: "Sweetheart, what would you like me to do with your ashes? Where would you like to be?"

I only know one thing for sure and that is that the time has come to let go of his ashes; not because I don't want them here, but because I feel that in this box he is somehow trapped, and from the way he always spoke about nature and about how he feels that everything is part of The Whole and that we all come from nature and go back to nature I know that he would not like to be "caged" in this little box. It is a bit like when he was dying: I didn't want to let him go, yet I knew it was time for him to go and for his sake I wanted him to go, because I knew it was right for him.

June, I can totally understand why it is too early for you to even contemplate letting Paul's ashes go. And at such an earrly stage, even if you told me that you felt it was time for you to let him go, I think I cwould say to you that you should perhaps give it some more time and not rush things. We really need time when it comes to making such major decisions, and the danger is that we do it too fast and later regret it or feel we should have done something different. Thank you for your thoughts.

Susie46, thank you for your thoughts as well. Yes, option one is not too far from where I live and I could revisite the site whenever I choose to, even though I am not sure if I would do that more than I go there for walks with friends anyway, simply because, once the ashes are scattered, I would know that they could be anywhere close and far from that site. Yes, option two is beautiful and he certainly loved the spot by the cliffs as much as I do; and I will go there again and again, even though it is two hours drive away from Dublin, but it is the most beautiful spot in the whole world for me.

Susie46, you said that you would feel it best to keep the ashes in one part. You yourself haven't done that, though, because you have Paul's ashes in the local cemetery and you kept a small amount back to give to your children and to keep yourself, even though your part will go to the local cemetery and to him when you go. How did it make you feel to make this decision? And why did you do it? I am only asking because I am hoping that by understanding why you did what you did I could understand myself better and my thinking that seems so contradictory that in one way I feel it would be good to keep the ashes together but in another it would be great to scatter them in all the places that meant something to him.

I thought of a third place apart from the Dodder river here in Dublin and Doolin by the cliffs tonight. There is a beach nearby, Killiney Beach, where we used to go for walks and throw stones into the water to make a wish.

If I had three little baskets or wodden trays or something like that that dissolves over time, it would be lovely to bring some of his ashes to each of those places and keep a little bit back for myself maybe in a neglace or heart-shaped pendant which I would always wear right over my heart.

My analytical mind and the mind of a therapist can't help asking: Why do I make this so difficult? And is this maybe yet another way of my bereaved heart and mind to try and avoid a decision which somehow means to even let go a little more now?

If I decided to get the ashes divided up into different parts, I would have to contact the funeral directors again. I am sure they would do it for me. There is no way I would do it myself. Not so much because I would mind that, but out of respect for Paul somehow and out of respect for the dead. Does that make sense?

I am so confused.

Love, Mel.

Hi Mel.

Yes,you are right I did contradict myself.   Sorry, I wasn't very clear. 

i think at the time I reasoned that Paul would have done anything to stay with us, and he would have been happy that a small part of him was still giving me and his daughters comfort.  I just couldn't contemplate 'splitting' the ashes into larger parts for scattering etc.  Does that make sense?   Maybe not, but nothing really made sense at the time.  

I have a good friend who has split her husband's ashes and taken some to their holiday home in France and some are scattered here.  It really is personal choice.  There is no right or wrong, is there?  Just such hard decisions to make in this new normal.  My father wanted to be buried, my mother cremated.  Mum eventually persuaded Dad cremation was best and he agreed provided his ashes could be buried in one place with a headstone.  They are both in the same cemetery as Paul, and I know Paul knew how much comfort I got from being able to tend the grave for them.  Paul was 100% sure that once you are dead, that's it and he said I was to do whatever made me comfortable with his ashes.    So I guess I chose for his ashes  to be interred in the cemetery because it was right for me.  I can still take plants to the graves and shine up the headstones.  A way of still caring for them.  But that is my choice and sometimes if I think about it too deeply, I think I should have set him free by scattering the ashes.    So I am not a great deal of help, Mel.  Sorry. 

Love

Hi Mel,

It’s  such a personal choice isn’t it , but I feel your option 4 is good, but probably because it’s what I am going to do.

I have already scattered some in our garden, some  where we used to walk the dog, some at his parents grave.

My next task is with my children to go to County Clare, to scatter some there, we live in England but he was Irish

One thing you might want to consider is what I am doing ,which is keeping some back to be mixed with my ashes when the time comes

Hope you find this helpful

Hi Mel,

All 4 well 5 now with the beach are beautiful,thoughtful options that means so much to you both. Id personally probably go for option 1 but keep a bit back for me and get a ring made or necklace so I could kiss him goodnight.

Im sure what ever you decide your Paul will be made up. You will know when your ready what to do  

Big hugs to you x

Oh how interesting! Where in County Clare are you planning to go? It's such a lovely part of the world.

It's really something that is so difficult to decide. But I feel that talking to you all about it helps, just sharing different opinions and views is lovely and I know it's going to help me to make the decision that is right for me and for us.

I was very much against scattering the ashes in different places at first. But now I think it could be a nice thing to do.

Scattering them in one place sounds like a lovely idea in theory, but in reality the ashes are going to be blown into all directions, so it really isn't going to be the one spot I choose anyway.

Keeping a little bit for myself - to be scattered with me when it is my time to go - feels lovely. I know Paul is always and will always be in my heart but the thought is nice that I will always carry a little bit of him with me.

Sorry I can't think clearly tonight. I welcome every post from you and as much input as I can get on this. I really hope this doesn't upset anyone talking about this subject so openly. But I feel this is so much better than just keeping the ashes at home or having them in the local graveyard or do whatever and not discussing it. I trust this group and I have made so many right choices because I am in this group and was able to talk things through, so I feel it will be the same with this one.

Love, Mel.

Hi there,

We will be going to Newquay on the Burren, ourselves and the kids spent many happy holidays there and in Kinvara,which is just  in Co Galway. Our friend had  seafood restaurant right on the seashore on the estuary at Newquay. He had a Lancashire accent like me but after a couple of days he picked his Irish accent up again, he left Ireland when he was 18

I bought a small Irish flag to put on his flowers, I thought he would have liked that

x 

Hi everyone,

I think I have come to a decision what to do with Paul's ashes. Over the last couple of days, I have not thought about it much. Of course the question was always at the back of my mind, but because I felt that I was unable to come to a decision by thinking about it, I just let the thoughts flow by but didn't pay much attention to them. Then yesterday morning, while sitting at my desk and looking through emails, I paused and thought: Killiney Beach. Killiney Beach is a beach two train stations away from where we live, it is a small beach that we often visited, and each time we went there we noticed the almost sacred and deeply atmosphere there, and we used to go to the water and throw a stone in and made a wish. And I was thinking: How about if I go there on Monday, 15 July, either early in the morning or late in the evening - but I prefer the early morning - with my mum and kneel down at the water's edge and let the ashes float from the urn into the sea, reading the reflection "We remember them" which I am sure many of you know, or maybe I have posted it here before. Then I was feeling into it again and again throughout the day to see if this is really what I wanted, and it always felt right and true. It is also very practical: it's not far away from me, the ashes will be scattered in one place, it will be a place that we both love, and it will be a place that's easy to visit. The only thing I have to decide now is whether or not I would like to keep a little bit back for myself. I love the idea to wear a little bit of Paul's ashes close to my heart, in a little stone or something on a neglace I never take off. I am not sure why this feels so right for me, but it does. I have to investigate this of course. But this is what feels right to do at the moment.

I mentioned my mum before. She is coming over for a visit this evening. I will pick her up from the airport late tonight. She will be with me for a week and we are going to the west of Irland. I will show her where Paul and I got engaged and where we spent so many beautiful days.

I am not sure if it is because of the fact that my mum is coming over and that that means a change to the usual routine, whether it is because of where we are going to go and that I am going to see those places that were so important to Paul and me, or whether it is because of what I am planning to do with his ashes and that that really means letting him go a little more now, or actually almost completely, or maybe it is a combination of all of those things, but I have been feeling nausea and nervousness for the last couple of hours. It is a strange feeling.

Love and hugs

Mel.

Hi Mel,

I have been following your thread about your thought of your Paul’s ashes. For me I am fast approaching the third anniversary of loosing my husband to this awful disease.

I think your plan for Paul is beautiful, all the seas and oceans of the world are connected and eventually there will be something of him all over the world, every wave and tide on every beach will be him. He will be embracing the whole world.

I also understand your need to keep some of him with you, I have not been able to part with my husbands ashes and they still sit on his bedside cabinet. I know where he wanted them to go, but I also know that he would be ok with where they are for now because of the comfort that it brings me. So I am sure your husband would be happy if keeping part of him brings you comfort.

I think your nervousness comes from the big step you are about to take, but once you have scattered  his ashes in the way you describe I’m sure those feelings will disappear.

I hope the day goes well for you.