feeling really stupid about myself

Hi Jane

You have been very brave "confessing" to us, and nobody is judging. Maybe writing it down has helped you? 

I cannot offer any wise words I'm not a fan of drinking but I do like my food, not the same I know but while my hubby was in the hospice we ate so badly and then when we came home without him I contued to cook rubbish and get take aways. After 6 months I was horrified how chubby I had become and joined Slimming World because I was in such a bad place I needed help and motivation. I'm not suggeing you need AA or anything but maybe someone to talk to and support you, like a phone call at 10 from a pal at night so instead of drinking you have a chat or get into a different routine, maybe a long walk ithe evening, or a soak in the bath, listen to some music. Sorry I'm waffling, I mean well

Ive no idea why these hug emojis have appeared, hopefully it makes sense cos I can't remove them. If not hopefully you will have a giggle 

Hi Jane,

First of all, well done on sharing about the alcohol with us.

What can I say? I too have noticed changes in my drinking behaviour. It mis much easier to drink now. I have a small G and T most nights or one or two glasses of wine. I rarely get drunk, though. But, when I do, I think to myself "Why do you do that? What was good about that now?" The answer is: I don't know. When I have a drink, it's not even because I feel the loneliness for Paul or the emptiness of the house. I just like the feeling when I have a drink. But there must be some underlying issue. Anyway, I really want to stop it and go back to having a drink or two at weekends and maybe during the week when I am meeting a friend.

Maybe we could both start by not having drink in the house. If we don't buy any, then there isn't any and we have to find something else to do with ourselves (maybe start eating lots of sweets :-( ). Honestly, I have sometimes thought "Okay, today I am not buying a bottle of wine". And when the drink is not in the house, I would never go out and buy some or go to a pub just to have a drink.

The other thing perhaps is meeting up with people more during the day or with people who don't drink? I have one friend who doesn't drink at all and when we are together - whether it is in the afternoons or in the evenings - I often don't even think of a drink because she wouldn't.

It is good that you are so attentive to what is happening. And I think that, if it goes on and perhaps gets more, it would be good for both of us to talk to somebody about it. But at the moment I feel that we both have simply gotten into a silly habit and that we can stop it.

As for your friend putting something into your drink, that for m would be a real reason for an argument. How can anybody do that? Particularly when the person they are doing it to is in such a vulnerable place? I think that is utterly irresponsible and I would certainly give such a person a piece of my mind.

Love to you and hugs

Mel.

Dear Jane 

You have been incredibly honest in owning how you feel which is so hard to do, that has to be a positive thing. 

I’m a lot like Ruby, I could’ve written her reply, it sounds just like me. I eat way too much compared to my life before & I think a lot of us can relate to changes we unconsciously made but are now consciously aware of. The hardest bit is trying to understand what motivates us to continue this behaviour once we know we are doing it. 

I think I started eating sweet stuff because I could, it was a quick fix & to be incredibly honest my hubby did all the right things, was never overweight, fit, active, didn’t smoke/overeat /drink & he still died of cancer, & to be brutely honest I  felt if it could happen to him doing all that then maybe I was doomed anyway. My mindset has changed thankfully since then, but it’s taken time & still to me, it just doesn’t make sense. Your reasons for drinking may well be different, & I think you may be right when you say it’s the going to bed alone thing could be a trigger. 

I’m with Ruby when she suggests changing the routine so you’re distracted at the time you feel most vunerable. Would non alcoholic wine be worth a try? Maybe start with one glass of wine then move onto the nonalcoholic version?? It takes time to change these habits but small changes are better than nothing (I’m not a wine drinker though so if this is the worst suggestion you’ve heard all year I do apologise). 

wish I could suggest something better, i miss my old life so much too. I do understand where you are coming from Jane. 

Wishing you courage, sending you love, &  thinking of you

Sarah xx

Ahh Ladies

Once again you come to my rescue, Ruby I laughed out loud reading your reply about your emojis .

My other friend came to visit tonight she was mortified what my friend was doing on Saturday and I have no doubt she will give her a piece of her mind when she sees her. I did myself yesterday on the phone to her. One good thing that come from it is a dont want another drink and feel this bad again.

Sara and Ruby I also got a shock today looking in the mirror thinking where have i gone what the hell have i done to myself the weight I have put on the bags under my eyes my skin looks tired and so dried out., Things what you said do my friend took me out on a walk tonight but before hand said to me look in the mirror look what your doing to yourself she then said right get up and get out and walk with me, so I did and you know what I only done 2 miles but it felt good,

Jane thank you for your kind words and what you have said I think we could spare each other on with the drink. I have decided tonight with the state I now look to at least not to drink for a month

I have always tried to look after myself a bit going the gym facials hair getting done nails done and all that type of stuff couldn't tell you when I last done all them. So I have booked an appointment for Saturday to get my hair done il carry on with my little walks this week then perhaps start the gym again. My friend made me laugh tonight she said your soul mate is looking down at you thinking God shes let herself go haha

she said now get of your bum and lets try and get a bit of the old Jane back and make him proud looking down on you not upset for the way your living now he lives through you now and he didn't even drink. So I am going to try and kick my Ass into gear starting this week

wish me luck and love to you all Jane xxx

Sorry Mel for some reason its put my own name in Jane instead of Mel when replying to you xxx

Morning Jane

On my way to work so sorry this is short reply.  A step forward last night, well done you.

Im glad your friend inspired you to feel positive about getting fitter & her words stuck a chord with me too- she’s right, you’re partner would want to be proud of you & not worried about you.

Take care, hope today’s a good one for you 

Sarah xx

Hi Jane,

Well done you! It sounds like you are doing all the right things to help yourself with this situation. Great that you have spoken to your friend on the phone and told her what you thought of her actions on Saturday.

And it's great that you were able to look at yourself in the mirror and really see what you are doing to yourself; this real looking at yourself plus the fact that you told your story yesterday so openly here shows a lot of self-awareness I think.

And it's good that you have decided not to have another drink for now.

I am the same. I seem to crave something sweet at night, though, which is why I have now bought Shloir instead. It's lovely actually, like wine without the alcohol.

The walking sounds like a good plan too. Especially now with the long evenings and the good weather it is really lovely. I do it all the time (to work, back from work, through the park, by the sea).

So it really sounds like you wanted to break this habit and you have. Don't forget: We are breaking the habit just by not doing it once. What I am trying to say is that one night without the drink is already an achievement.

As for myself, I can say that I haven't had so much to drink over the past months that people were able to see it or commented on it. I think I am more afraid that I could turn into someone who has to have a drink each night if I continue like this a little longer because even a little every night is a habit. So I have decided not to have a drink tonight. Last night I did when I was on the phone to a friend, but only two glasses of wine and that felt good, but then today and because I have nothing special on and want to have an early night I will have water or shloir instead. I just want to let drink become somethin for special occasions again, and I will and you will too.

Love, Mel.

Evening ladies,

hipe you both had a good day well today I laughednout load a few times in work. I’ve not had a drink tonight or last night I’m determined to stay of it for the month then hopefully like you said Mel it will be to celebrate or socialising when I do go back in it not for helping me sleep or numb the pain. I do feel a lot better already sharing with you all the way I have been acting. 

Sara so true my friend made me realise when she said about my partner looking down at me hope you have had a good day at work you to Mel 

take care Jane xxx