7 weeks on and it's not getting any better

Hi Anne, just come back to the forum after a few months and first thing I read is your post, I'm sorry for your loss it is so so hard.  My Tom passed away almost 18months ago and feels like yesterday, it was not good or peaceful at the end for him.  We did not have children although I do have stepchildren, only one has kept in regular contact, one has visited twice, and one I've not seen since the funeral, none of them had a great relationship with their father,  although I did what I could to help but it seems that it is carrying on.  I have also said to my two sisters-in-law that nothing can prepare you for losing your spouse, we had been together for 34 years, and oddly I was the one that dealt with paperwork/finances, just used to tell if something needed signing, (he never read anything) but now I don't trust myself, my confidence to do things seem to have died along with him.  But I'm coping as you will although it will not feel like it now.  He always used to tell me "fake it to make it"  I am trying and hope to eventually find that I'm not taking it anymore.  

I found that after the first couple of months I felt that everyone seemed to be getting along with their own lives as if nothing had happened and I'm stuck in this big bubble, getting so angry with them because I was hurting so much, yet if anyone asked how I was I just said ok and resenting them for not helping me. 

You will get there 

Hi Brenda, yes nearly a couple of  months on and like you say, everyone's getting on with their lives as if nothing has happened, which of course they have to, can't expect other people's  lives to be on hold  like mine is, but sill resent it. What can we say when they ask how we are? Most people really don't  want to know. When my daughter phones the first thing she always says is 'Hi, you alright?' - I've decided not to say no, actually I'm far from alright, because she's  already said she can't cope with my grief.

People say 'you're coping really well', whatever that means. I'm still on automatic. I get up in the morning, I go shopping, do some gardening, paperwork, phone calls,  chat to neighbours, but it would be so easy to just not do any of those things.  John told me I would cope because I'm strong,  so while I don't feel strong I try for his sake to get on with life because he would be disappointed if I fell apart. God knows I fell apart quite a bit while he was still alive, because he was so ill and I was so tired and stressed, and he found that very difficult  but was always available to give me a hug. As he was for nearly 40 years! 

Hope you're  managing OK Brenda. It's all we can do really.

Anne x

Having a really awful day. My son & daughter decided a one night spa break later this month would be a good idea,and I was quite enthusiastic about it until our big row last weekend (see previous posts), when they told me I was selfish and should be thinking more about their grief, moving on, getting a dog, going on holiday......so tonight I told my son I wasn't sure about a spa break, as I was still upset about what they'd said to me and I didn't think it was reasonable to expect me to 'move on' after just 8 weeks. He just didn't want to listen to me and I was so upset I put the phone down. Both he and my daughter seem to be incapable of seeing my point of view and at the moment I don't want to talk to either of them. I'm really unhappy, and I know that my husband, who hated arguments, would be so upset and disappointed. My son promised him that he'd look after me. How can they not realise how much pain I'm in? What can I do to get through to them?

Anne

Probably nothing, Anne.  You have to 'walk in someone's shoes' to really understand, and even then we all have our different ways of reacting to what has happened.  I'm thinking here that some of this sort of thing happens when we are all using the same words but not the same meanings......what they mean by you 'moving on' - like the dog thing and holidays, etc., is not what you mean by it perhaps.  

I've often read on here about people who think 'moving on' means leaving our loved ones behind, and the memories we have of them.  (I'm not suggesting that's what you think, by the way!).   Eventually we do move on, but our loved ones are still safely tucked deep in our hearts so they are never left behind.  However, this is not a fast process....one day you haven't moved on and the next you have like moving house!   No, it takes time to process everything which happened and then to get up the courage to step into the future, one baby step at a time.  You are at the beginning and this can't be rushed.  

May I make a suggestion here? I don't know your family of course so I may be way off target here, forgive me if that is so.  Is it possible to explain to them that it's only eight weeks and that you've had a lot to do in that time.  You're also feeling very tired......looking after your husband was tiring and emotional and it might take a while before you're back on your feet again and ready to take some new steps.  Thank them for the encouragement, it's really kind and caring, but you need to do things in your own time and you're just not quite ready to decide what those things will be. 

Have just retread your post and I'm now wondering why they have decided a spa break would be just the ticket?  Wondering if you had a say or they just decided that a spa would set you up?  I'm sure they meant well and I'm sure that when you feel up to it you will enjoy it too!  

Up early tomorrow to finish the cakes for our local Tea n' Tots coffee morning.  Just after midnight and my coach will soon be a pumpkin again......sleep well, gentle hugs. X

Thanks Sandy. I have explained all that to them, about how exhausted I am and how difficult it is going from caring for someone 24/7 to being alone and having to come to terms with that. I have said I'm grateful for their help and realise that they're grieving too. But they really don't seem to be taking that on board and they've even said that  they don't see the point of coming to visit me (one is 3  hours away,  the other 1.5 ) because I don't listen to them - as in, I don't do what they tell me I should. The friends I've spoken to can't really understand why they're being like this, but I suppose it's because they can't cope with their own grief and mine too. So as one friend said, they're taking it out on me, probably without even realising it. But if my children have turned against me, the future is very bleak indeed. The spa break, by the way, was their idea but I was happy to go along with it, now I think it's not such a great idea at the moment.