7 weeks on and it's not getting any better

Anne, they don’t understand.  Don’t be too hard on them.  It is very early days for you and will take some considerable time for you to find your new normal.  Yes it is too soon to move on and no you arn’t being unreasonable with your children.  They need to give you time to come to terms with your loss. Love Dolly xx

Hi Anne 

Sorry I didn't reply to your last post but I too feel like you and some days I don't even know why I get out of bed my two girls are grieving as well but my youngest daughter lost her husband to cancer April 2018 leaving our only grandson without his dad and now he's lost his granpa and he's only nine. Steve passed away 7 weeks next Wednesday and I too feel it's worse now and not sure if it's ever possible to get better I miss his smile and his voice and just to hug him. I know everyone is different in grief and some never recover but I know Steve wants me to to try and help the girls and young Jack but it's really hard. I'm not sure you'll ever be the same again I know I won't. I hope you can get some comfort knowing your not on your own in feeling this bad I send you love and hugs

Barb x 

Hi Anne 

No your are not Dolly is right they don’t understand. I remember when I lost my Dad at 19 he was my world at the time I did think my Mums not showing me much emotion. But by God I know now why. I have lost both parents,sisters, a nephew but the pain in losing ur Partner/Husband/Wife is something completely different. Because u have lost that support the one person that can help and pull you through anything as gone. I thought with the amount of loses I have had over the years how bad people felt when they lost the spouse but did i heck.i sit and listen to people now oh I know what your going through when I lost my Nan/ mum friend 

do you hell like know what I am going through only people that have lost there spouse know. Try not to be to hard on them it’s only when it happens to a person then they understand. I myself was one of these poeple that thought they knew about grief I adored my Dad and loved every beat of my heart of my Mother and although I suffered there loss  nothing compared me to losing my partner. 

Its all about trying to stay afloat and calm and thinking I wouldn’t  wish this pain on anyone. Your kids are not being unreasonable they are grieving like you said for there wonderful Father. So there looking for there amazing Mum for support unfortunately they don’t understand there Mums going through hell and what they are suffering there Mums going through it 10 folds more. 

big hugs Jane x

Sending big hugs to you also Barb x

pottermouse, some people get more than their share of grief.  I am sorry for you and your youngest daughter and obviously your grandson. You will get through this just as Steve would want you to do, but it will tak time and it won’t be the same, but you will find your way. Love Dolly xx

Please everyone don't expect too much of yourselves or your children.

Be patient, we have all suffered an enormous trauma, and there is no time frame when we should feel a certain way. I would certainly advise against any major decision making in the early weeks. Our lives will never be the same but we will make the best of it, and in the future I'm sure we will begin to enjoy some parts. Always remembering our much loved and missed partners.

Be kind, listen, laugh, cry and hug each other often. 

Big hugs to all

U truly are a diamond Ruby x

Good morning, Anne and other friends on this thread,  

It's bloody awful, this grief thing, isn't it?  Sorry for the 'bloody', but I could have said much worse.  You asked, Anne, about your children and of course, it is them being unreasonable, not you.  However, as you said, they have their lives, they live away and they don't wake up to the everyday realisation that John isn't there any more as you do - although John will be safely tucked in your heart as all our loved ones are.  How are you supposed to support them? What more do they want from you?  Don't let them make you feel guilty, you are doing the best you can.  I think that you're up in the morning is a major achievement!  I can remember quite a number of duvet days....

Your kids think you should be making a new life for yourself?  You already are!  But you're doing it at your own pace.  Learning to do things without John by your side, finding skills you'd forgotten you had, taking on tasks which he usually did.  Finding out who you are again......all at your pace, gently and tentatively.  This can't be rushed, won't be rushed.  Making a new life?  We have no choice, but the life is ours to make, not anyone else's and that includes our kids. 

May I share some thoughts on the road through grief we all share?  You mentioned that, at seven weeks, you hoped you'd be feeling a little better.  In the scheme of things, seven weeks is not a long time, although I'm sure it feels like it.  In the early weeks there's such a lot to do and face......the funeral and all the endless paperwork....the paperwork was incredibly frustrating, I found.  Then it quietens down and that's when we begin to face everything and it can feel overwhelming.  There are lots of analogies to describe grief but one of my favourites is that of the tide.....some days it would be low tide for me.....getting on with stuff, out and about and seemingly ok but then the tide would sweep in so fast that it took me by surprise and I'd be in what my husband used, so elegantly, to call a 'snotty heap'.   I'd be cross with myself, tell myself to pull myself together but I learned not to fight it.  Let it happen, get that bit out of my system, for the time being at least. 

You are doing well, Anne, in my humble opinion.  Grief does come in waves, but the sea will calm as time goes on and there is no rush.  Take it gently,  don't expect too much of yourself and also don't worry about your children's expectations of you!  They do not walk in your shoes and can't possibly understand....and we wouldn't want them to, would we? 

Love to you all here, and strength, peace and encouragement for your days. 

Thank you for your very helpful reply Sandy. I have read your profile and your late husband, like mine, seems to have been a very positive person. I know I'm biased but John was such a lovely person, one thing people said about him was that he was always smiling, and up to the last few weeks he was. And even in his last few weeks when he was so incapacitated and really just wanted it to be over, he worried about me more than anything and didn't want to inconvenience anyone. The reason I get out of bed 8n the morning is because I know he would want me to. He told me that I was a strong person and that he knew I would cope. He was pretty much always right, but I don't feel strong at the moment. I'm so upset about my children, especially my daughter. She was always closer to John than me - she could twist him round her little finger! - but he found her difficult, always a drama queen, and as one of my friends commented privately to me, 'a bit of a madam'! She and my son visited over the weekend and we had an awful row which left me in bits, crying on a friend's shoulder. Had established a truce by the next day but I actually feel now that I don't even want to see either of them for a while. And it's probably mutual.

John would have hated this, he never liked arguments or conflict - it was pretty much impossible to have an argument with him, which could be quite frustrating! But he could always calm things down and I so miss his quiet presence, his hugs, his wisdom and kindness. 

Yes, it is bloody awful, this grief thing! Try to see the positives, people say (usually people who have had no experience of losing a partner) - all the years you had together, the happy memories, your lovely children (that one is a mixed blessing atm). Trouble is, remembering what you had makes it so much harder to bear, now that it's gone. And grief is so exhausting isn't it? It'sdifficult to deal with all the paperwork, phone calls etc when you're do tired.

Thanks for the support everyone. 

Anne

Hello Anne

You are not being selfish at all, your life has changed completely ,I know they have lost their dad but he was your friend companion and partner , a lot more than a dad. If they are feeling the loss they need to multiply that by 100 to get some idea how it is for you.

Take care

Marie