dont know if this may be of any use to anyone

Morning Jane

First of all, a huge well done you for getting through this week- that is a major achievement going back to work. 

Seeing everyone, coping with their platitudes, having to do something ‘normal’ when nothing is normal anymore in your world should not be underestimated... it’s a big hurdle but you’ve done it. 

You asked about whether how much time off for bereavement effects how well we cope at work, I can only speak from my own experience as I don’t know anyone who’s gone through this. I work part time (currently 2 days a week) which I’m sure helps as I’m not having to put on my coping face all day every day but there is a flip side, sometimes without the structure of work it can be v hard to keep going & my mind wanders, it’s definitely better for me to be busy doing something.  I was off for a month before I lost my husband (only possible because I do do part time) & for 6 weeks after, we weren’t able to have the funeral until 3 weeks after my husband passed, so 10 weeks in total. 

I think work in this situation is just something else we can beat ourselves up over. It depends so much on the individual, their job (carers seem to have it particularly hard), finances, the family situation  & what happened when the death took place. If it was a calm death that’s a totally different experience to a dramatic, gasping for breath one. We all have different experiences, some deaths we know are imminent with cancer, some we think aren’t but catch us out. So I’m not sure it helps to compare ourselves to others in this   Situation. 

You have done the right thing as you see it by yourself. That is the right thing to do. You will feel full of doubts, it knocks your confidence because your life has changed so much whereas for others their lives remain unchanged. It doesn’t matter if it takes you a while to pick up the reigns at work again. No one, not one of your work mates would want to swap their lives with you right now, so just keep turning up, doing your best & know that I’m cheering you on from the sidelines. 

One day at a time as usual.... enjoy your day off today 

big hugs 

Sarah xx

Morning Sara

Thank you so much for your lovely response it’s really did cheer me up and made me think YES I have done it Im getting over that hurdle. My boss phoned me this morning had a lovely conversation with him. He congratulated me also I didn’t know he lost is first wife many years ago. He told me he went back to work after 3 weeks he said he was craving some sort of normality like you just said he mentioned the work structor gave him a tiny bit of normality and with out that  he’d of gone insane. ( I now think this is why he notices the difference with staff and the time frame they have off) he said try not to get upset when we’ll wishes go oh Ul move on he said he hated that and feel out with people he was in his Thirties when the wife passed with 4 small children she was a stay at home Mum done everything for the kids while he went out to work. So we can only imagine the life changing events that happened for all off them. He’s married again now to a lovely woman he said it’s a different love not a day goes by I don’t think of my first wife and the second wife knows this but she’s not jealous she just knows it’s a different love. 

He said you will move forward when you are ready not others telling you to. I think I heard my boss a bit chocked on the phone bless him. He basically said on the phone everything you have just wrote on here it’s all down to the individual it doesn’t mean people going back earlier are stronger then the ones that don’t it usually to try and help them with this pain there in and get a tiny bit of structor back in there life. I do find it a bit strange though the ones like myself who take longer of seem to struggle with trying to do the normality bit again I just felt all week that i wasn’t leaving him behind and I’m acting normal when I’m not being back at work. I feel we think people think we are over our grief when we’re back at work but they don’t my boss said that today he said it’s just us and are minds thinking that staff know we’re not goner be back to ourselves for a long time. 

Thanks again Sara for your lovely comments it did cheer me up you are a great source of comfort on here to us all so I hope you know your worth even though you are struggling with your own loss 

thanks you Jane xxx

MyLove,

Your boss sounds lovely. As he has been through it himself, he can understand in a way others cannot. 

I was off for a similar amount of time to Sarah2nd. Ideally, I would have stayed off longer but I was thinking, firstly, of finances and, secondly, again, that the longer I stayed off the harder it would be to go back.

Sometimes I cope fine but other times it’s a struggle. It’s not the work itself but more the challenges of juggling the demands of the job (I’m a teacher) with being a (now) single mother to a 4-year-old, plus keeping on top of basic household stuff. I am constantly exhausted but I do still enjoy my job.

In situations like ours, everybody can only do what feels manageable for them. This will be different for everybody and I think it’s important not to compare yourself to others and judge yourself harshly.

Thanks Academically 

He is a nice guy and looks after is Area and staff well. 

I think looking back from October it would of probably of helped me to have at least stayed in work part time for my own sanity but I just wasn’t in any shape or form mentally ready for work

one wrong decision from me would of effected a lot of staff. I think my whole body went into shock getting told with in days of each other my partner and sister was terminal just absolutely knocked me of my feet although I have lost both of them now this year I suppose I’ve not done to bad back now. Although it’s hurt like mad it is more harder mopping around the house having flash backs and wish my life away. Being back at work as forced me to get up out that bed of a morning 

big hugs to you hope you and your daughter are ok x

We are managing, thanks. We have our good and bad days, as I’ sure all of us on here do. Xx

Dear all,

I was back at work in the New Year, just under 3 weeks after Richard had died. I had no choice as we both used to run a small business together. The flip side of goung back too early is that it can effects your health more, as i believe in my situation.

Grieving is draining on its own. I have never been to the doctors as much as I have done this year! It is about trying to get that balance. I would have preferred more time out if I had a choice. At the same time I think going back to work, continuing my evening yoga classes has given me structure to my to week days. I still sometimes struggle at weekends, probably like a lot of us do.  

If you do normally work full time I would strongly suggest a phased return to work, if that option is available.  I still don't work full days but am getting better - I am convinced that is because I went back too early. 

For me, going back to work was not getting away from it at all but it has, in hindsight, forced me to deal with how it is now and going to be.

On busy days, when I am out and about, I still have a little cry in the car.  I miss not sharing the challenges we had at work that we used to  deal with together. Everyone tells me I am good enough to continue but my heart is not in it sometimes.

I have only had one session with Bereavement Support, around the three months stage. Whilst in the very early days I wanted to change my job, my home I now realise that this is a normal response and that I should give it time to ensure that is what I really want in the long term.  For now I am staying put and it feels right.

My work colleagues are like family. I am lucky to have their support but at the same time they are going through it too....we often talk about how unique our situation is. The thing is grief is unique to us all and there is no set way of dealing with return to work. It's about trying achieve that right balance for yourself. 

I really appreciated all the comments I had in the very early days about being kind to yourself on this forum. I think this should always be the starting point and then see what works for you. Whatever you decide to do it will always be difficult at first but it does get easier....

With lots of love,

Dutsie x

Hi Jane, Academically blonde ,Dutsie  & everyone 

sorry for coming back to this a bit late but first chance I’ve had today. 

Jane, Thankyou for your lovely comments, sometimes I’m wondering whether to post or if someone else will put it better..,I’m glad it helped, there are some lovely people on here who often seen to have the words I need to hear too.

Hooray for understanding, kind bosses!  How lovely of him to phone & take the time to talk you properly & outside of work too.  I hope that has made you feel a bit more positive about work at the moment, he obviously values you as a person as well as your contribution at work too. If there is anything remotely positive to come out of our awful experiences, for me it has to be that we often get to see the very best of people too. I am so glad you had that chat with him.

I agree with so many points on this thread- balancing obligations on our time, whilst still needing to be busy in the way we need to (especially at the weekends) yet wanting space & quiet to grieve.... there’s no magic formula we all just do our best. 

I sometimes think of my boss’s comments when I went back to work when I said I felt a bit unsure of things & he said if we can give people time to pick it up again after a years maternity leave or a career break we can surely give that time to you. It stuck with me & gave me the confidence to gradually believe I could do it again. And your boss is right, no one will expect you to instantly carry on where you left off. As usual we are out biggest critics...

Love to all 

Sarah xx