I give up

There is no shame in wanting to be with your wife.  I think deep down we have all felt the same.  I used to get up every morning and say I love my life.  I dont do that anymore, so I do understand completely.  Don’t give up.  Please.  It will get easier, I promise. Xx

I just dont see the point no more ...im lost without linz x

Hi Peter

I'm sorry to read your latest post I thought reading an earlier one today that the memory of your beloved wife was keeping you going,  has something changed in a short space of time to make you want to give up and leave us.

I do believe that we all get you, we understand the grief you are going through but you must believe that no one on this site will ever judge you for anything you say.

It is very understandable to want to be with your wife and feel the pain now that she is gone. I know you were everything to each other she was your world, your life your sole mate and it's difficult trying to find the answer why me why us and I am afraid these are the things we can never find an answer to.

I did suggest a few nights ago that you might find benefit from speaking with the Samaritans and I can understand why you don't want to speak to them but they are there to help people with all emotional problems and I still would urge you to speak to someone  really talking in good and gets things in the open.

Perhaps your GP could arrange some counselling sessions for you, these people don't intrude into your life but help you to understand your feelings, really grief is a strange animal and can be difficult to get to grips with it but it can really help to be able to speak to someone who will listen to you.

I can try and help you find some people that you can speak to and my thoughts are to suggest contacting a Maggies centre and I hope there maybe one near to you. If that would interest you let me know and I'll send you a link to them.

I don't know and I don't need to know what happened between you and your daughter that's she no longer living with you but wouldn't it be better for you to focus your life in the thought you could still be united with her if not to live with you but you can see her and spend time with her surely that's something that would be good for you.

I will not look down on you, I will not judge you but I will give a firm commitment to you  can come on here at anytime and speak to me for a chat, to let off steam or just to have a rant and rave I don't intend to give up on you now, tomorrow or any day in the future all I ask is that you don't give up on us we are trying to help you and be as supportive to you as we can if you will let us.

You are not being judged by anyone on this site all we want to do is be here for you and we can only do that if you stay on line surely being able to come on line and have a have a rant is far better than not being able to talk albeit online to someone who really does know what you are going through and is probably feeling the same as you and would welcome  the opportunity to talk with you.

Please don't give up on us we won't give up on you.

Ian

Hi Peter

I hope you don't mind me replying.  I am not a widow or widower.  I lost my Dad to pancreatic cancer in December last year.  I saw your post and I could not just read and run.

I totally get where you are and how you feel, although for totally different reasons.  If any thing I say is out of turn I deeply apologise.

In April 2017 I lost My 18 year old son at the hands of another.  I do have family and we are very close I also have two young children, but still very often wake on a morning sad and upset that I didn't get my wish over night.  Although the love is different from the love you have for your wife, the longing I feel to be with my son is overwhelming.  Today is my birthday and all I see it as is that I am one year closer to being with my first born and much loved Son.

I have had counselling and that did not help,  to be honest I think we are the only ones that can help ourselves after suffering such a dreadful loss.  

It is very early days for you. You say your wife was the only one that you trusted and the only one who truly got you.  Please try to let her help you.  The way you are feeling is totally natural,  we go though things that there are no words sufficient to describe.  Let the love you have guide you ( I know that sounds corny).  I felt as though I had no right to find any form of happiness, if I caught myself laughing the guilt would stop me in my tracks like a slap to the face.  

We find a way, I don't know how but we do.  The feelings will never leave, there is no getting over it, but there is a way to live alongside it.  Allow yourself time to weep to scream to sob on a regular basis.  You will find the strength I promise you. 

I think of my son all the time and the memories are very bitter sweet,  One second I will smile at a memory and then the sadness will come and vice versa.  

To lose the love of your life is the hardest thing we can ever face.  Please be gentle on yourself 

Sharon

It’s your decision, but surely talking to people who understand what you are going through is a good idea.  I think we are all lost without our other halves, but we do gradually find ourselves again.  Never the same, because we are only half of what we were and changed by what we and our partners have been through.  Maybe in some ways stronger and in other ways more vulnerable.  No two of us are the same, we all react differently and everyone’s journey through grief is different although very similar at times. Don’t burn bridges, keep talking.  It may not help majorly, but won’t hurt either.  Whatever your decision. I wish you well love Dolly xx

Hi Peter,

I would to iterate - please do leave the group.

It hit me hard at the 3 month stage too. I was not one for sharing online forums (never contributed to the carers group until it was time to leave).

I thought I was not one for sharing my innermost feelings with strangers but it is the "strangers" here that helped prod me along. We have all felt intense pain and desperately lonely at times. Sharing here makes you feel that you are not alone because you are not. There is always someone listening.

I was hesitant taking up bereavement support but glad I did. I would embrace all the help you can get. At least try it once and if it is not for you then it is not. Never been in this position before and whilst I do have people around me that I could speak to I just did not. Found it easier talking to a stranger in the end which helped me process my feelings.

I had no expectations of what I would gain from bereavement support,  I even doubted whether it would help at times. You may be pleasantly surprised as I was so please give it a go and carry on posting here.

With lots of love,

Dutsie x

To reply to you all i just miss her i where her clothes and am just rock bottom i wont leave the group but i feel as thought i have a knife twisted lindsey was my air ..having mental health issues dont help me ...i tried so hard to save her i prayed i tried everything ...all i see is her head fall when she took her last breath ....im sat crying looking at my cat our cat life is cruel ... i love my wife 

What would Lindsey say to you.  Are you getting help with you mental health problems.  I think I read earlier that you saw you doctor every week.  If you are not getting enough help with these problems you need to ask your Gp for more help.  Go find the help you need. Keep posting.  You help us as I hope we are helping you.  Take care.  Love Dolly xx

Hi Peter,

I am sorry you are hurting so much. And I can read the pain and despair through your lines. The decision of whether or not to leave this group is entirely yours, however what I would say to you is that there is no other way to deal with the grief than going through it, and I know that the people on here, myself included, find this group very helpful because they can share with people who truly understand. So personally I would say: Stay with us, keep sharing, keep reading and finding yourself in other people's posts, and it will get easier over time.

I also think, though, that it may be helpful for you to address the mental health issues you refer to often in your posts with your GP or doctor. I don't know if you are on medication and what you are taking, but maybe there is something you could take to ease the anxiety and help you through this particularly dark time? Your doctor may also be able to suggest bereavement support or counselling to you. I do apprecaite that your mental health issues don't help in this grieving process, but I do feel that it may be helpful to address them kind of separetely as well as dealing with the bereavement. I hope this makes sense.

You are not on your own.

Love, Mel.