My Son has turned to alcohol to deal with his mams loss

Hi Mark

Welcome to the online community and I am very sorry that you had to come along and find us at this time but I am pleased you did and have managed to reach out to us.

Young people like adults handle grief differently and unfortunately we don't have a rule book to follow and have to take each situation as it arises.

Have you found counselling for your son either from GP or through his school 

Talking to teenagers can be difficult at the best of times and with the death of his mother who knows what's going on in his head at the moment and he obviously thinks that alcohol will cure and take away the hurt he is feeling. Although we all know that turning to alcohol is not the road to follow for anyone and we have to find an alternative to get him to handle his feelings and if you can get him to talk and at 15 this could be difficult as a that age they are not responsive to parents. 

Would you be able to do things with him that he used to do with his mother and involve him more in the family life making him feel as if he has a role to play as a young adult.

You could find out if there is a Cruise support centre near to you that both your son and yourself could attend and have bereavement sessions together, they also can arrange for specialist counsellors who have training in supporting young people to talk with him.

If your son is like most young teenagers and has a smartphone I've come across the following which might help him

Google app young people and bereavement

Apple store app young people and bereavement

In these apps he can speak with others who are experiencing bereavement and maybe get help in that way, you can also take part in it as well.

The more you can get your son to open up to you the better and of course it's a two way street you will have to open up to him as well, we as parents think by hiding out own grief we are showing the way but our children need to know how we are feeling. Grief is a strange thing no one can predict how it will affect us and in what order and how often we will have to address the same stage many times and other stages will pass us by.

Please keep talking to your son showing him your love and remind him that whilst you cannot replace his mum you are always there to support him at any time and do things with him.

You should also have a word with his school as this will affect his school work and they should be watchful for any change in his behaviour and make allowances for it 

Please do keep coming back to us as we want to give you all the support you need to help you and your son at this time.

Ian

I would be very concerned how he got the alcohol, was he able to buy it, was he given it by older boys or obtained it another way which could be another thing to watch out for. Hopefully 1 or 3 do not apply as both are quite worrying and need to be addressed very quickly.

Dear Mark

I'm really sorry to hear that your son's  turned to drink. Thankfully you are aware of this now. School and Doctors can be involved  and counselling this should speed up any reaction Id hope for you. It must be such a worrying time on top of your grief. You must remind your son all you do now comes from your love for him. Your knowledge  that even though initially it takes the hurt away the destruction that it could cause and no one wants that. 

I hope you find help soon and that your difficult road can be supported along the way. Please let us know how things go for you both.

Hi Mark 

I think it’s incredibly hard for teenagers to voice how they feel & they haven’t always got the words. 

One of my sons wanted to just continually play on the PlayStation all the time, & do nothing else. I thought he was avoiding feeling things but he said it was good to just lose himself in something else for a while... not the same thing I know but for the same reason.

If this is a one off, you may have to treat it as just that- after all your son will desperately want to feel like a ‘normal’ teenager especially with his friends, no one likes to feel different through their experiences at that age.  If it’s deeper than that, can you try to channel his emotion in another way, get him a punch bag or something? 

It’s so hard to get teenagers to open up. They worry about upsetting you too. Would he consider talking to a teacher at school? Going through this makes them older than their years & he needs to know you’re not so cross at him for getting drunk as concerned that he manages his feelings in a better way... 

I hope you have a better day today

Sarah xx

Hi Mark,

just reading your post brought back memories of myself 

I lost my Dad at 18 a couple of years older than your son I know but looking back I turned to drink for a short while. I just wanted to act and feel normal like all my friends did. Luckily I had a great family and friends that started to pick up on this and I soon seen the error of my ways. I started to realise drinking made my grief a million times worse the next day. You sound an amazing Father and your soon will hopefully realise it’s not good I’m sure he will with you there to guide him. Hopefully it was just a temporary thing with him. 

Jane x