Losing a wife to cancer

Hi Mark

Welcome to the group nobody ever wants to join.

It's still very early days for you and your son and I found that you have to do things as and when you feel it's the right time.

Its just over a year since my husband passed away.  I cleared away his clothes etc quite early on.  Well when I say cleared away u just moved them to a different room.  Its only recently having started counselling again that I've sorted it out properly and although sad to do I feel better for it.

I know only too well the discussions you would've had with your wife. We had them too.  My husbands exact words were "don't be a spinster".   Still makes me laugh now.

You mentioned counselling it isn't for everyone. I had sessions last June for a bit then just started them up again in April this year,  just before the qzt anniversary.

I found a great organisation called WAY (widowed and young) there's a right mix of members but 2 things in common we're all widows and we are all younger too.

Anyway. I didn't want to read and run. Take care

B -x-

Hello Mark

Firstly welcome to this supportive group, although I'm very sorry you have to be here.

I'm nearly two years into this, and am somewhat older than you (my children are at university). But I just wanted to say that everyone is different in how they manage grief, so if counselling works for you that's good but equally you may find other ways. I do think counselling is something that might be beneficial a bit later when the shock has died down a bit, but again it's very individual. I haven't gone down that route myself, but I believe my grief was fairly 'uncomplicated' - he died, we loved each other, no 'if only' things or regrets that were not sorted out.

I chipped away at my husband's things, giving some away very early on (I dished out his books at his memorial service for instance, and gave a suit to my sister's partner etc etc). Other things I've parted with much more recently, and some of them have been very sad - his bike, his piano. I've waited until the opportunity has arisen or I've felt strong enough to deal with it.

I tried the older person's version of WayUp, which wasn't for me, but for many people it was helpful. However I did find MeetUp very good, especially the walking groups as they got me out of the house and meeting people who didn't exhaust me with their concern and questions, as they didn't know a thing about me. MeetUp is a sort of platform where you can get together with others on an interest-based basis. I still saw/see my old friends who are wonderful (and I probably use them as unofficial counsellors), but the new social circles are very helpful from the point of view of going forward in new directions.

My children have reacted in different ways, but both are doing OK at the moment. They both had a little counselling when their dad was dying and they have access to support at their respective universities, although I don't know whether they've taken it up. I expect your son's school will offer something similar. I guess you'll need to let him make the choices about whether/when to seek help. I did talk with my kids a lot about their dad, and I wasn't afraid to share my sadness with them. Also if I felt upbeat I wasn't afraid to show that either, as I think it helped them to see that it is possible to be sad and yet to experience good moments at the same time.

Even more recently, I have met a widower who shares many of my interests and outlook. I am hopeful that things are going to get better from now on, but of course my lovely husband is right there in my heart. My children are very supportive, which helps.

It's all very overwhelming at first. The usual advice is 'one day at a time' and it's true. You'll find it hard to imagine that you can ever smile again, but eventually alongside the sadness there will be new experiences and memories of old ones that bring good feelings rather than dark ones.

Wishing you and your son all the best.

I'm so sorry for the loss your wife.

There is no rush to do anything. My husband's things are still where he left them and he passed 31 March 18 aged 47.

I open his draws and touch his things and close the draws again. I did scale down his many pairs of the same jeans, tee shirts, pants and socks, as there were alot. But 70% is still there. Do whatever feels right.

My son's were 18 and 12 when he passed. We had asked at their school for a once a week meeting with a Guidance teacher. This has continued until recently for the youngest. It just gave them someone else to talk to, to moan to, even if it was about me.

If I can say please speak to your son about his mum, tell him often how proud she will be, how sad she must have been to leave him and you. Hug him often even if he doesn't hug you back. 

Post on here whenever you need, someone is always listening.

Dear Mark and many supportive forum friends

I'm  so sorry for you and your son. You did amazingly well to discuss those conversations before your wife passed. Ellis will have support and also inform them if exams are approaching as there are considerations. 

Everyone's  given good advice and this is your personal direction. Ruby Diamond is right about hugs and I think sharing your grief is completely acceptable but everyone is individual. There is a great group here and Macmillan  are at the end of the phone. 

Hope you can have happy memories and smiles 

Hello everyone who has replied and thank you for your advise and kind wodds as my heart is laced with memories of Michelle. My son has broken into tears this week as he has GCSE exams to face as you advised given him reassurance and plenty of Daddy hugs seems to be doing the trick. 

Thankyou and will be in touch very soon on the forum 

mark