Seven months on - still so lost...

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Instead of getting better, I feel as if my grief is getting worse. Or perhaps the natural "anaesthesia" that seems to come following a death is finally wearing off. Not sure...but I am missing my precious Chris more now than ever before. Today marks 7 months since his death. For me, it means 7 months of weird dreams, broken sleep, tears, and feeling so very, very lost.

I redecorated my living room and that gave me some focus (we set up his hospital bed in there, so I needed to make changes so it no longer looked like the room he died in). I redecorated with him in mind - not in a shrine-like way, but with the kinds of colours and styles he would love. I've replaced the old bed linens. Nothing in an attempt to get rid of memories, but to simply create a serene haven, a sanctuary, for me and a place where sleep, hopefully, will come.

I've reorganised my studio, but my ability to create is gone. Not forever, I'm sure, but for now. I simply don't have it in my heart to make something beautiful.

Chris' birthday - what would have been his 60th - was at the beginning of this month. Possibly the worse day I've experienced beyond the day he died. I missed him so much that day, cried so much. Found out that for all of the family, it was an equally hard day.

Am I ever going to feel like me again? Am I ever going to feel the slightest amount of lasting joy - not just moments, but perhaps days on end when happiness is part of my life? I'm so sad, so tired, so fed up. I hate dinner time - because I am alone and my disability requires that I eat prepared meals (fortunately, they taste very good). I feel old before my time. And I miss my best friend so much it physically hurts.

Sorry about the rant, and I'm sorry I haven't been here more often. My heart goes out to everyone who is here, because we are all here for the same reason.

Love,
Martha

Novembergirl over 5 years ago

Hi Martha

I think you're right about the anaesthesia effect. When it lifts you feel the sadness, weight and pain of it all. I have been grieving for two years now, although my husband actually died 20 months ago. It might sound strange that shortly after the first anniversary of his death I felt "that's enough sadness. I want some joy". It's almost like I willed myself to feel happier, and to some extent I do. I did put things in place to help, like joining an art class, a walking group and a social group to make new friendships. A lot of the time I didn't want to go out, but I did and once there it was OK and helps you to learn to live with your grief while moving forward. Anything you can do to build new stuff around your grief will help (eg. the redecorating you've been doing). Stick at it, easier said than done of course. There is a short film on the BBC website about grief which I find quite useful, with some graphics to explain this idea. Here's the link:

www.bbc.co.uk/.../why-grief-is-not-something-you-have-to-get-over

Love to all on here.

MarthaGM over 5 years ago in reply to Novembergirl

Thank you so much, Novembergirl. It does seem to be just a case of pushing on sometimes. I wish the weird dreams would stop, though. However, that is down to the meds I have to take for my joint pain. Oh well..

The short film was very helpful! Thank you for that, too.

"i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart) ..."
Life must end, but love is eternal.

MelanieL over 5 years ago in reply to MarthaGM

Dear Matha and NovemberGirl and everyone else,

Martha, I am so sorry you are feeling so low. I think you are right: many of us feel more sad and lost as time goes on because the first shock about what has happened wears off and we come to really understand in a deep way that our loved one will never come back. It is a pity that you still have trouble sleeping and I hope that you will soon be able to return to a normal sleep pattern. Nothing and nobody can replace the loved one we have lost, but it is important to move forward - not move on but move forward - and create some new memories in our lives; and you have done something really positive in redecorating the living-room. Hopefully, in time, you will be able to find the wish to create something beatufiul again in your heart which is I am sure what Chriss would want you to do as well. But take your time. There is no rush.

NovemberGirl, it sounds interesting that you say that you felt at some point that it was enough with the sadness and that you wanted to create some joy again, it sounds like you have taken proactive steps in doing so.

Love to everyone

Mel.

I don't like the term "moving on" because it sounds to me like we are leaving our loved ones and the life we had with them behind. I like the term "moving forward" as it implies that, while life goes on, our loved ones are still with us in our hearts and minds.

FormerMember over 5 years ago

Dear Martha you sound like you did a lot like me being busy and needing a focus.

I'm sure your creative abilities will return be gentle with yourself. I also understand how hard Chris's birthday would have been I experienced that difficulty too.

It must be even harder with your disability and with meals already done there's that decision out for the day too. Have you been in touch with your doctor. You can still ring Macmillan to talk they are there for us too.

Meanwhile look for a small chink of light you mentioned a studio can you get new materials? Look at art work you've enjoyed music or books. Just something for you. Also allow yourself some treats if you can. Take care and keep posting. Xxx

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