Is there a light at the end of the tunnel

Yes, nuttyblond, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I promise.   My husband died in March 2016 so I am now three years on this terrible journey.  I don't often post on this forum but even now, I look at it every day.  Your post is full of such despair, I just had to respond.  

it is still such early days for you (and I am sure you are fed up with people saying that) and your grief is raw, all consuming and still  so very very painful.   But gradually it will ease, and you will start to look forward again.  I am sorry but it will take time and you just can't rush or bypass this part of the grief road.  You just have to get through it as best you can.  Try not to look  too far ahead, take it day by day and cry, scream and shout  whenever you have too.  And keep posting on here - we all help each other.   

When I was in the early stages  like you, I read this forum every day and I so wanted time to pass and I wanted to be a year, two years etc on.  I just thought from all the posts I read it would get easier.   And it really does.   Time is not a healer, life does not get better but it does get easier.  I have adjusted to my life without Paul.  I hate it and still miss him so very much but it does not tear me apart like before - I can live with it.   I enjoy doing things again - seeing family and friends, holidays, sunny weather.   The light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter.  And I look back and can't believe that three years have passed so quickly, when in the beginning, every day seemed endless.  Time does pass. 

I met a lady at the cemetery last week who asked me how long ago Paul died.  When I said 3 years, she replied - oh, still very raw for you.  Her husband had died 10 years ago and she said every year it got that little bit easier.  That gave me hope that the light will get brighter and brighter each year.

A new grandchild will be wonderful but I can understand that you are still too deep in despair to think of anything but your loss.  Please believe me, you will enjoy life again.  It will never be the same, it can't be, but it can be good and you can be happy. 

Sending you love and a hug.  

Hi nuttyblond and Susie46,

Thank you for sharing so openly how you are feeling, nuttyblond. I can read the despair from your lines. Please believe me and others here on the forum when we say that it does get easier with time. My husband Paul passed away in May of last year, so it is almost a year for me now that I lost him, and there is not a day and maybe not even an hour when I don't think of him, there are many moments when I am really sad and feel lost without him, and there are many moments when I cry because I wish he was still here and healthy, but, while all of this made it almost impossible for me to do anything in the past or only with a huge amount of effort, I now feel that both the grief and the joy or fun or whatever good feeling I may have can exist simultaneously. For example, I am looking forward to my day in work today and I am so happy about the beautiful spring weather, but I am also sad that Paul is not here to experience it with me. It is okay that he is no longer here. It is not what I wanted and it is not easy to be without him but I have accepted that this is what life is now and that I need to move forward day by day and hour by hour. Trust me and others here who tell you that it will be the same for you.

I think it is important to know that you can't bypass any stage of this grief, as Susie46 said, because trying not to feel or not to experience the pain would mean bottling it up and it would only come out later on. I often think that every single part of this process needs to be experienced and felt in order for us to really process it.

Susie46, your post was very encouraging. It sounds like you have found a way for yourself to life with your pain of loss without being consumed by it every single day. I think that is a good thing. And hopefully everyone on this forum will get to this place in their own time.

Love, Mel.

Thank you so much for your encouraging words, I have been trying to bottle things up and pretend that I'm ok.  I'm not ok, but your words have given me hope that one day things will look brighter.

I am pleased that you enjoy doing things again and hope to feel that way one day.

Sending you love and a big hug also.

Thank you Mel, I am beginning to realise that I have to go through this process.  I have depression as well, which I have suffered since I was 24, I am now 53 and every day has been a battle even though I take medication. I just feel that everything is falling in on my head, I lost my mum in the November and even though Geoff my husband was ill himself he was my rock.  Now my rock has gone and I just want to be with him, but I know this is not possible.  On a positive note though I have started grief counselling today and hope that will give me the tools to move forward without him.

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement.

wendy

Dear Nuttyblond

I'm so sorry you have felt so despairing  of any light. There will be many memories, ups and downs, triggers and events. Pleas remember how your loved one would want you to feel. You've had a difficult time and you must give yourself time rest and recover from all the emotional  and physical strain and upset. Please post as much as you need. I hope you have comfort and support Macmillan  support us even now should you need to talk to someone. Take care xxx

Wendy,

I hope that you will find the counselling helpful. I think for a while anyway it will be beneficial to be able to talk it all through and out and to reflect on what you have been going through with someone who is there to simply listen to you.

Mind yourself,

Mel.

So sorry, Nutty Blonde, for how you are feeling. I understand. People say things they think will comfort and encourage but you are on that  lonely island they can't really reach. I don't think anyone knows how it feels until they are there themselves and one would not wish them to be. I lost my own husband last August and it is, of course, still raw. I miss him so much it hurts physically. I am still asking the question: "Where are you?" Despite this, I have moments of strength and have sorted out many practicalities as best as I can. I had to find some work and working provides a distraction and an opportunity to feel I am useful. My sons are also grieving in their different ways (oldest very protective and worried and in touch, youngest saying little and perhaps afraid)  and I want to support them as they find a way forward in their lives - they don't live at home. What a difficult renegotiation it all is!  When alone (most of the time) I try to plan my time around small tasks and build in watching a TV programme I will enjoy, trying to read or eating a simple meal that I fancy, even if it's fish fingers and chips! My tastes and routine have all changed and I am trying to follow them. Posts on this forum can be very helpful in showing that there is a way through.  But yes, the longing... when it is overwhelming, I remember some very good advice given to me at third hand: breathe in, breathe out. Sometimes it's down to just that. 

Thank you JJ59 for your kinds words and advice.