My husband died 5 months ago now after a two year illness- the worst two years ever. I think I started to grieve while he was still here although I never let him see that and tried to stay upbeat for him. When he died I was to an extent relieved that he was no longer suffering and felt no pain could be as bad as watching him die and not being able to help him.
I have tried really hard since his death to pick up the pieces and forge a new life for myself. I see friends whenever they suggest a coffee; I keep busy and try to get out every day and recently I even started a voluntary job at a local animal rescue centre. I thought I was doing ok. In March, I wondered how I would feel as my birthday approached - the first without him. It couldn’t have been worse really; my elderly mum who had herself been unwell for many months, passed away as I sat with her. Somehow this is proving harder to deal with as I now feel totally alone. Tonight I’ve been looking through photos for mums funeral and it’s been quite a shock to realise my family, smiling out at me from these pictures, have now all gone. I have no parents and no husband and I feel so so alone. If I think about it I feel quite panicked . I do have two wonderful daughters but they don’t live close enough for quick visits and in any case I don’t want to become the mum who needs looking after at my age- 59! I have my husbands family and they are trying to be supportive but it just doesn’t feel the same as having my family. I have good friends who are keeping in touch and offering their support- but somehow I feel they don’t understand what I’m going through. There is no one who is there for me really. That isn’t a criticism of anyone I know- just a fact. Friends will chat and offer sympathy but then go off back to their families and their weekends away and I’m still on my own. Even the good days - I have no one to share them with now. Friends don’t really want to hear how my grandson now knows my cats name or how pretty the bird was I spotted in our tree. Or at least- I could mention that if I was with them but not contact them just to tell them. Does this resonate with anyone else? I can’t see how this can change. I’m not lonely - I have plenty of people who care- but it just isn’t the same as parents or husband. My daughters could fill the gap but as I said before, I don’t want to be that needy mum and they have their own lives. They are also dealing with the loss of their dad and worrying about me so I don’t want to overburden them.
I feel I’m rambling now. Not sure there is anything that can be said to change these feelings but thought it might help if others were feeling the same.
Carol
