Feeling so alone

Dear Carol

I'm so sorry for your losses and so close and on top of each other but also so hard. The loneliness is understandable  given who has passed. Do however  keep your feelings as open and honest with your daughters as possible. At this time don't feel a burden. 

Here is a good place with help and support or just opportunity  to say it as it is. We all can relate to experiences along the way. I hope you enjoy the volunteering. There is that busy time but also you need your own time having been through so much. Take care and I always remind people Macmillan  supports us through bereavement  if you need to talk to someone. Best wishes and thinking of you xxx

Wifeof26years- thank you for taking time to reply. I felt a little bit better just having written my feelings down and it was good to know someone ‘heard’. I think once this funeral is over I might seek counselling so I can try and sort out what are now quite confused feelings; I think at my mums funeral my thoughts will inevitably be with my husband too. 

The sun is shining here today and I don’t feel as hopeless as last night. 

Carol

Hi Carol,

What you've said totally reflects my circumastances Mum and Dad died in the last 4 years and my wonderful wife Margi after 42 years together died last October- all down to cancer. My children don't need me to add to their grieving with mine so I'm doing the best I can.

I too accept all family invitations so I don't have much quiet time but I do feel very lonely.

I never had a master plan for my life to be like this at 60 but I do feel that this group helps a lot because we're really speaking to the only people in the world who can come close to getting how we feel.

My daughter talks about creating the "new normal" and I guess she's right even if it's not as good as the old normal so I'm giving it a try.

Sorry this has turned out about me. It shouldn't be.

Reference your last paragraph it does help me to hear what someone else is experiencing. Thanks for  taking the time

Take care

Ian

Hello Ian- no need for apologies; you didn’t make it about yourself but simply shared your experiences which helped me to feel in some way less alone. Thank you for that. 

Im so sorry that you have experienced such loss to cancer. Any loss is dreadful but I think with cancer there is the added pain of the rollercoaster of hope/ loss of hope and watching your loved ones declining terribly. You must have had a very difficult few years when I imagine you were the one trying to support everyone else? That reflects my experience too; both my parents died of COPD and my husband had a previous and entirely different cancer, from which he recovered completely. I’m interested in you saying previously that family were wanting you to spend time with them whereas you were craving time to yourself- which is exactly how I feel. So there is this contradiction; I feel so alone yet in some ways don’t want to be with those who are offering their company. I want the company of those who have passed. I realised I have so many memories of times with my parents and husband- memories which now no one else shares. That’s also an odd feeling. So many emotions to try to come to terms with and my whole world has changed. It is such a comfort though to know that others too are experiencing these complex emotions, much as I wish none of us had to. 

Carol

Hi Carol

I wanted you to know that I know exactly how you are feeling because I am in the same position.  I also lost my husband almost five months ago after just a three month illness.  We were married for 46 years and the diagnosis, the treatments and his passing was just so overwhelming.  I understand exactly how you started to grieve before he passed because I did exactly the same.  We were told at the time of diagnosis that his condition was terminal and trying to live with that information and watching him go through radiotherapy, chemotherapy and the various procedures he had to have was absolutely heartbreaking.  It's so frustrating because you want more than anything to make things better for them but it's completely out of your hands and all you can do is care for them as best you can.  I was like a nervous wreck and my GP put me on anxiety tablets as she said that I was suffering from post traumatic stress.  I do feel the tablets have helped me a lot and I'm coping better now and I don't feel quite so hopeless or helpless.  

I too have two sons who don't live nearby but both have been wonderful but, like you, I don't want to be a burden on them as they are still grieving for their dad.  I lost my parents many years ago and although my siblings and friends have been such a good support, it's just so difficult because the one person I want here with me is my husband and no amount of company can replace him.  I feel that I've accepted that now and I just try every day to cope for his sake.  I make sure that every day I put a bit of make-up on and do my hair and eat properly because he would hate to see me suffering.  I don't know if this would work in some small way for you but I feel that it gives me a purpose to carry on.  Don't get me wrong, there's days when it's really difficult but it makes me feel I'm doing something for him and a bit more in control because I want him to be proud of me. 

I hope this message has been of some small help for you because I empathise completely with how you are feeling.  Feel free to message me any time as I'm sure that sharing our feelings and experiences will help us all to know that we are not alone.  None of us wanted to join this club but the best we can do now is to help each other through it.

Wishing you, and everyone else on this site, peace love and strength.

Take care

Jackie

Hello Everyone on this thread,

I think all of us on this thread have  experiences which are very similar to each other. I too lost my husband of 40 years on 19thJan after   a 3 month fight against a very aggressive prostate cancer,I also grieved before he died , I found out it was called Anticipatory Grief and I was given some sort of mild medication to relax me,for example I had 2 minor scrapes with my car during this period , after 40 years of driving., another symptom is “heightened anxiety”, I was over reacting to every symptom.

I totally agree with Ian’s comments re not giving our children out grief ,on top of their own.When they phone I try not to mention if Ihave had a bad day.

I don’t think anyone could imagine what it’s like to be in our position, we were so happy we never gave it a thought,even when he had his prognosis ,we kept saying wait til the Autumn (2019] and we will rebook that holiday to Spain we had to cancel.That was our goal,but it was not to be

I don’t feel counselling is for me but I wanted to meet people face to face as well as on this wonderful forum ,so this week I went to a “bereavement cafe” (awful name) at a local hospice and met a lady there who had lost her husband in January too and  found she had similar feelings to all of us on here. .I will go again but to be honest some of the people there hadn’t had a recent bereavement ,but many years ago and were there for the tea and biscuits and to pass some time,I don’t begrudge them being there ,but I was glad I met Janet otherwise it would have been a pointless journey

My best wishes to all of you

Maddie

Thank you to everyone on this thread for replying and being so empathetic. What a shame we can’t all get together around a table and have a good chat! Our experiences sound so similar. To my friends I think I probably appear to be coping well- and I think I am - but it’s this panic of realising this is it and I’m now alone. A widow and an orphan. I know that generally this state comes to most people but with cancer it seems to come earlier than we would have expected and when friends still have their families together. 

Im just pouring a coffee. Wish you could all join me! 

Carol

Hi everyone,

Does anyone else experience anything like this?

I am sat reading a book and glancing at TV. The chapter I am reading is set at Christmas Eve, I found myself drifting away remembering last Christmas Day, when he was so poorly and tried so hard to join in all the celebrations. It’s made me so sad that that is the last Christmas he will ever see. I have a photo of him sat in the lounge with his Christmas cracker hat on ,looking so tired

I seem to go one step forward and one back, I had a relatively “good” day but i am in bits now.

Its 12 weeks tomorrow, Sometimes it feels as raw as it did on the day he died

I sometimes envy people who believe in a heaven, it much be much easier somehow

Sorry for rambling on

Maddie

i

So sorry Maddie. I too find the something will suddenly take me back to a time when my husband was ill and the sadness hits again. However I do think it’s all part of the grieving process. When my husband first died, I felt completely numb and that continued for quite some time. It was only really the last month or two that I have started to really take on board what happened and allow myself to feel those deep emotions. I saw that as some sort of progress though; that my tears were in some way cathartic. Having lost my mum last month I’m now back to feeling numb. I think that up and down pattern is probably very normal and hope that eventually the ups will be more than the downs. 

Not sure how you feel about virtual hugs but sending one anyway. 

Carol

Hi Maddie, Carol and all

I feel the same way. Just not sure how to deal with all this when the one person I would turn to is gone.

Everything you all say is so true. I wish I could stop feeling this way but then feel I would be letting a my soulmate for years go. I thought I was getting better, it is now 3 and half months, but I can’t deal with people asking me how am without that ominous lump bubbling up, so as you say 1 forward and one back.

Although I can say I don’t have the same violent feelings and I am beginning to remember John before he was ill. But also am looking back to a year ago when we didn’t know how I’ll he was but knew something wasn’t right and that is very painful and dreading the anniversary of his death sentence when everything changed.

i wish I could wrap everybody here in a warm security blanket that enabled us all to remember the goods times with warmth.

Loads o luv n warm virtual hugs too all

Jo

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