Existential Sadness

Ah Mel

I do understand so much of what you’re saying - we are having to deal with reality as it is now & it’s hard.

I also was with a patient the other day carrying out a procedure & I wasn’t even thinking about my husband when a thought struck me as if between the eyes - he will never get to share the day with me again. Obvious I know but it came out of nowhere & it felt so profound. 

I often work at a outreach clinic where they also do blood tests & when I walk past that area I always think of him & out lasts visits. Sometimes I wonder if I am confronting again just how ill he really was & although I would still take him back in a heart beat I can see now how unfair it was for him to have to continue suffering & although I so badly wanted him to keep going -as did he- maybe it is beginning to sink in how truly unfair that would have been.

I had  to renew some insurance the other day on the phone which had been in both our names. When I told them my change in circumstances I was ready for them to put me down as a widow, though I hate it, I accept that is what I am now. The guy apologised but then asked if that meant I wanted to now be known as ‘Ms’ rather than ‘Mrs’. I dealt with it at the time but afterwards it really hit me again- not just that shift in my new reality but also how 26 years of marriage felt they were being erased?? Not now acknowledged? Swept away? I don’t know, but the loss of status, & much worse the physical loss of my husband had never felt so real.  

I hope you have a better day today Mel 

Sarah xx

Hi All 

I can really relate to both your posts.It is so difficult I would have him back in a heartbeat but he was so ill & I willed him to carry on living which he tried so very hard not to leave me. I do realise he had to leave & in a strange way I was relieved that he was at peace but I do miss him so very much . I have a photo on my phone he is sitting in the pool with a beer in his hand & the loveliest smile which was for me cos I took the photo . Whenever I pick up my phone there he is smiling at me & it makes me smile & all my love for him comes flooding back in some ways it makes me happy & also sad as he is not here anymore. Oh dear sorry if I made you unhappy.

love & hugs 

jojo

Oh God, yes, the waves of anguish.... nearly eight months on I am experiencing them more and more.  At first, I went day by day. It was like being in a dream. For a lot of the time I felt bewildered, lost, anxious - looking back I can see that my judgement was often impaired and off-kilter (that is still the case, though less so, and I've learned to be cautions in decision making). Now I start to comprehend the enormity of loss. I still often think of my husband's bravery in his illness, when he struggled with loss of speech and mobility. But increasingly I have vivid flashbacks to our whole lives together - the challenges we had, the happiness in very simple things like driving to work together or watching a favourite TV programme. I can see how much our lives were defined by our love and commitment. The pain of not being with him, not having a future with him by my side is so overwhelming sometimes that everything else just stops.As you say, jojo, you can be happy for the love you had from and for the person you have lost and so sad at the same time. 

Thank you to everyone who has written on this thread. It is almost 6 months since I lost my soulmate. We met in our teens and were together almost 51 years. You have all expressed how I feel but tonight the pain of his loss is so intense I cannot put it into words. 

Thank you

Hi all

Had a really bad evening all the legal stuff is too hard to cope with & having to handle it all alone is dreadful. It's too complicated to explain. I can't wish him back as he was so ill looking back I now realise he was probably ill for years before he was diagnosed but he kept going trying not to worry me or upset me oh how I miss him so much I am so so very lonely & sad just one last timeI wish I could feel his arms around me I would give anything but it's impossible. I will myself to dream of him. I am just so unhappy can't sleep tonight.. So sorry but just had to tell someone maybe the counselling will help but I just don't know.

love & hugs 

jojo xxxx

Hello everyone,

i haven't been here for a while but pleased to see so many names I recognise and good to catch up on how you are all getting along.

It doesn't seem possible that 7 months have gone by since my husband Paul died. Mostly I am doing alright. Adjusting to life alone but alot of the time I feel like shouting...."Okay! The joke is over!  Can we get back to how things were?" 

i too have moments of sadness particularly with things I know Paul would have enjoyed..........the first warm sunny spring day, the cats doing funny things, a day trip , a meal out..........an afternoon spent with the family., the start of the new Grand Prix season which starts on or around His birthday. Mornings are still my worse times especially If I don't have anything planned for the day, but the bright sunny mornings do help and I try not to lay in bed too long as that seems to be my sadness trigger as that was our time to talk and make plans for the day....who to see, what to do.....

I can now see the the logic behind the advice of "don't make any decisions for a year" At first I was in a rush to get everything sorted, the house organised for possible sale, the extensive collection of tools and garage contents gone. Now a few months on I haven't done any of that thank goodness as my new life is slowly taking shape. I can even walk into the garage and not cry with despair! Things still need to be gone through and sold but at least I now have a fairly clear head.

i hate ticking the "widow" box on forms or owning up to being that person and now perhaps like you Sarah, the reality and enormity of what has happened finally kicking in. 

Jojo,I too would love to feel Pauls arms around me one last time. The legal stuff can be tough doing it on your own. Mine is still ongoing but hopefully will be resolved in the next few months. I hope that once complete it will be onto  a new  chapter.......not the one we planned for unfortunately.

Love to all. Kathy X