hi again not having a good time just of late I am really missing my husband can’t get used to him not being around after 30 plus years of being together, it will be a year in may since he passed away and I still can’t believe he’s gone forever
I'm sorry your finding it tough- I totally get it, it’s a year for me the end of May since I lost my husband too.
Much has changed & yet my feelings are exactly the same, it’s still so raw when I think about those last weeks. I think for me that’s why it’s getting harder again, I am reliving it again, it’s like a count down now to that first anniversary & my husband’s health deteriorated very rapidly this time last year, could it be the same for you?
It feels hard to care for yourself properly when every day you’re coping with grief, I know Im struggling to eat well as proper cooking feels like it uses so much energy (& it’s an activity we did together) that I just haven’t got. I’m also not sleeping well again & that makes me feel more emotional ...
I am hoping that things will be on more of an even keel again once we are past this first year although I am dreading it so very much. I expect you are similar. We cannot run away from that date & the memories & yet I hope in time we can also remember good times.
I don’t know if what I’m saying is helping at all but I did want you to know I’ve heard you, I’m listening..& I feel so very much for you, it is incredibly unfair.
Hi thank you for replying yes I’m very much the same I only cook when my daughter and her children are here I to don’t sleep well sometimes I don’t sleep at all my darling husband was my life my soul mate and friend he was such a strong person this time last year we were still working together on his family run farm he wasn’t able to do much but was still working, our daughter was getting married in the April so we were getting ready for that to as he was told he would not make it that far but they didn’t know my husband he was going to be there and he was, sadly 2 weeks to the day after her wedding he passed away at just 51 years old the days are so long now even with helping with the farm I still feel so lonely and lost, we were married 21 years but had been together 31 years so half our lives really people keep telling me that you learn to live with it well I don’t think I’ll ever learn to live without my darling husband. Thank you once again take care xx
I can empathise with you both though it's not a year yet for me. So all I can do is send love and say we all have to go through this reach out for support comfort and care wherever you can. Know you are not alone xxx
I find grieving exhausting, it’s continually challenging, ebbs & flows but is always trying.
It helps us all I think to know we are not alone, especially when we are worn out, fed up & our patience is stretched thin. Thank goodness we can all be honest on here.
Hello. I’m missing my husband too. We were together for nearly 11 years. Married for 6.5. He was only 38 when he died, as am I. So I might have a lot of life to live without him. I’m here for you, as is everyone else on here.
Hi I’m so sorry for your loss I thought I was cheated when I lost my husband at 51 I thought he was young yes it’s so unfair for everyone but I am so pleased I found this sight it really helps thank you and we can all take comfort in the fact we all know what we are all going through take care x
Our situation seems similar in that we both lost our husbands last May after a very fast decline. One year ago today my husband woke up with a sore throat and continued to get worse over the Easter weekend. When I brought him into hospital on Tuesday, he had a temperature of 38.9 and was very dehydrated. Of course they kept him in and diagnosed him with influenza and pneumonia a couple of days later. I brought him home after a week thinking that the pneumonia was under control and that he could recover better at home, but had to bring him back in two days later with pain in his lung (lung was consolidated on one side), he was kept in again and treated, this time with stronger antibiotics, but I could see that he was getting worse, not only because of the pneumonia, but in general: he had no concentration for anything, no wish to read, no wish to talk, was sleeping a lot and was often slightly disoriented (which I think was because of the meds but also because of the toxins in his body that his liver was unable to process at that point). I brought Paul home one more time, we had two and a half weeks during which we spent as much time as possible together, I cooked him good food, I made sure he ate and drank and had his medication on time, I brought him out for short walks... But then, on 13 May, he became so unwell again that I had to bring him to the hospital again. He had various infections in his body, no only the pneumonia still but a Klepsiella infection, his kidneys weren't working anymore, his liver wasn't working anymore, and he was actively dying. So this time is a very difficult one for me too as I am reliving, more than usual, what happened last year. Well, when I say "reliving" it's not like I am constantly thinking of it but it is close to the surface of my mind as you can see when you read the beginning of this post: I know that today one year ago it all started.
I do understand what you are saying about finding grieving exhausting. I think I am the same. I keep myself so busy most of the time that I don't allow this feeling to penetrate too much. But I do know that I am often tired or exhausted and that often all I want to do is curl up somewhere and sleep. Everything seems to be more effort than it used to be when my husband was still here.
I sleep very well fortunately and don't know how I would cope if I couldn't do even that. I often think: Whatever else goes wrong during the day, at least I can go to bed and know that I will find sleep.
As for cooking, I have to force myself to cook my own meals. Sometimes it feels so much easier just to put a ready meal into the oven. And sometimes I can't eat at home at all and bring my lunch into work with me. But other days are fine and I actually enjoy cooking for myself. It really depends on my mood I guess.
We are just in such a difficult place now where thoughts and feelings and emotions change all the time and all we can do is adjust to the situation as it is right now.
Love to you, Sarah, and all on this Sunday.
Mel.
I don't like the term "moving on" because it sounds to me like we are leaving our loved ones and the life we had with them behind. I like the term "moving forward" as it implies that, while life goes on, our loved ones are still with us in our hearts and minds.
Thankyou for replying, I think that all of us here have key dates we quietly acknowledge to ourselves, when there was diagnosis, treatments started, treatments stopped & health significantly & rapidly declined & for others who haven’t been through this, they don’t get it, how can they?
In this first year particularly, I can’t just ‘forget’ these dates, it’s not just the date of death & funeral I will mark as the time goes by. I’m not looking for them, but I know them anyway.... my husband started having devastating seizures this time last year & was blue lighted into hospital 2 weeks on the trot. The seizures had lasting effects, weakness & confusion, balance problems, which must have been caused by the brain mets bleeding... He was in over the mother’s day weekend last year, came home for 2 hours then ended up back in again.
Earlier this year I found the Mother’s Day cards he had bought for his mum & myself last year when he’d been able to get out with my son (who drives). We didn’t get them given to us in the end as he was suddenly taken in. When I found them there they were wedged between some books on a book case near where he kept his glasses. I admit, they took my breath away when I found them. I decided to give his mum hers this year & told her he had chosen it last year but that it was from all of us. She was pleased.
Soon it will be my birthday & last year he insisted we had a meal out to celebrate even though he could eat little & I sat on the edge of my seat on full red alert in case he had another seizure or collapsed. Hard to remember, painful to think of & yet I am trying to see past that to the positive- that he loved me enough to be so incredibly brave, to risk being unwell in public, to want to look after me & give me a nice time even though he was so very ill.
This is hard stuff for all of us. I fully expect things to get worse for me before they get better, certainly the closer I hurtle towards that 1 year anniversary . All I can do is hang on, same as everyone else. You are right Mel when you say we can only adjust to the situation & how we feel right now.
I am trying every day to remember now it is 10 months since he has been in pain & fear. I miss him every single day but I am glad he’s not hurting any more. I hope I haven’t upset anyone with my honesty, that wasn’t my intention
Hi Sarah yes we all have dates that mean so much to us all it’s around now my darling husband started to get really unwell but he was not going to let it beat him as it was so close to our daughters wedding day and he was going to be there no matter what and he did unfortunately by this time he was unable to walk but that didn’t stop him giving her away I pushed him up the aile beside our daughter he was such a proud father and so pleased he was able to see her get married. Sadly that weekend was the last time we spent at home together as by the Monday we were in hospital were I stayed by his side 24/7 I never left for the 2weeks he was there, sadly 2weeks to the day my daughter got married my wonderful husband passed away so for me from now until 5th may is going to be a really tough time, but with the support of the family, friends and this sight I know I will have all the support I need and I have the comfort in knowing my darling husband is pain free and at peace. Take care my angel xx
