My Husband Died 5 weeks ago - HELP

Hello Earllybirdme. 

So so so sorry for yu  believe me and many others here we know exactly where yu are . It's horrendous I'm a long way down the line from yu but it feels like yesterday  I lost the love of my life Nicky  we were together  from school and after over 35 years together  31.5 yrs married this bastard disease came along and destroyed it all . I'm just back from a reluctant few pints in the pub with my brother but it's something I wud very rarely do but I can't keep going round to my sons and daughters house it'sjust not fair on them . 

Open yur heart here wenever yu feel like it . It really duz help .

BIGG   SNUGGS   

               Wonderous  .

Hello so sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my lovely husband who was the same age as yours 18months ago but it seems like only yesterday. We were married nearly 51 years so as you can imagine I miss him so much. We have a lovely family and I have made friends with a group of people who have also lost their loved ones and it does help because they know just what I am going through. Your loss is so new but when I first lost my husband I don"t know what I would have done with out this site. Every one is so caring and of course we are all going through the same nightmare. Keep reading the messages and also keep in touch. love and hugs xxxxx  Carol. xxxx

My heart goes out to you Earlybirdme. The pain of those first few months was like nothing I'd ever experienced - as you say, your heart feels as if it is literally smashed to pieces and the grief is simply overwhelming. I felt as if I was out at sea with a tsunami of 100 foot waves crashing over me. Slowly I started to realise that the waves were a little less frequent and not so high. Gradually they subsided, 80 foot, 50 foot, 20 foot. My soulmate died almost 6 months ago and I'm still at sea, torn from my safe harbour with no idea where I'm going and, to be honest, not a lot of motivation to stay afloat. BUT it's more bearable, calmer, and just occasionally I have days where I feel lighter, almost hopeful. Other members who are further in to this journey tell us that this is how it will be, that slowly we will find a way to manage our loss and to learn to live again.

It can't be hurried of course, right now if you need to cry all day, that's the right thing to do. And perhaps take any return to work slowly. This is the most traumatic thing that has ever happened, you will need time to build up enough strength to cope with work and colleagues, even kind ones. Do keep posting... everyone on this site understands and that's a massive comfort.

Hugs xxx

My heart goes out to you. I’ve been where you are too. So I know how unbearable the pain is

Whatever it is you feel you need to do to grieve do it. If you feel the need to lay in bed the whole day or watch Telly the whole day or take up a sport do it. If you want to scream do it. Most important is let yourself feel the pain and process it. 

You have been through a trauma that you feel physically and emotionally. Healing the trauma is a process that is different for all of us

Keep posting. It’s a way of releasing your emotions. Don’t be fearful of the pain. Embrace it, feel it and release it. Repeat until it wears off. And I promise you it will. 

Love and blessings to you

Thank you so much Wonderous for responding. It is good to communicate with people who have experienced the same and similar. I am sorry you had to experience this. I would not wish it on anyone.

I don't know anyone locally yet to chat too but I am hoping to be in touch with the hospice and hopefully they too can help me. I am so alone and lonely. 

I don't have children of my own. My husband has 4 from a previous marriage but they live in different counties to me and also have families of their own to concentrate on. They are lovely though and do keep in touch regularly.

I agree with your word destroyed - that is exactly what I am - in a bilion pieces. How am I to pick those pieces up - can't see it.

When I posted yesterday it was also my birthday - I received lots of cards from people who care about me but I sobbed and sobbed all day because the one gift I wanted wasn't possible.  It'a week today since the funeral too. OMG this life is so rotten isn't it.

Take great care of you. I am trying to do the same although so easy to slide.....

Hi Eleanor.  How kind for you to reply whilst going through such turmoil yourself albeit further down the line - must feel like yesterday though at times.

You mention the most traumatic thing that has ever happened - oh, how so right you are. I could never have imagined what it would be like.

We are told to be preared for death. Yes to an extent but once your most deeply loved husband has passed every other emotion surfaces - emotions you didn't know were there. It was bad enough when my very close parents died but this is on a different level.

It was my birthday yesterday too which for me compounded the grief a billion fold. Today was my mum''s birthday - I hope she and her son in law are together - she really liked him and was so glad that we got together.

I do appreciate these posts and take comfort knowing others are going through the same BUT wishing they (and me) weren't...

Take care of yourself xx

Hello Pam29. First, thank you for replying and secondly so sorry you too have ended up on here.

Yes trauma is right - strange but some people use words like trauma, overwhelming and devastated like confetti but until you experience death of a deeply deeply loved spouse then those words really come into their own.

I don't know how long it is since your dear one passed but am sending you hugs and strength because I have been told we all need this in bucketfuls.

 Courage is needed too but mine seems to be eluding me at the moment. However I know my darling husband had courage in spades to deal with this devil disease and it's consequences to the point where he tried not to talk it through with me in case he hurt me ! Such was the warm hearted man I married. He must have gone through torment just laying thinking but I am glad he did find courage to talk through some things which were very important to him. I want to do right by him.

Take care xx

You are a beautiful kind soul for replying with such compassion. Many blessings to you ❤️

I have been reading the blog for several weeks but first time on here.  I lost my husband five weeks ago on my birthday.  He was diagnosed with spine cancer six months ago.  We were told hopefully it could be "contained".  Scan were quite positive.  He had radiotherapy that after several weeks resulted in skin breaking down into absesses. He went into hospital, was frail but determined to fight.  We were told on the Wednesday that they were unable to stop infection spreading.  Thirty six hours later he passed away peacefully, talking to the nurses, he smiled and shut his eyes.  I didn't get there in time with my son.  The nurses handed a card he'd got them to buy.  It said to my very special -- I love and have always loved you so much.  Thank you for all you've done xx

I've coped with all the things I had to do. His celebration service was full.  I just don't want toleave the safety of my home.I am crying when I'm alone.I drove today for the first time to drop my son off and found myself going to the churchyard where my husband ashes will be interred next week on what would have been our48th wedding anniversary.  I cried.I know I have to try but I feel so lost

What a beautiful card and a peaceful death - but how desperately hard for you that you weren't able to be with him. I'm so sorry for all you are going through. Five weeks is no time at all and I'm not surprised you don't want to leave the house, or that you feel so lost and tearful. It would be strange if you felt otherwise. I don't think you have to try - I don't think you have to do anything except to grieve, in whatever way your heart takes you. Just let it be as my counsellor said to me, cry, sleep, shut out the world, yell, cry some more. And if people can help, please let them in, tell them what you need or don't need. This terrible anguish will lessen in time but there's no way of speeding things up. 

Sending you love and sympathy and empathy.

Hugs xxx