Guilty

Nathan24, I am so sorry to hear about the very stressful and concerning situation your family is experiencing.  You must all be devastated and at the same time still parenting you son who needs you.

Over the last few decades many researchers have tried to find a link between stress and subsequent cancer and there does not seem to be a provable link.   There are many other known causes for cancer including genetic and environmental factors and it has been around for millenia. Even dinosaurs that lived around 70+ million years ago had cancer.

You are searching for an explanation for why this has happened to your otherwise fit and healthy wife so as to make sense of her sudden and unexpected deterioration.  Guilt and self-blame are a natural response but it does not seem at all likely that anything you did caused your wife's cancer.

If these uncomfortable feelings continue to be an additional burden on top of the current situation it may be helpful to seek some professional support with a counsellor or psychotherapist who is experienced in working with individuals and families whose lives are affected by cancer.  Nobody can make your situation better but it can be helpful to have someone to talk to and say the things that can not easily be said elsewhere.

My partner died 2 years ago from gall bladder cancer after being ill for only 7 weeks.  Those weeks were very difficult and the loss of him in my life continues to be incredibly painful but I am grateful that I had this lovely, special person in my life for almost 3 decades and I make time to linger over my memories of the many wonderful times we shared.

Take care and accept the help of those who offer it, Christine

Thanks for you reply Christine, I’m sorry to hear about your partner. It’s such a horrible disease I’m still in shock how this has all happened. I’m going to see someone and talk to them about this as I can’t stop thinking if only I done this if only I done that. we had a lovely relationship now feeling like my life is torn apart

Hi Nathan great post from Christine.Im sorry to read about Karen. How is she doing today?

I think guilt is one of the hardest emotions to manage in these circumstances. Guilt that you didnt fight harder, or do enough, or that you went out at the wrong moment, or that you did something that contributed in some way. Your drink driving isnt likely to be connected to the cancer, maybe the cancer was already there before that event, sadly you will never know. 

My husband died in October after a fairly short battle with a very aggressive sarcoma. There are many things I go over and over in my mind. Like not being there when he died. As you have said, you are seeking support, can the hospice help there? I am still waiting for counselling. Yes your life is and will be torn apart, this is the price we pay for the depth of our love, yes cliche it is, but also true. 

Talk here, we are a good bunch who get it.

If you can just share memories together even if she cant speak, hopefully she can hear, give lots of hugs and keep your son close, he will be processing all this too, but remember, its OK to cry. X

I’m sorry to hear about your husband, thoughts are with you.

Ive been doing a lot of thinking and crying lately all the time tbh. Yeh I talk to her a lot in the hospice. On a positive side we’ve spent a lot of time together over the last few months and it’s been quality time and even had some good laffs. She is so brave and truly inspiring. 

hopefully the councillor will ring today and I can get going. As you say it’s good to talk on here. 

thanks sending lots of love ️ 

Nathan24, It is lovely that you can send appreciation and hearts to others who have reached out to you here when a lot of your energy must be taken with other important and pressing things.  Remaining connected to others is incredibly important when things are tough.

During my partner's sudden and short illness I found support from people that I didn't know particularly well and not so much support from some people who I knew well.

Some people can be surprisingly forthcoming with care and concern and others can't manage bearing witness to our difficult situation and distress - I accepted help when it was offered.  I hope the friends and acquaintances who have kept their distance will be able to be closer sometime in the future and I treasure my new friends and acquaintances.

I especially treasure the last few weeks with my partner.  This last journey was a difficult journey but I felt privileged to be able to accompany him and I kept him comfortable and dignified.  I cared for him myself until the last 15 hours of his life when he want to the hospice and felt safe enough to leave me and others behind.

Painful as though it is accompanying someone on their final journey these words from a poem are true - "Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all."  (Tennyson)