So Angry with myself

I went home from the hospital to get Nick's things and some sleep and a shower.  We'd been in a&e 24 hours and they'd only just found him a bed.   I shouldn't have left him.  The nurse called me at 9am to say to come up ASAP.   When I got there his breathing was so laboured and he was on full oxygen.  The Dr said there was nothing else they could do.  I feel so guilty I left him.  Why did I do that.

But we do what we think is ok at the time.  And you left your wife with her mum.  She'd have known she, you and your family and her mum were safe.

You are so early in grief your head will be swimming with everything.   Big decisions can wait a while.  Just do one thing at a time.

Sending love

DVE1958

Quite a while ago I volunteered in cancer support for around 15 years and I notice that it often happened that someone died after a close person left for a short time and other people have said this too.  It makes me wonder whether some people choose to let go when the person isn't there.

You left your wife with her mum because you trusted that her mum would be there for her.  Your wife's mum created your wife's life and brought her into the world and was able to help her to let go of her life.  Maybe your wife somehow chose it to be so.  I am sure your wife was not angry that you left.

I expect you were exhausted and needed to sleep and I am sure your wife would have wanted you to sleep if you were exhausted.  Now you are left with all sorts of feelings including angry feelings and it is a really hard place to be.  Underneath those angry feelings you probably feel devastated.  As you said, grief is shit - and it really is.  It is also not the best time to be making decisions.  Big decisions should be made from a calm, thoughtful, reflective space.

Your kids have lost their mum and they need you to be maintaining some sort of order during your shared bereavement, each of you with your own particular relationship with your wife / their mother.  It is tough being the adult in such a situation but right now you are the most important person in your children's lives.

Take care of yourself and your children in the best way you can and let others in if they offer help.  

I forgot to say in my previous post that my partner was in the hospice for the last 15 hours of his life at his request.  I nursed him at home before that.

The hospice doctor rang me after she met him when he arrived at the hospice and told me she thought he probably wouldn't live more than a fortnight and she would meet both of use the next morning at 10am.

I visited my partner in the evening for a couple of hours and he woke from sleep a few times and looked at me.  I was absolutely exhausted from caring for him for the previous few weeks and during the last 3 days I had almost no sleep.  I told him I was exhausted would go home to sleep unless he gave me a sign that he wanted me to stay.  I asked him 3 times and he gave me no sign so I said I'll be back in the morning as we are both seeing the doctor at 10am.

I fell into the deepest sleep and was woken up when the hospice rang at 8.30 in the morning and told me he had just died.  It is hard that he didn't wait until I arrived but I believe it must have been what he wanted.