Well my Mum is about to be 92 and her health has been dropping. I am having a couple of days to myself right now. I was supporting my mother alone this Christmas and New Year - my sister did not visit from Nov until next weekend - Mum's birthday. It was hard but we did manage to kind of connect better on Christmas Day. But quite a lot of the time I was tense as each time we went out I was worried she would fall or if I could cope with all the parking, sorting out the wheelchair, making sure she had what she needed. I also did the care role - her morning and evening carers often did not come and they were cancelled for Christmas Day and Boxing Day.
Well the thing is my brother died of cancer - aged 64 in Feb 23 and last year I did quite a lot of symbolic things coming to terms with it as there was no goodbye for me or my sister or mother. Only his wife was there and my brother only told us he had stage 4 - four weeks before he died - and we didn't see him. I just spoke to him once on the phone for 20 min after he told us he had stage 4. The last two weeks about he was in hospital anyway and his wife didn't let us speak on the phone or visit. So it has been hard. There was no goodbye and I have tried other ways of saying goodbye and had some kinds of trauma therapy to be honest. I also tried to drive to see him with a twisted ankle and three months later had to have an operation on it and in a weightless boot for six weeks, all fine now after quite a few months of physio. So I come through it
Last year I did a walk for Cruse and I went on a mountain walk (As I also got breast cancer and this walk was for those who had been touched by cancer) and then I also wrote poems and I planted an anenome in his village over Xmas.
But now I have to be ready for my mother passing. And it comes up again that there was no proper farewell for my brother. Friends of his did organise a celebration of his life that my mother sister and I went to - in August 23 so that was something. My mother came with me when I planted the anenome.
So it is just sad I guess and I just thought I would share it. My efforst are really to find some kind of symbolic way some kind of metaphor that helps to catalyse the grief I guess.
Anyone else got ideas about good goodbyes ? I mean my mother could live another five years or just a few months I don't know and maybe because of the shock about my brother I also feel she has grief she has not been able to process - could not say Goodbye to my brother. I have walked by the sea and thinking of trying to get a bench for him as he loved sailing - to respect his life
I’m Anne, one of the Community Champions here on the Online Community, and I'm very sorry to read that your brother died a couple of years ago without you being able to say goodbye to him. That must have been very difficult for you, and I can understand why you want to see how others approach saying goodbye to a loved one with your mother being very ill.
As you know, the online community is divided into different support groups so I'm going to recommend that you also join and post in the supporting someone with incurable cancer group where you can discuss things like how to say goodbye with others who have a loved one with an incurable diagnosis.
If this is something that you'd like to do, just click on the link I've created and, once you've joined, you can start a new post in the same way as you did here and join in with existing conversations by clicking on 'reply'.
Sending virtual ((hugs))
"Never regret a day in your life, good days give you happiness, bad days give you experience"
