I am not enough

Hi Michelle

Sorry to read about your husband. Its still so recent for you, have you even had the funeral yet?

Im just 11 weeks into this sh*t existence. I cry every day at the drop of a hat. Christmas is particularly difficult. You said you have adult children are they nearby and supporting you? Mine are not that near so I spend a lot of time on my own. You dont need to be strong for them, be honest and open about how you feel. You are all griving together, just in your own ways and your grief will inevitably be different from theirs.

Are you able to connect to any bereavement support? I joined a group that meets every couple of weeks. I have good neighbours and colleagues. Can you reach out to people, sometimes its just having company that helps. 

Just take one day at a time, baby steps, sleep and eat if you can, tackle basic jobs like washing up or admin, one bit at a time. Its all exhausting, especially crying.

I can also recommend Way up online forum for bereaved partners, everyone on there understands and they do online and real meet ups around the country. Sadly none where I live but you never know.

Do keep talking, it helps. We are a supportive bunch here.

Thank you so much for your reply, I am so sorry that you have also lost your husband, It is a horrible club to be in xxx

One of my older children lives with me and my little boy and we are sort of floating around each other in our bubbles of grief and occasionally we bump and cry.

Like you everything is making me cry, on the odd occasion I leave the house if anyone os nice to me I burst into tears. I dont want to eat, shower, or anything other than hide and cry.

The funeral was the 20th,  friends have moved on with their lives and are busy.

I almost feel angry that my husband had the easy bit by dying as being here and living feels so much harder.

Thank you so much for replying especially as you are going through this hell yourself.

I am so sorry to hear you have lost your husband Michelle Be60a8d after such a short illness.  Almost 2 years ago (2 years this coming April) I lost my lovely partner of 27 years only 7 weeks after he was diagnosed and I was his sole carer until the last few hours of his life when he went to the hospice.

Looking back, for the first 6 months I was in shock, not eating properly, not liking any noise, not really wanting to be with people, taking ages to get ready to leave the house, getting upset when something went wrong or needed fixing - all of which was quite out of character for me.

Then the next 6 months I was completely exhausted and would fall asleep suddenly at odd times - including a few times when a lovely friend was talking to me when we were on holiday.

For the whole, bleak year I had to make myself do the things that I knew would help me but it took a massive effort.  It would have been much easier to not do anything outside of my work and classes that I attend - and they did give a structure to my days and weeks which I now think helped me more than I realised at the time.

In October just gone, at around the 18 months mark I found a lot more energy and started doing much more around the house, listening to music again, watching films, finding it a little easier to want to leave the house and be with people and finding it a bit easier to fix problems as they arose.  So, it took me around 18 months to begin to feel anything like my normal self and even then I am not sure I am completely my normal self as my partner is gone.

Since my partner died I have done many small special things most days that enable me to feel connected to him and that helps but the loss of his presence and companionship are really hard.  I have always been able to appreciate the support I have been offered and it has sometimes come from unexpected acquaintances and not always from close friends which surprised me but not everyone can help those who are grieving.

I have explained the stages that I have gone through although your process may be different to mine.  Grief is very personal and not predictable.  The journey is a long and difficult one so you will just need to manage each stage as best you can and not expect too much of yourself.

I am not sure you need to be strong for your little boy - he just needs to know that you love him very much and that you are sad right now and the situation is very difficult for both of you in different ways and one day, some time, you will both be able to manage a bit better.

Sending you warm thoughts, Christine