I lost my Mum on Wednesday

Hello Swanlake1,

I am so sorry to hear about your Mum and really feel for your loss.

Sadly I lost my Partner of 21 years Roger on September 10th to liver cancer. It was all so sudden after being diagnosed on 15th August. Prior to this we had been to the GP who prescribed antihistamines, then a few days later A & E who prescribed antibiotics for kidney infection. It was neither and on the third visit to A & E Roger was kept in, but only lasted another week in hospital he didn't even get on to the cancer ward, as he was between the General and Oncology departments. How I wish he had gone to the Doctor sooner, could have had started treatment......

As well as my grief, there is anger at the GP, hospital, myself - could I have done more, why did I not know? It has all been a blur for awhile. There was so much paperwork to deal with and I'm still trying to sort his private pension out.

Everything feels like a battle and the person you need to speak to is no longer here. Like you, Roger had just turned 65 and I am 58. At times, I have felt like my life is over, but we have a our wonderful Son who is 20 and I have to go on for him. Your Mum would have wanted you to continue your studies, like my Roger would want our Son to continue with his. I feel like we have been robbed, all our plans for next year etc.

Twelve weeks on, I am having counselling. I cry pretty much all the time, but has time goes on the gaps are wider. It is important to speak to friends and family. It is also important to cry and to make time for yourself. I am not afraid to say if I don't feel like going out etc. I now embrace the days when I feel better, but each day is different and you have to go along with it. Forums like this are brilliant to share and I am happy to help in anyway I can. Do contact your GP and they can refer you for counselling if you so wish, it is helping me. I also write things down in a notebook which helps.

I hope this is helps and I will pop on again,

Hi Roly523c53,

Thank you for your reply. I'm so sorry to hear about Roger.

It must be so frustrating that you tried to get help but he didn't get the help he needed on time. It's so hard to believe that it can all happen and be over so quickly.

I'm lucky that my dad is dealing with paperwork etc. I just don't know how I can cope with planning a funeral for mum, I know it is going to be difficult.

Yes, I know that all my mum wants is for me to be happy, but I feel like I don't want to be happy without her. I now own our family dog, I promised mum I would take care of her, so I will, and I think she will keep me going. 

The feeling of being robbed of time is so real. The fact that there is no reason or rationale for why they had to get this illness and go so quickly makes it so hard to process. 

I have cried when I can, but I am almost numb now. My dad and brother keep trying to stop me from crying, but it needs to happen, I know they don't like seeing me upset but I want them to just let me be sad and do it my way. This is where I miss mum the most, she knew me best and she supports me the best way, the boys don't have the same understanding. 

I am waiting to start counselling with the hospice so hopefully that will get going soon. My mum expressed to them how worried she was about me while she was there, so think that sped things up a bit. 

Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I hope things improve for both you and your son.

Hello Swanlake1,

Thank you for your kind words.

Roger was one of life's true gentleman in every sense of the word.

I completely understand how you must feeling about your Mum. I nursed my Mum through cancer back in 2011 and felt totally lost afterwards for a long time. 

I am glad you are going to get counselling, the lady I had after my Mum passed was brilliant. With the counselling I am having now, I had to change over to a hospice which was better, as they understood what I was experiencing.

It is such a difficult time for you all and at times with your Dad and Brother probably like walking on eggshells. My Son is the same and doesn't feel comfortable when I cry. If I feel emotional, I just go upstairs or to another room. I try to be brave and strong but it is so so hard! My advice is go with your emotions, it is so raw, with a lot to take in and process.

I hope you have some support, whether it be friends or other family members. I have learnt over the last few weeks who my friends are. Thankfully some are still there supporting, others are kind of fading, there but not there if you get what I mean. Good friends will always be there.

I wish you the very best and do reach out when ever you feel like it