Hello,
I'm new to this, but reading people's experiences has helped me a bit over the past month.
In 2010 my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer, she took all the treatment she could to get rid of it, and it did go away, for over 10 years so we thought she was in the clear. It was a shock to find out it was back and stage 4 in August 2024.
She was on oral chemotherapy, and she seemed very well for about a year. Around 3 months ago she started to be sick though, we thought it was a stomach bug, but it continued for two months.
Long story short, the past month she was in and out of hospital but we were given very little information and mixed messages. Two weeks ago her oncologist said there was nothing more they could do for the cancer and moved her to palliative care. She quickly deteriorated and got into a hospice on Saturday. She passed away on Wednesday morning.
I really can't believe this has happened. I am in shock. I really can't believe she is gone. She is my best friend, she is everything to me. I thought she'd have much longer as the cancer was managed and still stable in August. Part of me still thought it wouldn't happen and that she'd be ok.
The next day I was having to make funeral arrangements for her, they plan to get it done before Christmas, it all feels so rushed to me. How can I choose what clothes to dress her in, and all these other decisions that have to be made. I feel like everything is going to change and I can't bare it.
Everything is so overwhelming. Coming to terms with the stress of taking care of mum, and seeing her get weaker so quickly. Wishing I did more, as I did not know what to do at the time. Then also coming to terms with the fact she's now gone, and understanding how this all happened so quickly. And coping with watching her take her last breaths, I was the only member of the family there when it happened, I have no one to talk about it with.
I'm 26 and Mum had just had her 60th birthday, I just feel like we deserved so much more time together. Had I known time was this limited I would have dropped my studies away from home and come home to spend time with her, I thought there would be more warning.
I know I have to appreciate the fact she survived the first round of cancer, I know others aren't so lucky, but I thought that Mum had done her bit, faced her battle and won, and be able to live to an old age, but no, turns out it was borrowed time.
I can't believe this is my life now, the thought of living without her is so scary. I'd do anything to bring her back, it all feels like a bad dream, I hate waking up and realising it is real. My heart is broken.
Sorry for the essay.
I know nothing can make this better. I suppose I want to reach out to anyone who has had a similar experience, and whether they managed to come to terms with it all.
