I’m struggling over the loss of my mum.
In October, November 2024 my mum was active, walking daily, doing Zumba classes and dancing the night away at my brothers wedding in late October.
mum first developed symptoms in December 24, then was diagnosed with bowel cancer with extensive spread and emergency surgery in Feb 2025. She’d had a normal colonoscopy in Feb 24, which was only done due to slight anaemia, noticed when she gave blood and blood in her stools, but said to be polyps and diverticulitis.
Mum had a stoma following her surgery, which she managed well. But she declined rapidly, developing breathing difficulties due to lung tumours, fibrosis and fluid, so went from dancing and active to unable to walk a few steps within a few months.
Mum was recommended palliative chemo but declined this due to the side effects. She was referred for palliative care, which I had hoped would co-ordinate her care and help give her symptom relief, as well as identify when she might need increased care / hospice. However a few days before she died mum was called by palliative care team but she declined their input as she told them she ‘was fine’.
The day before mum passed away the Gp called her and prescribed the anticipatory medications. No discussion was made with her family regarding this, or the plans. Mum said she had a ‘conversation she didn’t like regarding timescales’. I was registered as able to speak on my mums behalf with the GP and we had asked ( with my mums permission) for myself and my brother to be contacted when any discussions regarding her care were made. I am upset that the GP knew mum had declined palliative care but had still discussed the end of life with mum, on the phone, without family.
mum passed away on Saturday morning. She didn’t fully wake after sleeping. I was with her as her heart stopped and she went at home, knowing how loved she was. Mums passing was how she wanted it, but I am struggling with how quick it all was from diagnosis to the end as well as having no support at the end. We thought she still had some time and the oncologists did not suggest it was so imminent.
Mum never liked to ‘be a bother’ and I’m guessing there was a lot she kept quiet. But going from a diagnosis of a probable tummy bug in January to end of life discussions in April has been a massive shock x
Hi there,
I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through such a heartbreaking and shocking loss. Reading your post, I could feel how deeply loved your mum was and how tightly this all unfolded—it’s no wonder you're struggling to make sense of it. To go from dancing at your brother’s wedding to her passing in just a few months must feel surreal, and the pace of everything would be disorienting for anyone.
It sounds like your mum was a remarkable woman—strong, independent, and stoic even in the face of such a devastating diagnosis. Sometimes the people we love most try to protect us from the full reality of what they’re going through, and while we understand that comes from love, it can leave us with so many painful questions and “what ifs.”
You did everything right—you were there, you honoured her wishes, and she passed knowing she was deeply loved. But that doesn’t make the shock or the sadness any less real. The lack of communication from the palliative care team and GP adds a whole other layer of grief, and you have every right to feel upset about that. When families aren’t included as promised, it leaves us feeling helpless and out of the loop at the most critical moments.
Please try to be gentle with yourself. The speed of her decline doesn’t mean you failed in any way—it just means this illness took a brutal course, and your mum did what many of our loved ones do: she tried to stay strong and not “be a bother.” That’s such a generational instinct, and while we can understand it, it still hurts deeply to be kept in the dark.
You gave her love. You gave her presence. You gave her a peaceful goodbye at home, and that is a gift beyond words.
I’m holding space for your grief, and I hope you continue to reach out here. You are not alone in this.
With warmth and heartfelt sympathy,
Butterfly Resilience 
