Our mum died 5 weeks ago due to kidney cancer. My sister and mum lived together - always had - in rented accommodation. The last ten years my sister although working became a carer for my mum. After my mums death, my sister can't afford to stay on in the house and doesn't want to as its got too many memories.
I've offered to pay her rent for two years whilst she gets sorted but she's refused saying she doesn't want my help. My mum and dad were divorced, but my dad has offered for my sister to live with him. They went away together last week and argued the whole time. She says she can't to it. She also says she thibking of giving up her job.
I don't know how to help her as well as dealing with my own grief. I've offered counselling to which she's said no to, she's distanced herself from her friends and any advice I offer sends her into a rage. Any advice is greatly appreciated. I'm worried she is spiralling.
Hi there,
I'm really sorry you’re going through this—grieving your mum while also trying to hold your sister up sounds incredibly heavy. You clearly care so deeply for her, and it’s heartbreaking when every offer of support seems to be met with resistance, or even anger. That’s such a difficult position to be in.
Grief shows up differently for all of us, and it sounds like your sister is drowning in hers right now. Losing someone she lived with and cared for so closely—especially after years of being a carer—can leave a person completely unmoored. She may be feeling not only grief, but also a loss of identity, routine, and even purpose. It’s not unusual for people in her situation to pull away, lash out, or reject help—they may feel overwhelmed, ashamed, or afraid of facing life without their loved one.
What you’re offering—both emotionally and practically—is incredibly generous. And even though she’s pushing you away, I truly believe some part of her does register your love. Right now, it might help to just keep the door open in quiet ways: gentle texts, reminders that you’re here whenever she’s ready, no pressure. It may not change things overnight, but it gives her a lifeline she can reach for when she’s ready.
And please don’t forget yourself in all of this. You're grieving too. It’s okay to step back a little when things get overwhelming. Sometimes the best we can do is love someone from a bit of distance until they're ready to meet us halfway.
You’re doing your best in an impossible situation—and that matters more than you know.
With care and strength,
Butterfly Resilience 
