I stayed next to my mom all night the night she died, this February. I only drifted off to sleep for a short period and during that time she died. I can’t fall asleep now. I get anxious and when my breathing slows as it reminds me of waiting next to her when she was struggling to breathe. She had triple negative breast cancer which had gone to her lungs. I had flown from the U.K. to the USA to be with her. We thought we had more time. I only had 11 hours with her. I’m completely devastated. I only recently turned 34. She had only recently turned 67. We were besties. We travelled together, always went out to sushi together, went shopping together, and so on. We had so much more we wanted to do. She was so young at heart and full of life.
I tried sleeping pills but it kind of freaks me out taking them. It’s odd, falling asleep from medication. I don’t know what to do.
Hi GrievingMyMom
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mom.
You can take great comfort from knowing that you with her for those last hours before she passed. This would have made her passing more peaceful knowing that you were there. Quite often people only pass when they know someone beside them has fallen asleep or popped to the toilet. This is to avoid so much more pain for the loved ones who would witness it.
We all grieve in our own way and at our own speed so don't worry about how you are progressing along the journey. Your fear of sleeping is a perfectly natural reaction similar to people becoming scared of cars / trains after being in an accident. This is your brain trying to protect you and will gradually overcome this. Before going to bed talk to your mom as she will always be there to guide, support and comfort you. Ask her to comfort you, make you feel relaxed and watch over you during the night so that you can get a good nights sleep. Put some of your moms favourite flowers in your room including lavender and the scents will help you to relax.
When you talk to your mom, anywhere and anytime, ask her to give you a sign that she is near. You have to learn to open yourself to recognise these signs. You may find a white feather unexpectedly, feel a breath of wind on a totally still day, visiting the park a wild bird may come exceptionally close, smelling your moms favourite perfume. There are many different signs and you need to recognise these as not just coincidences.
Try writing down all your feelings - you can use what ever words you like and then destroy them afterwards. The act of writing will be enough to help release some of your emotions. You could keep your writings and use these in the future to look back on to see how you coped with a situation and use the same strategy again. You could include stories from your own childhood, stories your mom told you of her childhood, ask relatives and your moms friends to share stories. You must include happy and sad stories to give a balance and lots of photos. The pain of grief never goes away but over time you will learn coping methods how to handle each situation and looking back on your writings will help you through this.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
