Hi
I find this very strange to write, as I've avoided saying it but my mammy passed away 4 weeks ago tonight.
She died after a 2 and a half years battle with non small cell lung cancer. I live in the UK while my family are all in Ireland. I was extremely lucky to have a work place who supported me and I was able to spend the last 2 weeks with her.
She recieved the best care from our local hospice and at the time we got so much support from family and friends.
Now I am back in the UK and along with sadness I feel a sense of loneliness. All the messages of support have stopped, and everything seems to carry on as normal.
My family who are grieving, I feel use me as their support, and I am used to fill the void of my mam. But there is no one to support me, I feel forgotten.
My friends in the UK offer support by saying if I need anything let them know, but I wish someone would just message me and ask how I am or offer to meet up.
I'm not sure what my aim is to get from this but maybe it will help to just put it down.
Hi Daughterabroad
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mam.
You can take great comfort from knowing that you were with her for the last two weeks. This would also have given her great comfort and peace of mind.
You have made a start by posting here. Writing is one of the best ways to get things out of your system. You can write down whatever you're feeling using any words you like. When finished you can destroy it if you want but the act of writing it down will have helped. You could also, with or without the help of others, start compiling a memory book about your mam. Record stories from your childhood, stories she told you of her childhood, include happy and sad stories to give a balance, include lots of photos. you can keep this for future reference in case you forget some things.
Also, write down all your emotions about your grief, what triggers them and how you cope with these. Any future emotions can be dealt with easier by reviewing this and following the same strategy to cope. Over time you will learn thses startegies and they will happen automatically. The pain never goes away but learning coping strategies helps to ease the hurt the pain causes.
Remember we all gieve in our own ways and at our own speed so there are no rights or wrongs. Be firmer with family but delicate to say you can't help sometimes as you are going through the same. Never hide your emotions even in public. In the supermarket you can pop to the toilet for five minutes if needed. I know it's not as easy for you here in the UK but if you can't visit any of your mums favourite places often buy some of her favourite flowers for your garden / window box.
Your mum will always be around you to guide, support and comfort you. Talk to her where and when ever you want and be honest with your feelings. Relax and open yourself to accept any signs she sends to know she is listening - smell her favourite perfume, finding an unexpected white feather, radio / tv re tuning to her favourite, feeling a breath of wind on a perfectly still day, wild birds coming extremely close. When a sign happens just say hello and thank her for still being there to help.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
