Really struggling with the grief of losing my wonderful dad.
I just don't know how i'm going to manage without him. My poor mum is devestated and i don't know how to help her.
His final days in the hospital were quite traumatic and will stick with me forever. His care was just awful. Only one nurse showed him kindness and respect. He died on a random ward packed with other patients, with no real palliative care and for first night was in visable pain and was very distressed. He was never a priority to anyone and was just left for hours. It was very hard to watch and i'm so angry he didn't get the care he should have in his last days. It's made an already difficult and sad situation much harder.
I'm having nightmares of how he was in pain and just so sad he's gone
Hi Jenny90
I am so sorry to hear that you have lost your Dad.
It is understandable that you feel you are struggling and want to help Mum also. It must have been very difficult to go through his last days in hospital and to feel that he did not have the palliative care that you would have wished for and that he deserved. I feel thankful for you that he had the care of that one particular nurse and I am sure the kindness and respect she showed will be of some small comfort to you.
I find that nightmares can happen at distressing times in life and it can be a way of starting to work through and to start to come to terms with what has happened. In nightmares sometimes its the things that we are most worried about. Nightmares are really hard to go through. Lack of quality sleep is really hard to cope with and if it continues it may be an idea to speak to your own GP- there may be something they can offer for the short term to get you into a more regular pattern which in time could help you cope better with everything you are facing.
When we lost Mum, we went through a big range of emotions and we as a family, all had different reactions at different time. It is all to be expected. I personally had a time where I just felt numb and as if I was just going through the motions. I then felt a stage of really intense sadness and also some anger that this had all happened. I also felt guilt that I could not have done more. What I learnt is that these are all normal stages in grief. It does not make it easier or less painful but it helps a bit to understand.
What helped us was talking but in stages and bit by bit. Sometimes it helps to talk to those outside of the situation and I can recommend giving the Support Line a call if it would help. Routines helped in the initial days- simple things like looking after children, the school run, popping to the shops and sticking to meal times and bed times etc. But with how we were feeling, the best thing really was to go with the flow emotionally and accept there would be lots of different feelings. Sometimes a good cry was healing in itself.
I found Cruse really helpful.
Home - Cruse Bereavement Support
I will pop a link here with some info on the ways Macmillan can support you and I hope you find them helpful.
Coping with bereavement and cancer | Macmillan Cancer Support
I hope this helps a little. I understand that this is a really difficult time for you. Sometimes the simple things can help, even just popping the kettle on and having a chat with Mum may help.
Please do not feel alone in this. We are here if you need us and if there is anything you need to ask or want to talk about, please do so.
Jane
