So - I lost my Dad to cancer in 2014. My Mum first had cancer in lockdown and then it returned at the end of last year. I supported her throughout everything and she passed away in January at our local hospice. Her funeral was on Tuesday and it was just perfect. I had been so busy with making sure everything was in place for the day. I felt an enormous relief afterwards. Now I need to try and get my head around what has happened and find a new normal. Mum was a massive part of my life, particularly since I lost Dad. I did lots to help her. People keep telling me I now need to use the time I have, for me! Not something I find easy to be honest. There is still a lot to sort out as I have no siblings. I don’t really know how I feel at the moment really. I have lots of good friends and family around me and will have bereavement support in the coming weeks and months from the hospice. I am reaching out more than I did when I lost my Dad so am hoping that will help me to navigate this new normal. Much love to you all x
Hi Orange Lily
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the recent loss of your mum and the loss of your dad.
What you are experiencing is perfectly normal because there seems to be so much to arrange and do following a passing. However, many things are not as important as they appear such as getting rid of clothes which can be done anytime. Your mum will always be there with you to guide, support and comfort you. Talk to her and ask her to guide you on what steps to take. You will need to open yourself up for any signs she may send such as smelling her favourite perfume, radio / tv channels changing. Ask her to guide you through sorting everything out before you go to bed and in the morning you may find something such as car tax renewal on the top of the pile. This will be your mums way of letting you know that she wants that done first.
We all grieve in our own different way and at our own speed so don't compare yourself to others and don't feel pressured to do anything to resolve things such as sign off on a document which you need to read first. Have breaks from sorting things by going to your mums favourite spot at a local park, sit on a bench and talk to her and open yourself to signs. You may feel a breath of wind on a totally calm day or a wild bird may come extremely close to you. After each time thank your mum for listening and signs but remember the sign may not appear straight away. Never hide your emotions as this can make things worse long term. Wherever you are, if you need to shed tears just do so even if you have to pop to the toilet for a short time - even in a busy supermarket. Does your workplace have an HR department where you could talk to someone? Do you have a best friend you can talk to? Strangers are often better than relatives as they will just listen till you get everything out of your system then just give you a silent hug.
When you are ready you could try writing your emotions down. What triggers these emotions and what did you do to help manage them. If you keep these writings you can look back and use the same methods again. The pain never goes but your brain will learn coping methods to help you deal with things easier. You could extend these writings by writing about your mum including stories from your childhood, stories she told you of her childhood, lots of photos, possible input from relatives and your mums friends. The stories must be both happy and sad to give true balance. You don't have to keep anywriting but the process will help you to get things out your system.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
