I lost my dad to oesophageal cancer in August 2023. That was difficult and traumatic but he had a clear care path, was able to stay at home until the final week in the hospice, and got the best support throughout his illness I think he could have had. I lost my mum in October just gone in very different circumstances, when she picked up a nasty bug (C Difficile) in hospital after being admitted for fractured ribs in a fall at home. She was just about to move to live with me. I cannot stop blaming myself for my mum going into hospital. The doctor suggested she ‘get looked over’ in A&E. I wish I’d never taken her. She had the most terrible time on the general ward in isolation, with all kinds of complications for nearly 7 weeks. There was no real care on the ward. It was dreadful. I can’t stop thinking how I failed her, unable to get her out. We tried and tried to get her to a nursing home, back home, anywhere but that godforsaken ward. Heaven help any elderly people sent to general or elderly wards. She only got out when she eventually developed pneumonia and was moved to the respiratory specialist ward. There she was almost immediately put on end of life care. Then she had amazing attention, but it was too late. It feels like a dream that she is gone, as well as my lovely dad. She had such a good life still to live. I keep thinking I should have moved her to me sooner. I can’t stop thinking that I should have been able to do better for her. I don’t know how to get out of this doom cycle of crying, feeling destroyed and feeling such guilt too. I miss them both so much. I just want to turn back the clock.
