Losing my Dad, losing my faith

Hi clo89

Faith is such a personal thing so please don't feel that you need to be reassured that it's okay to lose your faith... I was brought up in a strict Christian household where a belief in heaven and going to a 'better life' was the norm. 

When my father (a minister) was first ill I remember him saying that, if he finds there's no heaven when he dies then he's going to feel a right idiot for spending his life believing.. I wanted for his sake to believe there was 'something' waiting for us... I sadly suspect he was disappointed when he passed away. Exactly one year later cancer also took my mother, testing my beliefs yet again.

I coped, comforted by the fact of knowing  my parents had lived their lives ...

Then, my husband was diagnosed with lung cancer, he suffered constantly through the most awful few months of sickness, as cancer rampaged through his body, stripping him of all dignity, reducing him to a painful shell of the man he had been! Cancer sadly won the battle.

I questioned and lost any remaining faith and I  continue to question how any god could allow such suffering to such a kind gentle young man.

I have many friends who totally believe in their various faiths and I respect their right to believe... But for me, I have lost faith, I have no anticipation of any heavenly home or any expectations that my loved ones will be waiting behind any pearly gates. 

Hugs to you x

Thank you for replying, I was having a bad night Saturday couldn’t sleep. I was thinking when I posted it I feel almost daft for believing it for so long in the first place. If we believe there is an after life for every human that’s lived that’s 117 billion souls somewhere! And then once I stopped believing in heaven it just seemed that the whole thing is just built on a lie. I can believe that Jesus existed and his teachings are good to live your life by, like love your neighbour etc but really I can’t pretend to still believe in the rest of it. I went to mass in January and can’t bring myself to go again. Thank you for responding so thoughtfully and helping me with my ramblings. 
I’m very sorry for your losses and hugs to you too. X