Son's Future Mother-in-Law Just Passed

Hi PattyK

Welcome to the community.  I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your husband and your sons' future mother-in-law but glad to hear your sister is recovering well.

It will be hard for your son but it will be the same for his partner who has lost her mum and future father-in-law.  Both will always be around to guide, support and comfort their loved ones.  They will always try to give signs that they are near - everyone has to open themselves to see and understand these signs.  Both your son and his partner have lost a parent and so can find common ground to comfort and support each other.  They need to be open with each other at all times to say what they are feeling and include your granddaughter to help her also.

Everyone needs to talk to the loved ones who have passed and ask them to support, comfort and guide you.  This may be easier if you are holding something precious from your loved one and / or visiting on of their favourite places.  Watch out for signs that they are near such as finding an unexpected white feather, radio / tv retuning, finding something that has been 'lost' for years or, if in a park, wild birds coming extremely close to you.

Everyone needs to remember that we all grieve in our own way and at our own speed - there are no rights or wrongs.  If one person needs to time alone then the other needs to respect this.  If one wants to cry or be angry the other can comfort or leave them to work it out own their own - this will happen with practice.  The pain of loss never goes away but the mind will develop its' own coping strategies to help you deal with each situation.  The mind will remember these so that if something similar happens again it will use the same strategy.  Always let your feelings be known and never bottle them up.  Even in a busy place you can weep silently or nip to the nearest toilet for a cry.  You can put plants in your garden which were the favourite of your loved one, or put them in the local park (with permission).

A good way to ease your emotions is to write them done.  This can be done alone or as a family.  The notes can be destroyed soon after as the actuall writing will have helped to get emotions out.  They could be combined with lots of photos, stories from family and friend and made into a memory book.  This could be especially useful for your granddaughter for her future reference.  Always include happy and sad stories to give a balanced picture of their life.

If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat.  You can use this link your area to find support near where you live.  This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential. 

Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.

There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.

This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back.  This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.

This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.

Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -

Death is nothing at all.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

I am I and you are you.

Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.

Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.

Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around

the corner .......

All is well.

Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.

Thank you so much for your kind words David. Yes I do believe that loved ones who have passed do still try to make you believe they are close by and I have witnessed a few of these `coincidences`. One incident was a pair of reading glasses I thought I lost outside I was in my car and they fell out of my pocket while I was getting out of the car and couldn't find them so assumed they had fallen on the road and were lost forever. I was using an old spare pair I had and then one day when I went to go out in the car again I opened the driver's door looked down and looking back up at me were the glasses I thought i'd lost they had I am assuming been lying under the driver's seat all those weeks whereas I thought they were lost. Another thing is I have a chain around my neck with one of those little charms you can put ashes into and I have some of Jay's (my late husband) ashes in it. A few times it has fallen off the chain but always in the house and not outside so I make a joke of when it happens and look at his picture and tell him to stop doing it and weirdly enough it hasn't happened since. Little incidentals like this I sometimes see it as a sign. Funny how they let you know they are close by. Some laugh it off as a coincidence but some like myself like to believe there is something in that. I have not been able to cry for my husband but feel it comes out in other ways. Sometimes I can get quite `sharp` with people which isn't me or I will go into a bad mood for something and nothing but just feel that is a way that the grief is coming out. I want to have a good cry but can't and as you said it could happen when I'm outside somewhere which would be inappropriate but again as you say find the nearest toilet in the supermarket or whatever. Bless you again for your kind words. My best wishes to you.

Vicky 

Hi Vicky

These 'coincidences' are a sign of the strong bond that was between those who passed and those still here.  There are two many of these events not to believe that something / someone is there helping.  Another example is suddenly changing your mind about something and the new result leads you to learn something - ie watch a film tonight but change to something else at the last minute and you might see something on a programme that makes you think 'I should contact them / I should try that'  This is because the person who has passed is guiding you in the right direction to ease your pain.

Your snappiness, anger and inability to cry are perfectly normal, see here  Is this normal? What is a normal way to grieve? (cruse.org.uk)   Your own brain knows what is best for you and when to do the right thing.  When it is time for you to cry your brain will allow this to happen but only when it feels you are mentally and physically strong enough.  It may happen in lots of small episodes or one huge one.  Sometimes, rather than family, you can ask an extremely close friend to be with you.  If they are a 'true' friend they will let you vent things out your system and have a good cry.  They will instinctively know what to say and do even if it is just to silently hold you tight.

Remember , small steps still complete the journey.  Sending you another hug and best wishes.

Hugs back at you David. For your wise words

Vicky x