Not coping without dad

Hello L2LXC 

I’m Steph from the Community team, I hope you don’t mind me posting here to offer some further support.

I was so sorry to hear about the loss of your dad and for the grief you’re going through. When you’ve lost someone so important in your life, it’s natural to go through all sorts of emotions. Some feelings may last a short time, while others go on for much longer. You will need to take things day by day and ask for further support when you need it.

Lots of people struggle to cope with grief for months after the loss of their loved one. You are not alone and there’s lots of support available for you.

I hope you’ve found it helpful to share your feelings here on the Community. By me replying here today, your post will be bumped up the forum so that more members will have the chance to see your post and reply if they feel able to.

It is positive that you’ve taken steps to connect with others going through a bereavement. Once you feel ready, you can read through other members experiences in the bereaved family and friends forum and join in some conversations, if you feel comfortable.

If you feel like you might benefit from further support, there’s lots of help available to you. Macmillan have some information to help you cope with some of the feelings or questions you may have.

If you’d like to talk anything through with someone who's there to listen, our Support Line teams are available 7 days a week, 8am-8pm on freephone 0808 808 00 00, email or live webchat.

‘Ataloss’ is a website that helps bereaved people find support and wellbeing.

Cruse provide bereavement support and are here to help, however long you have been grieving.

I hope this helps show that you’re not alone and that there is a lot of support available for you. Please do keep sharing your feelings on the Community and reach out for further support whenever you need it.

Please do get back in touch with us if you have any questions or need any help with the site. You can email us at community@macmillan.org.uk or send a private message (PM) to Moderator - Macmillan Community 

Best wishes

Hi

I'm sorry to read your post, but also feel some comfort as i can really relate to you, it could almost be me writing your post. My dad was 82 when he died on the 6th March and although he wasn't a golfer, he sounds very similar to your dad. He whistled constantly (drove my mum mad though) and never complained about anything despite operations and illnesses. He was always kind to everyone had a great sense of humour and we were very close. My mum is coping absolutely fine and is just getting on with her life whereas I have been totally devastated. Like you,  me and mum are not close, its more like we are polite to each other. People say I will get though it but thats not helpful as the 'it' is too terrible. We had 3 months to get used to the inevitable as he was bedbound for those months and in fact was not expected to live anywhere near as long as he did, so I thought as I was prepared,  it would make it easier, but it hasn't. Whenever I tell mum I'm sad, she just tells me to be glad he isn't suffering anymore. Of course this is what I think, but it doesn't seem to help how I feel at all, I thought it would do as i was desperate for his suffering to end. I went back to work the week after his funeral, not because I felt ready, but because I thought i would never feel ready and had to go back at some point. I find work distracting though and as I have to smile and look happy there, my brain is almost tricked into thinking im happy while I'm there. However when I'm not there, I'm just plodding on, passing time. I look forward to getting into bed at night as the day feels too hard. I feel like I'm carrying a huge weight around on my chest all day. I look back at my old self before he died and almost want to laugh at myself - I was always so busy doing things, but I don't know why, none of it seems to matter anymore. 

Oh Djcm..... I really feel what you're going through.  I always knew losing my dad would break me and it has.  Like you I feel a huge void in my life and I experience constricted, sore chest pain which I assume is my grief manifesting itself physically.  It is always there and I don't feel excited about anything - I'm existing.

I can't talk to my mum.  I know she's struggling but any conversation we have will be flipped right round and will end up her talking about her grief so I say nothing.  My stock answer is good days and bad days when i'm asked how I am by mum.  Truth is I am lost in sadness and very, very angry. 

My partners parents are 85 and 87 and still with us and I feel angry they're still here and my dad is not.  Totally irrational and so horrible of me I know but It's how I feel.  I can't visit them as I am too angry.  I spoke to my partner and told him how I feel and apologised as I mean no ill-will towards his parents but I just can't cope with certain situations / people just now.

It really helped me to read your post.  Thank you for getting in touch.  My thoughts are with you and I am sending you a virtual hug.

It's such a difficult thing losing someone you love and your poor mum must feel lost, losing her life partner. Sad times.

Yes mum probably does feel lost, shes maybe hiding it well, just wish she wasn't always so upbeat and cheery and occasionally would let me know she is feeling sad. This would make it easier for me to tell her how I am feeling. 

Maybe this is your mums coping mechanism.  I would imagine this is ok for a little while but it must surely catch up with her eventually. 

Alternatively, perhaps she is upset behind closed doors and feels she needs to be strong and not let people see her real feelings?  If you don't have the best relationship with her she maybe doesn't want to let you know inwardly she's upset.