My mum's gone

I'm so sorry. I've been following your journey over the last few weeks on here and it has sounded so stressful for both you and your mum. She is at peace now. I am on the same journey as you with my own mum. Take comfort in that she is no longer suffering and that you were with her, by her side, when she needed you most.

Hi thank you so much. It been a very cruel journey and i have wanted to post about it so other people can understand I went into this blank with nothing and I don't want other people to be the same because it's not easy and peaceful as they say so if my journey can help anyone I'm more than willing to give any advice or just a chat. She is peaceful now and I am unbelievably glad of that I'm not sad yet that she's gone because I'm glad she is now out of pain I'm just so sad the journey to there was just so painful. Thank you and I'm so sorry your going through it as well I hate it that anybody is feeling the way I do xxx

Hi Darling, 

I too have joined this forum in despair. I'm so so sorry to hear about your Mum, she is at peace now. We seem to have gone through this together, I'm sending a massive hug. 

My Dad passed early hours of Easter Sunday, I was with him for 99% of his journey apart from missing his passing which was unexpected at that moment (nurses had no indication, none of the usual signs that it was approaching so fast). The hospice did not have time to call us in, I'm assured they thought it was pain free and it was fast and he was not alone, but with a staff member. His death was described to me by the staff and it appeared fast, but I can't help wondering if he was scared or in pain, I will never know. I feel like I want to know, what good it will do I don't know.

I was with him Saturday day and it was the worst day ever. I'm filled with horror. My Dad was repeatedly vomiting. I had to call for the nurses who took around 15 minutes to attend. My Dad told me he had been washed twice in 6 days and not had his teeth brushed for 3 days, of course I assisted him with this (he hadn't mentioned this before). My Dad had deteriorated so fast, he was a strong, proud man. I can't help feeling I have let him down, I thought he was in a place where he was being cared for, I don't even have the energy to complain. I came away Saturday distraught and said to my husband "I don't know how long I can go on visiting and witnessing how poorly he is". He was working and mobile 6 weeks ago, I can't believe what this illness had done to him and what he had become.

When he passed and I was notified, I was numb with a small sense of relief he was out of this horror film, which is what he wanted. Now three days later, I cannot get the last images of him on out of my head, it's just there constantly. I keep thinking of how he had declined, the sickness etc, what I witnessed. My strong Dad was reduced to a withering, incapacitated, frail man. My Dad was fully mentally with it till the end which feels worse, although we had some lovely moments together, the horror memories are overtaking the nice memories. I want it to be erased out of my mind, I want to remember him for how he was before the diagnosis, but it won't go away. I miss him terribly, but in no way would want him back suffering how he did. I don't know what to do or how I should feel. I just can't believe it all happened. 

I'm so so sorry for your loss and I truly understand how this can affect us. I hope its true time is a healer for all of us xxxx

Hi I am so sorry you had to go through this as well I wouldn't want anyone to be where I am today. I'm so heart broke. At the care your dad received that's awful I kept mam at home till the end and they were fantastic I used to wash her everyday untill the last week and Marie curie come in to help the nurses gp everyone was great my mum was the same 6 weeks ago she was walking talking then for 6 weeks it just went down hill my.mother had already lost 10 stone by time she was diagnosed so she was frail and weak but the last 6 weeks she become very withdrawn in her face and the breathing towards the end I will never get the sound out of my head I am traumatised I really am by the memories of her in my mind it was just cruel to leave someone alive like this. I am the same I wouldn't in a million years want her back the way she was she suffered a cruel and long horrible death it wasn't calm it wasn't peaceful or dignified it was awful and I am absolutely broken by it. I'm so angry right now at cancer for taking my mother away so soon I can't even miss her yet. It's a cruel cruel way to go that will never leave me for as long as I live. Thank you for your response I really do take some comfort in speaking to people who get what I'm going through. I just hope I can heal and not have serious mental health issues after this because right now it's like I have PTSD 

I’m with you darling34. I feel the same. I flit from raging anger to sadness. I want him here but as before. I’m tired of crying.. this last 6 months has been the worst thing I have ever gone through. 

Take comfort in knowing you cared for your mum as best you could (my hands were tied with this). You should be proud. I don’t how we navigate through this.. but I guess it’s just time. I’ve even researched EMDR therapy in an attempt to erase the awful flashbacks I’m having. It’s just horrendous. I feel angry for allowing them to live like this. My dad talked about taking his own life before he was incapable of doing so.. and you know I understand it fully. It’s so cruel to them and to us as caregivers to allow this to continue. I’m left feeling lost.. broken.. sad.. guilty.. torn for wanting him back. I just can’t believe it all happened.. it’s like a dream.. but a bad one! 

You should be so proud of yourself and your mam. Unfortunately I’m left with a load of family dynamics which my resentment may mean I’ve lost my mom too.. but that’s for another day. I will put my dad first and allow myself to grieve. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I’m always around if it helps to offload.. I don’t think friends etc get it unless they have been through it. 

I really wish you well xx giving you a massive hug xx

Hi I feel exactly the same I am sick of feeling so sad always sad never had a nice day since last December always in survival mode my whole body feels tight it's been a hard year and it's not getting better any time soon I have accepted that.we should never ever allow people to live like that we should absolutely have assisted dying for those who want it there is nothing dignified in keeping people alive like they say. I'm sorry to hear that your having some family issues that's the worst when you don't agree for one reason or another I haven't spoken to my step brother and sisters in many years because of problems they created when my dad died. Sending u lots of hugs and love xxxx

Hi darling34, 

I totally understand. It’s all just awful. A tough time right now. I feel glad to not see Dad like that.. and I know he would be glad too. Horrendous. I also won’t be speaking to my family again.. they have made a horrendous situation horrific for me (jealous of me and dad) which I can’t help. So good riddance to them. 

I hope as the days go on this gets easier for us… I’m really hoping. I don’t think I can cry anymore. I’m just a mess. I’m sending you another hug. Take time for you now as hard as that is. I feel lost.. it’s been appointments and phone calls constantly and now nothing. It’s so hard! Please take care of yourself as best you can xxx

Hi, yes unfortunately family can be a blessing or a curse when times are hard. But I can't lie my life has been absolutely better off with out them in it so don't you worry about that. I to am the same today my days were filled with nurses doctors chemist phone calls now it's all stopped it's very strange. I just want to feel something better than this anything because iv been in survival mode so long i need to feel something other than sadness. I to can not cry any more and I said yesterday I never ever ever want to do this again. 

Yes I’ll definitely be better without them. The grief is hard without the drama on top. They can all do one now! Thank you for your reassurance.. I hope you’re right. Cancer is all I have thought about since October.. it’s ruled my life. I feel like I’ve been stood still for 6 months. It’s strange not having to pick up the phone for help.. advice or medication or appointments.

I have been trying to do a little bit of work and it has been a saviour. For a few short minutes I forget and then it comes back. I usually breakdown when work is over. I think trying to fill the days as best we can is a distraction. I’m so sorry we went through this and how I wish I could rewind and it never happened.. but I can’t. I lost my dad and now I know he was my only family friend. I can hear his voice in my head “take no notice of them”..I wish I could hear it again! I’m bereft. I miss him so bad.. wish I could call him one last time, but I said all I could to him in our last conversations and we had some lovely moments before the horrendous decline.. and I have to know that. take some time for you. I haven’t had a haircut in 6 months after dad was diagnosed.. so I’ve booked one. It’s the silly little things we didn’t get chance to do as we were consumed.. I now I know I need to get back into for some normality. It won’t take away my pain and grief, but Dad told me to live my life.. I guess I have to try to navigate and do that somehow..I just miss him so much as he was … hugs to you xx

I can relate so much to this thread, my mum was diagnosed with lung cancer in hospital on 6th April this year and she received no palliative support to cope with the diagnosis.  This makes me so angry for her looking back.

my mums wish was to get home so we managed to do this after 3 weeks in hospital she got home.  I went off work immediately to look after her at home and also support my dad.

she got 3 weeks at home but her condition declined fast, it was exhausting and heartbreaking to watch the changes in her as she was going through the dying process, physical changes and appearing really restless and distressed.  We had Distrct Nurses to call on to manage symptoms who attended quickly when called.  My mum died on May 18th, around 6 weeks after diagnosis the lung cancer spread to her kidneys, liver and bones.

im still off work as I can’t stop crying through the day as I miss my mum so much!  At night I can’t sleep as my mind goes into overdrive and I keep seeing her in they last 2 days of her life. Even sleeping pills are not helping my sleep my mind will just not shut down the images from my mind when my wee mum looked a shadow of her self and so distressed and scared.  How can I shut down these last images I have in my head?  I hoped seeing her in the funeral parlour would help move this memory but it hasn’t.