My mum's gone

I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum and what you're going through. My Mum also passed away at the end of April with lung cancer, and the last days were so distressing for her, she had lost so much weight and was confused and very upset the last 24 hours. It was unbearable to see Mum like this, as she was like a totally different person. And I am finding those memories very hard to deal with and I 'm not sure that they'll ever go, but very slowly the memories of happier times are surfacing and I  hope in time they will be the main ones. Sending you my thoughts and hugs.

Hi Kelpies

Thank you for your reply, it’s a relief to hear other people have thoughts that linger on that distressing time at the end.  No one warned me about that which is why I think I’m still struggling to process it.  

I need to try and concentrate more on the good memories I have with my mum.  I do have these through the day and often have a giggle when talking about her with my husband, dad and brother.  She was such a big personality.  I need to try and think of these kind of things as I go to bed at night.

im sorry to hear you lost your mum also and I appreciate you taking time to reply.  I’ve just started using these forums to try to help me move away from where I  feel like I am stuck especially when I try to sleep at night xx

Hello Darling!

I get your anger! My dear husband was taken from me on the 23rd June just three weeks ago. We are holding his funeral this Friday and really I don't know how or where I want to be. At the moment my house just feels so empty but in some weird way comforting. I too was with him at the end I don't think I had even realised that he had passed and the only inidication I got was that he had stopped that horrible gurgly rasping breathing that comes at the end the death rattle they call it. I had gone down to one of the hospital food kiosks to get something to eat and went back up to his room and he was still gurgling away so I put the small TV on they had in his room and then suddenly I was aware he was silent and just thought he had fallen into a deep sleep so I nudged him no response then I said his name no response lifted his hand and it just dropped so after that everything seemed to go in slow motion and I remember walking out to the nurses station and saying to them `I think he's gone` to which then two nurses rushed up checked his pulse and as I did called his name and then one said `I'm so sorry, he's at peace now`. So he too has indeed spread his angel wings too as you say. I will miss him so much as we had so many plans for the future. He wanted to be here to see our little granddaughter go to school and to see our son get married in 18 months time both of which though are not going to happen now. I too am angry because he went in last January (2022) to have his bowel cancer tumour removed and as far as they were concerned they got it all and he was clear. I asked at one of his post op appointments if he should be having any post op chemo as a precaution incase it came back and was told no it wasn't necessary and if not necessary they don't do it. Five months later in May 2022 he got a letter to say his CEA levels had risen and he needed to go for another CT scan and it was confirmed the cancer had returned and that some very small cells hard to pick up on a scan had escaped and were able to form another tumour. Sessions of chemotherapy followed but he got very ill through it and the chemo ended up damaging his kidneys so had to be stopped completely and after that he began to take continuous bouts of sepsis his last one he was admitted to hospital on June the 1st this year and between that and the cancer unfortunately this was going to take him this time after being able to recover from the previous sepsis infections. I still maintain had he had that post op chemo he may still be here today but at the time when they tell you the cancer has gone you are so elated that you will believe what they tell you because they are the experts but there sometimes they don't always get it right. My love, condolences and best wishes to you. 

Vicky x

Hi Vicky I am so so sorry you lost your husband even now three months on I remember that moment as if it happened an hour ago. I don't think il ever get that sound out of head or the memories they flash in my mind all the time and I'm right back in that room. It's been three months for me and if I'm honest it's all just a blur I have days now though where I don't cry but I still have days where I cry all day everyday it's very much a one day at a time and try and survive try and go on because it's what they would have wanted but the thought of things they will never get to see that they should be here for breaks me often. The fact that my mother was given no choice no option and fight I ask my self all the time what if what if I done something sooner what if I never made her have the second biopsy so I totally get how you feel you will always wonder if you should have pushed for more when he had the all clear but unfortunately we can't go back only forward now so I try not to think to much on the what if you have enough to feel and go through right now with out added guilt. My best advice is be kind to your self don't rush into anything take the time you need and it will be hard the hardest thing you will ever do but take comfort in the fact you done your best for your husband and you were with him every step of the way because I do believe that when your leaving this world all you need is the people who love you to be there I know my mother is so proud of me and I know she is at peace I just feel it so I know your husband would be so proud of you. Once the funeral is done I found that the hardest time to be honest the actual funeral went by in a blur like the rest but after it and the world kept spinning and people went back to work and out on weekends and life just carried on I find that very hard because my life has still ended and I'm not there yet but I'm starting slowly to feel a little hope that I can carry on and one day I will smile again.

All my love 

Tasha 

Oh thank you so much for your reply Tasha. What you say just resonates so much with me. I think what I am more concerned about is being on my own in the future. What do I do? and as most say what will my purpose in life be. At my age 60 I should be starting to think about retirement and both of us so looked forward to that all the plans we had together but have now been cruelly taken from us. I still have my son and his partner and our little grandaughter and still care for my older sister who has mental and learning disabilities so I know I have a purpose there but what do I do for me I keep asking myself. When my husband was here he worked away a lot and think this is why Being on my own at home doesn't phase me but I think it's just being without your life partner which is so upsetting. We were together for 40 years and practically did everything together it was always just the two of us and that is going to be really hard to accept with him being no longer here. 

x

Hi so sorry for you're loss,I lost my mum to bowel cancer last week it spread to her bones. I feel completely broken. 

Hi there, I am so so sorry that you have lost your mum to cancer a week ago it's so fresh and I know to well how lost and alone you feel. I am 10 months in now 10 months since I lost my mum it feels crazy even saying it. I wish I could tell you that the pain get easier but I am very much still broken as well our mum's were a part of us and I know I will never be whole again because she's gone. What I can say is though you have to feel what you feel don't hide it take every second as it comes because it will be seconds at first but as the months go by I can say now I take it every day at a time it's there all the time but there are times when it's attacks me worse and those are the days where I have to stop I have to let it in feel it cry scream all day long and know that tomorrow is another day. You will have so much to process that comes later on and its so painful I know I can promise you though you can survive this and you will but you need to fight for it what helps me is knowing that if my mother can go through what she did with such bravery then I can do anything because she was amazing right till the end. I hope when the time is right you can take a little comfort in my little advice I have to give. 

• So sorry to hear about you're mum, my mum passed in January this year from bowel cancer that spread to her bones , then to her brain. To watch someone you love, not have a peaceful ending horrible.