Devastated...cant believe I am back here again

Dear Darling34, 

I do know exactly how you feel. Some time has passed for me now but the feelings of disbelief and sadness  that Mum was gone were unfathomable at the time.

Mum was picking my children up from school one day and  mentioned to me that she had back pain. First sign or symptoms of anything. 6 weeks later she was gone from pancreatic cancer. She was 64 and so lively and energetic. She died in pain and watching her go was very traumatic. I remember at the time someone flippantly said how at least she had died peacefully. They had insensitively made that assumption and it really hurt. They weren’t trying to hurt me but nobody understands unless they have been through it.

i know how hard it is that they didn’t even get the chance of treatment. I still have days where I feel so sad that Mum isn’t here but I can also smile and remember her warmth and kindness and how much she loved us. I still feel so robbed but also so grateful to have had her. I promise that in time you will remember Mum and smile but I know that isn’t always helpful to hear now. I just don’t want you to think it won’t get easier. 

i am now losing Dad too, though not to cancer, to sudden onset dementia. He is young too. It feels very unfair to lose them both so cruelly. 

it is easy to feel very alone. Lots of people on here know how you feel. You’re not alone xx

I lost my mum 3 weeks ago, she had pancreatic cancer aswell, I am here if you need a chat. Xx

Hi thank you for your reply I'm so sorry you lost your mum and now your dad is ill itd a cruel world. All I see right now is the woman cancer turned her into skin and bones and the long end that come with it my mother in the end was drugged up to the max but she was in pain for the longest time she was so I'll the memories are horrific I really feel like iv been to war and seem some horrific things that I can't come back from. I'm so glad she's out of pain but I grief the time that I didn't have and why did she have to be taken like that. It's getting harder already because it's like the world keeps spinning while mine has stopped and there is so much to do with her house and stuff and phone calls to make I just don't want to do it right now. 

Hi I'm so sorry you lost your mum to this awful disease as well there is nothing worse. How are you doing 3 weeks in have you tried to get back to some sort of new normal 

Hi I'm still so angry as well as there was no option no choice just that was it. And the memories at the moment are so horrific I feel like iv been to war and seen some awful things I to see my mum skin and bones the way it took her was just awful. I already feel like the world keeps spinning andine has stopped. It's very hard. I have no idea how long I can or will have off work I have been off six weeks already. I can't think right now about work and life all I'm focusing on is getting up in the morning and surviving. I'm completely lost mentally and physically life is so cruel and I done nothing to deserve this neither did my beautiful mum. I think going back to work will be a good thing to keep u busy but it will come right back as soon as leave. People are full of sorries at the moment and after the funeral that will all stop and life will carry on I just have no idea how to live a life with out her in it. 

Everyones comments are hitting home so much, my mum seemed like a skeleton at the end althogh she put up a fight right till the end, I don't think she wanted to leave her grandchildren. People are always saying at least she is at peace now but i just keep thinking of everything she had to endur, she did not want to leave us even with what she had to deal with, she wasnt ready. Untill your family has been affected by cancer you really cannot prepare or even fathom how truly heart wrenching the whole journey is from the beginning to the end for all the family.

My mum was 55, she was the kindest most supportive person that would do anything for anyone, and doted on her grandchildren. I spent nearly everyday with her I miss her so much. 

I'm keeping busy all the time but when I stop I don't cope well, and I cannot sleep! Really struggling with it... then some days I feel numb, like it hasn't even happened maybe that's me trying to cope I don't know. 

What do you say when people ask if your OK? Everytime someone asks me I don't know what to say to them. 

My.mum was exactly the same my god she put up a fight till the end. Of course she didn't want to go but they had no choice that's what hurts the most is there was no choice and the whole thing is so painful I'm sat here tonight tears down my face just thinking about what iv been through in five months how quick everything fell apart and how hard the journey was I'm in shock even though I new it was coming my body is in shock how quick it all changed I feel numb to some days I think I'm denial then other days I'm so angry I'm trying to stay sort of busy but the problem is I don't want to do anything. I'm so tired I hardly slept the last six weeks so I'm just exhausted physically and mentally iv been in so much pain for five months now it's a different pain mixed in with the normal pain I don't even remember what it feels like to live a normal life not in pain at the moment and the thought of going back to what resembles a normal life well its just not on my card right now I don't think I can do it I think I would have a break down. I have found the whole how are u are u ok question very hard through this whole thing and now I have resulted in not answering people when they message are u ok because I don't know how to say I'm not ok and nothing had changed since u last asked me. I know people mean well and they struggle with what to say to me the people who mean the most to me have taken to just saying I'm here so the other people who ask me are just being generic and I don't care to much for that.