Devastated...cant believe I am back here again

I can totally relate to both feeling alone and feeling like a child.  I lost my Mum to pancreatic cancer as well, 1 year ago, and have gone through the stages of grief but am struggling a bit, hence I'm here.  Unlike you, I still have my Dad but have often thought how devastated I would be if he went as well.

So I guess, I just wanted to say that you will get through it, but reach out for support.  And I know, to some extent, how you feel.  It's a really, really awful time and absolutely NOTHING can prepare you for it.  I'm sorry for what you're going through.

Hi 

Thanks for your message and I hope you are ok. Its so horrible. Feel like only just got to stage where I can talk about mum without crying and now my dad. I always thought at least we still have dad.

Pancreatic cancer is awful we were robbed as I am sure you were. I had never heard of it before mum. Just miss them both terribly and wish they were here. 

Sending you strength here if you need to chat xx

Hi I'm so sorry I thought I would reply because I am very much the same as you I lost my dad to cancer at 23 now I'm 34 and I'm watching my mum on her last days on the bed next to me dying of pancreatic cancer so you are not alone I totally understand what your going through it's a cruel world that had made me lose any hope or little faith I had and to be left alone in this world at 34 scares the shit out of me I say I'm an orphan now I have noone left and it's scary and the pain is unreal I don't know how one person can go through so much pain and still stand I don't have any words of advice to say it will get better because the pain never leaves you as you know you manage to get the strength the get back up but a second time around like me I have no idea how I am going to get back up this time but I wanted to let you know that u are not alone and there is someone out there who's knows and feels your pain I'm here to chat any time xxx

Hey,

Thanks so much for your message. Its horrile isnt it but we will get through this. I cant believe my dad has been gone now for a week. I try my hardest to think they wouldnt want this for me and I know this is so true  my mum would be so sad for us and I know my dad hung for us. He was ill in the end but still kept his wit. My dad was quite pragmatic and said ...its life love! and he was ready and if he didnt have children wiuld have been gone before.

So hard I cant believe I am noy going to call him again as usual in the morning and see him in his usual place in the house but I also know I wouldnt want him how he was at the end.

Its hard to see happiness isnt it? My mum went from Pancreatic horrible so quick too and she was everything to us but i clung to still being lucky having dad.

None of my friends have been through this its hard I feel bitter too sometimes like why me and my brothers and sisters and why my parents.

Here if you ever need to talk or vent xxx

It's horrendous it really is none of my friends have been through it either so like you I can feel very alone losing everything so fast in life it has definitely taken it toll on me. And watching my mum now is breaking me pancreatic cancer is awful and my mum is the same by god she is fighting I'm on day 6 no response no fluid intake and she is still hanging on its killing me. I haven't gone through the grief with my mother yet I call this grief before the grief but I can imagine it being even harder than my dad but I have been through grief with my dad it's been many years now and to this day I still cry and it still hurts but the hurt does get easier over the years life just seems to carry on doesn't it and before you know it's been years and you wonder how the hell did I get here. Losing both parents is like being left in this world completely alone it's scary but I do believe that the way they have raised me hopefully will prepare me for that. Hopefully you can take some comfort in knowing they raised you for this to be strong independent caring person and that will make them so proud. I am here as well it won't be to long and I will be elim the exact same position as you so we can help eachother through the journey 

Hey

How are you holding up? Silly question I know. I keep telling myself that they taught me to be strong which they did but still cant believe he is gone. I think it will really hit me when everything returns to normal..work etc and everything just goes back. I think i need to make changes in my life/routine etc as will be hard as dad was big part of my weekends etc. I cant even remember how I got through it before my family I guess. In that way I am lucky I have a sister who I am very close to and two brothers. Do you have sibings? 

I stupidly thought I had more time with him and he would come home. One saving grace is that we were with him and same with mum. My mum could hear everything even at the end so definitely talk to your mum etc ( im sure you are)

I remember telling mum we loved her and her girls were with her and she responded and made a moaning sound and I am sure she was saying it back. She was all about her children.  God I look back now and cant even believe it. 

Hope you are doing ok and here if you need a chat. xxx

Hi, my mum actually passed away yesterday so I'm very glad she is out of that cruelty but left now with so much anger and frustration that cancer took her from me. I spoke a lot to my mum towards the end but as the days went on it because harder and harder to speak in the end she didn't have a clue who was there I don't think there was nothing. I have a brother and a sister in law who I am close to but it doesn't matter who I'm close to it will never be the one person I will want in my life which is my mum noone will ever be able to be enough. I think to it will hit me when life returns to normal I haven't been in work for 6 weeks so far I really don't know what to do I feel like I need a lot of time to process and heal and find myself again but I also feel like work is a great distraction to keep busy but I'm not rushing into any of that yet. Lots of love xxx

I'm going to attempt a reply to both of you, with something that might not help, but I'd like to try.

There is nothing that eases the pain in the early days, or even perhaps the first few months and I don't think there's any solution but to carry on.  Eventually, and the time is different for everyone, but it does get easier.  But for all of us, losing our parents beyond a certain age is just a sad and unfortunate reality.

I didn't personally feel angry, other than with God, but we worked that out too as time went on.  I can't feel angry because there are people who are taken much sooner and in far worse ways than cancer and, don't get me wrong, when I say that I understand first hand how terribly awful pancreatic cancer is.

I once spoke to a woman who had an argument with her parents, right before they want away for the weekend and they both died in a car accident on the way.  Their last words were harsh ones; can you imagine the guilt from that?!  I guess what I'm try to say, whether it brings any comfort or not, is that there will always be people better off than us, and worse off than us - with parents who lived to 90 and parents who died in their 30s.  That's not to invalidate your feelings, either of you - grief is an awful time and a horrendous mix of emotions, but just know that you aren't alone and it WILL get easier.

Don't be afraid to ask for help, either personally or with sleeping, as I had to for a few months after I lost my Mum.

My love and best wishes to both of you.  I'm 1 year on so any questions you have, anything I can help with, please ask away or just rant at me, at the world, at whatever you want to.

Hi thank you for replying I think everyone's version of someone dying is just awful my friend lost her mum very suddenly she is left with a lot of things she wish she said and did I lost my mum over time and left with absolutely awful memories would I have chosen to lose.my mother suddenly over this absolutely but are pain and loss is the same regardless of how it happened. I would have been ok as I can be if my mum was an old lady and went in her sleep peacefully but she wasn't old and it wasn't peaceful that's what hurts it's not the fact she's gone because I'm glad she is out of pain but it's how she went I can't close my eyes right now with out seeing her there or hearing the noise of her breathing towards the end it really is traumatising. I was never religious but I think I had faith but that's completely gone now. I know times a healer and this is all very very fresh but I also now that no matter how much times goes my heart will always search for her as it does even today after my dad and he died many years ago but my heart still yearns for him and it will even more for my mother. I wish nobody had to go through this pain of cancer it really is a cruel world and so many people are going through the exact same thing I am right now because of cancer and that makes me sad and angry that we cant cure it and some people like my mum were left with no choice at all no treatment no nothing but to accept their fate she never stood a chance .

Hey

So sorry about your mum. I feel for you as I know exactly how you feel. This morning isnt a good morning hence why I am on here so early. I felt so angry when mum went ...no option of treatment nothing well one round of Chemo then she was too weak. I still feel angry now why her..why us but its got a bit easier and I have more nice memories if that makes sense. The memories of her like skin and bone I dont see now just her as she always was. You will get this too eventually I promise but I know this doesnt make it easier now.

I am not sure whether I am in shock a bit with dad or not. I also feel I did so much crying over the last few months but still feel like why did both my parents not get the chance to fight or treatment just acceptance and palliative care. Life is cruel but I have to tell myself that unless I am going to end it I have to find some happiness at some point or just concentrate on little things even if its one thing in the day like a walk or a coffee without crying. But it isnt easy at all and feel broken alot.

I get it though please believe me. I had and still have anger over my mum and probably always will do. My dad was more accepting than my mum as he knew etc and probably processed it. My dad was also ill for a while with various other big things whereas my mum wasnt at all. Full of life on our holidays together. My mum practically went silent the last month. 

I feel the same about work scared to go back i go back Tuesday ( only had a week off and then I was on holiday although obviously not a holiday for a week). Scared to go back to normal days and everyone just acts like its  normal but it is to them. I learnt this with mum as you might have with your dad.  People only react or ask for a while and then its like nothings happened. Usually after the funeral. But its not their reality I guess. 

Hope you are ok today here if you need xxxx