I am writing this in the hope it may be both a help for others going through intense grief, and, to some extent, cathartic to myself to share the experience.
Background:
We lost my Step Dad in October at the age of 53. The term 'Step Dad' doesn't really do justice to him in all honesty. He was my best friend and a fantastic second father to me and my sister. An incredibly head strong and determined individual, he has influenced our lives beyond comprehension, and we miss him dearly every day.
4 1/2 years ago, they found a tumor on his kidney that was 25cm long and gave the diagnosis of 3 months left to live. Following on from the amazing treatment and clinical trial offered at Clatterbridge Cancer Hospital, the tumor shrank significantly, and we went through four years of relatively normal life, with the standard ups and downs that come from cancer treatment plans.
Around May 2022, following on from three or four changes of treatment, we were told that we were now on the last plan of action and it was unlikely to do anything. My Step dad was also told that it had spread to his bones and stomach, but did not divulge this information to us. As his appetite faded and he became irritable and cross at times, the last 6 months were particularly hard emotionally, especially for my mother. As we were unaware of how bad the cancer was, my patience ran thin a few times, and for this I do feel some guilt.
In October, Jaundice began to set in as a tumor had blocked his bile duct. After three attempts to unblock it, it was clear there was nothing more to be done, so we took him home to pass away with us in the house. The passing was as he wanted it to be, surrounded by friends and family, but the deterioration was rapid and brutal to watch. Within 12 hours he was unable to stand without hyper-ventilating due to the fluid in his lungs. His skin and eyes were bright yellow and I'm pretty sure he had gone blind and could no longer see us. He began to thrash around in his last 10 minutes, which was immensely distressing to watch. Whilst the nurses who were with us reassured us this is normal for patients who are terminally ill and they do not feel anything, the noises and the movements are something I see in my head regularly and do not match up with these assurances. Whilst I am pretty sure he had mentally checked out hours before this, its something that will stay with us all for a long time.
Physical Grief:
Days after the death, I noticed my heart racing on multiple occasions. I would have flutters in my chest that did not necessarily correspond with feelings of anxiousness. I did also have periods of anxiety set in, which I have never experienced before. In addition to this, I experienced quite severe memory loss. I would be physically unable to recall something I had done 15 seconds before i.e. move a book, or a recall a sentence I've just said.
All of this combined was extremely alarming and not something I was expecting to happen, so I booked an appointment with my GP. She informed me that I was likely experiencing minor PTSD and all of these symptoms are totally normal for someone who has witnessed a traumatic event. Nevertheless, she gave me an ECG and blood tests to reassure me (something i am truly grateful for). Both of these came back with no issues.
Almost three months on from the passing and these symptoms have all calmed down significantly. I have days of anxiousness, as I do now whilst I type this, however these are more infrequent and less severe. I hope however, that if someone else has witnessed something as distressing, they can be reassured that physical symptoms of grief are totally normal as well as the normal feelings of numbness etc.
Thank you for reading and I hope this is of some help to someone
