Missing Dad

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your dad. I'm sure lots of people can offer support on this forum today is my first day on it and already finding it useful it's nice to know none of us are on our own.  My dad is terminal and found out today that he hasn't got long left i'm 28 and getting married this year i'm lost and don't know what to do. 

Hi,

I know we have previously spoken before. I just wanted to comment and say I know how you feel about the Chapel of Rest. I was very nervous about seeing my Dad, very emotional, it was heartbreaking but I’m glad I went, I went 3 times. 
I put photos, a card, and bits from my children in with him. It’s a surreal experience but take your time and just do what you can when you are there.

Take Care

x

Hi Sheep,

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad and that you and your family are having to go through this. Life is so cruel.

When did your dad get diagnosed if you don't mind me asking.

As you say, it's nice to know that none of us our on our own with the way we are feeling.

I'm wishing you and your family love as I know how difficult this journey is. Xxxx

Hi Essex1,

Thank you for your message. I visited my grandma in the chapel of rest and have always regretted it really, as it didnt really seem like her. And this time is going to be infinitely harder.

I'm dreading seeing him lying in his forever bed (I can't bring myself to use the proper word). 

I left some photos with him of all of the family when he passed at the hospice and they are still with him. I've also written him a letter to have with him and have made him a clay trinket of a bike (as he was a cycling enthusiast) and a pansy (as we used to plant them when I was a kid).

I'm just so worried that I will never get the image of him lying in his forever bed out of my head once I see him. I'm already struggling with thinking of watching him take his last breaths.

I feel like the emotions are all really hitting me this week. I just want him back. xx

Hi,

It was my first time visiting anybody in the Chapel of Rest, it was surreal and he looked like my Dad but didn’t, it was odd but it was my Dad lying there so I wanted to be with him. 

I’m 9 weeks and 1 day in to losing him, I’ve cried everyday and wish every night he could still be here. I’ll be honest I think about him everyday laying in the hospital bed watching him take his last breaths but whether that memory will fade overtime I don’t know.

Its a brave thing you are doing tomorrow, it won’t be easy. I said to myself I would rather live with the heartbreak of seeing my Dad at the chapel of rest then the regret of not going.

All the best x 

Hi,

I just visited my dad yesterday, and like you said with visiting your dad, it was like dad but not.

It was so hard as my mum broke down in tears when we first saw him and was saying that she couldn't believe that he was gone. I've not seen her cry a lot so far, so that was so difficult.

My mum is so glad that we visited my dad though as she said he looked lovely, as the last time we saw him he had just passed away and his mouth was wide open and he wasn't in his own clothes.

I am glad that I went and think inwoild have regretted it if I hadn't, but I am struggling more since yesterday as it has made it all seem so much more real seeing him.in his forever bed. I keep thinking of him there and can't understand how my fit dad who was walking around and playing games with me just a few weeks ago is now lying there.

I've started to feel quite angry as well now since yesterday about how unfair it is that he was taken from us. I can't get my head around the fact that cancer took him so suddenly from us.

I know everyone says this, but it just isn't something that happens to us, it happens to other people. I can't believe that my dad is gone and I have to go on with the rest of my life without him.

1. Hi,

Well done for going yesterday, it really is a brave thing and an image that will be with you for a long time.

I don’t ever regret going, as hard as it was, I wanted to be with him again.

Bless your Mum, it must be so hard for our Mum’s losing their husbands but also their life partner of so many years. 

Same as you, my Dad didn’t look great when he passed, he was very jaundiced and his mouth was also open, and his eyes too. It was brutal. Cancer is very cruel and the rapidness it can take somebody is wicked.

You will have so many emotions, I’ve been tearful the last couple of days just looking at his photos. The hole and emptiness of losing them is just blah isn’t it? I can’t put a word to it. Today we are at my Aunts for lunch, my Dad’s sister, and I’m sad because my Dad loved family get togethers and he should be there with us. 

I find talking is good, even if it is on here. 

x

Thank you for your kind words.

It is so sad for our mums As you say, they have lost their life partners they have been by their side for so long. 

I feel like it's a double heartbreak. The sadness of loosing our dads, and then all the sadness of thinking of our mums alone now.

I too keep looking at photos of my dad. It makes me so sad and I cry every time I look at them. Hopefully one day we will be able to think of our dads and sadness isnt the first thing we feel. Although i can't see that happening personally, at least not for a long time.

I find it really hits me at times and I think 'my dad is dead. How is this possible?'. And I have to sit and take a long time processing it.

How are you and your family coping after nearly 2 months? Are things any easier?

We have the funeral on Tuesday and I'm not sure if things will feel worse of better after that. What were your experiences after the funeral? 

Thank you for always taking to me. As you say, it really does help to speak to other people going through the same thing. x

You are welcome.

From speaking to others who have lost a loved one, my husband lost his Mum when he was 19, that’s coming up to 16 years ago this year. He says you never get over the loss, but the pain becomes a bit softer and looking at photos and videos will make you smile rather than cry. Like you, I’m still yet to even imagine that being possible. 

I find it hard to put “Dad” and “died” in the same sentence and I struggle to read anything that says “in memory of” or “passed away” when my Dad is mentioned.

We are just taking it day by day. I cry everyday. My Mum has OK days but has been very tearful the last few days. We talk about him all the time and still refer to him as being here. All his stuff is still hanging up, his shoes, coats etc are exactly where they have always been. I’m taking over his car in May because I can’t bear the thought of it being sold and a stranger driving it. 

For me personally, the funeral out the way didn’t make it any easier. It was such a surreal experience and even now I can’t believe I have been to my Dad’s funeral. How did you find making plans? Collecting his ashes was hard and I’m still waiting to get comfort from them being at my parents house, I have a small heart urn at home with me but I just find it too sad. He should be here.

It does help, even if you just vent or get what you need to off your chest, everyone in this group has sadly lost a loved one x 

Firstly, I'm so sorry for your loss and the pain your experiencing. I read your post and just wanted to reach out as I had a similar experience, it's been 6 weeks now since I lost my dad to prostate cancer. I'm also 34 and just like you I feel like I was too young to lose my dad and he was too young to lose his life - it won't bring him back but I think talking about and expressing the injustice of this can be helpful. 

My dad had a long battle - five years in total, two different types of primary cancer and a period of remission, but he also went into hospice care and declined extremely quickly, I think it's really hard to get your head around that idea that someone can be there one minute (albeit very weak) and then suddenly not there, after a whole life time together - how do you even begin to comprehend that? I'm not sure how you feel now, but I for one am still in shock and I have to remind myself of the truth every single day. 

Some things I have comforting that maybe can help you too, knowing that he lives on through me, literally, his genes are in me and I have to carry that forward and live my life as he would want. I find comfort in not seeing him suffer any more. I like to talk to him and write to him, it helps me to feel close to him still and lastly I'm grateful for having him in the first place, even if 34 years was too little, I'm grateful for the love we shared in that time. Lastly, I think it really helps to talk to people who have gone through something similar, if for nothing else but to feel less alone. 

Sending you lots of strength.