Missing Dad

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My dad passed away 2 weeks ago after being diagnosed with stomach cancer in November.

I'm not really sure what the point of my post is, but just wanted to talk to others who have been through a similar experience I guess.

My dad seemed to be doing okay but at the beginning of March he suddenly went downhill and spent his last 3 weeks in a hospice, where we were told he only had days to short weeks left, which was an absolute shock. We were hoping he would be coming home.

I spent his last 6 days with him at the hospice and spent 4 nights sleeping there holding his hand throughout the night. It was torture as he was unconscious for his last 4 days, and my mum and I felt trapped in his room knowing he was never going to wake up.

I was there when he took his last breath and I sas the only one to witness it. I keep thinking about it, and even though it was peaceful, I'm finding it quite hard to deal with. How could my wonderful dad just have faded away in front of my eyes. It's an image I'll never forget, but I'm glad he wasnt alone.

I'm going to visit him in the Chapel of Rest tomorrow but I'm dreading it. It will make it all seem so real.

I feel like I was doing better the first week after he passed. I think maybe there was some relief (which I feel selfish about) that I wasnt in the hospice anymore, as it really was so hard being there for so long. But I'm feeling worse this week. Maybe it's properly hit me that he is gone.

My dad was 78 but was so fit. I'm sure of he hadn't had cancer he would have lived to his 90s.

I was so scared when he got diagnosed that he might only have 6 months (he never wanted to know his prognosis), but in the end he only had 4 and a half. How can he have been taken so quickly.

My parents had me quite late and I am only 34 and feel too young to have lost my dad. I can't believe that he is gone. How am I supposed to go the rest of my life without ever talking to or cuddling him again?

I keep thinking about the things we used to do together and it makes me so sad that we won't be able to do them anymore. I keep trying to think 'well at least I was lucky to have had such an amazing dad and to make all these memories', but the sadness is so overwhelming.

Link103 over 2 years ago in reply to Essex1

Hi Essex1,

I know exactly what you mean. The words 'dad's and 'dead' just don't seem right in the same sentence. I've found it hard receiving sympathy cards. Seeing people writing down that they have heard that dad 'has passed', is just so awful.

One of my brothers has done quite a bit of the funeral arrangements, but I found it so surreal being at the funeral directors planning it. We have had a long wait as well as we wanted the service in a church and its been Easter.

I'm dreading it tomorrow.

How was your family get together? I hope you all managed to find some happy times together. My family and I had Easter Sunday together which was nice, but it felt so sad my dad not being there. But I tried to take comfort in the fact that I know he would have loved for us all to have had a nice day. x

Link103 over 2 years ago in reply to Brown Eyed Girl

Hi Brown Eyed Girl,

Thank you for your message, amdnim so sorry to hear that you have lost your dad as well. Life is so unfair.

I never knew cancer could cause such a rapid decline. I thought it would have been slower and we would have had more warning. But I try to take comfort from the fact that my dad didnt suffer for too long.

I totally understand the shock feeling. Sometimes infeel okayish, and then I have to remind myself that my dad is gone, and I can't believe it. How can we never chat to them ever again or go to them for advice?

Thank you for the comforting words. I too have been thinking he is still here as he is part of me, and also trying to focus on being grateful for having such an amazing dad for 34 years. Some people dont even have that.

I guess the fact that we are hurting so much shows how much we loved and were loved by our dads, and that's a lovely thing really. x

Essex1 over 2 years ago in reply to Link103

Hi,

It’s all such a surreal experience, so much emotional torture for a family to go through.

Will be thinking of you and your family tomorrow, somehow we find the strength to get through it, you’ll do it for your Dad.

The family get together was nice but like you say, it’s always sad because our Dad’s aren’t there. My cousin announced she was pregnant which was lovely but I just felt sadness because my Dad isn’t here to share the news. We are off to my parents house today for a BBQ and it’s just so surreal not seeing him open the front door to us or pretend to run away from the kids when he opens the door. I honestly believe a piece of you dies also when you lose a loved one.

I’m sure your Dad was there with you all. I tell myself Dad is with us all the time, I know some people don’t believe in that but I’d like to think he is around.

Link103 over 2 years ago in reply to Essex1

Hi,

It was my dad's funeral yesterday and I'm finding I feel so much worse this morning. I can't stop crying. I just want him back so desperately.

I was hoping that talking to people at the wake would give me some lovely stories about my dad, but my family and I didn't get there for a while as we were at the burial and when we got back to the church hall, a lot of people had left and it felt a bit strange. I feel like I have missed out on having a proper send off for him.

I cried the whole way through the service. All my life when I have gone to funerals I have always dreaded the day that i would be at my parents ones, and I couldn't believe I was sat at my dad's funeral.

I'm also worried that my mum is going to struggle a lot more now as she was so nervous about the funeral, I think that was taking a lot of her attention, but now it is over I think it will hit her more that he is gone.

The funeral director yesterday said that 78 is young as well, so in keep thinking about that and about how cancer robbed my dad of the rest of his life.

I've put a photo album together of all the photos I have found so far of my dad, right up until the photos we took of him in the hospice and infeel so sad looking through it all.

I just feel like I am gradually feeling worse and dont know if it will get any easier. x

Essex1 over 2 years ago in reply to Link103

Hi,

I wondered how it all went for you and your family.

The Funeral Director said to me, as strange as it sounds, it’s almost like a big build up like it would be for your wedding, and once it’s over, you feel deflated. She also said that after the funeral it does hit people. Just from my own experience, it will be a rough time but you will very slowly start to pick yourself up, there is no time frame on that though so don’t pressure yourself.

I found some photos of my Dad and us on holiday last night and it broke my heart because we will never have those holidays again. He was so young at just 68 years old.

Looking at endless photos and videos and talking about him all the time is getting us through at the moment. Give yourself some time, it’s a traumatic experience xx

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