Dad is on last few days

Hi

I am sorry you find yourself in this group.

I lost my Dad 6 weeks 4 days ago. He had extensive Lung Cancer. I understand how you feel having to watch and wait. My Dad really deteriorated from mid January but the last few weeks of his life, he really struggled. We got called to the hospital as he went in with what was diagnosed with a chest infection, but it was progression of his cancer. He had a few chest infections during his diagnosis and chemo so we assumed he would be coming out. 

We stayed with him the whole time in hospital, 2 nights. I know how you feel when you say it isn’t really Dad, I feel like my Dad drifted away from us after his diagnosis, not because he wanted to but because he knew what was coming. It was very hard seeing him struggle in the hospital, like you, I was fearful for what was coming but also didn’t want him to struggle anymore, he had had enough and he had no quality of life.

I miss him every second of every day. I am grateful I could be with Dad when he passed, he had 9 of us with him. I try and take comfort that he doesn’t have to deal with this anymore.

Keep is posted and sending you virtual hugs. 

Hi 

i am sorry you are in this position. I’ve been through this with both my parents. Dad was 6 weeks in hospice and he slept most of the last 2 = waking after a week saying- God am I  still here - so he then slept to a gentle and peaceful end. We were with him too as it’s all we can do. Look after yourself, take breaks, we had a few visitors which relieved th tension. Don’t have any regrets and the hospice staff can advise you and support you.

Hi Essex1,

Thank you for replying to my post. I am so sorry to hear that you lost your dad. Are you finding the pain any easier to bear as time goes on? Although it is still such a recent loss for you.

I've never lost anyone close before, so I am really struggling.

My dad is still holding on  it is unconscious. They said yesterday that they would be surprised if he was here by morning today, but he still is.

I'm finding it so hard sitting here everyday watching my dad fading more and more each day and knowing I'll never speak to him again.

I'm so scared about what will happen when he does pass. I want to be with him as I promised him he won't be alone, but I'm so scared of how hard and painful it will be to see.

I'm so sorry again to hear about your dad. I hope you have a close family to help you through this. xx

Hi Nicky,

I'm so sorry to hear that you lost both of your parents this way. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you.

Does the pain get any easier? I can't imagine I will where be able to think about my dad without bursting into tears.

Did you spend the whole of his last 2 weeks by his side? 

It's so hard as my dad is just unconscious and it's not really him anymore. I feel like I've lost him already and this is so painful just watching him knowing that he will never wake and speak to us again.

xx

Hi,

So far, we are 6 weeks 5 days in. I look at his photos and videos every single day. I cry, I laugh and I wish I could turn back time and he was still with us. I am still very early days and I know I am in the denial phase, I still think he will walk through the door and I just can’t imagine my life without him. I can’t read anything that says “in memory of” etc. 

Like you, I have never lost anyone close before and we are a very close family. My children adored my Dad, he was like a second father to them and I had a baby in November and got married in December. I’m thankful he got to walk me down the aisle and spend a couple of months with baby but looking at the wedding photos is hard, he was on day 2 of Radiotherapy on the date of my wedding and I am so proud of him. I will forever be grateful he got to see me and my husband marry. 

We also got told in the hospital he only had hours but he fought for longer. In the end he had some pain relief which made him unconscious so he was only awake for a few hours after we got to the hospital, he was so uncomfortable and agitated, he’d had enough, he told me he’d had enough. 

I feel for you, I really do. It’s so hard watching your parent disappear. I think about the hospital and his last moments all the time, I look back now and honestly don’t know how we managed it but you will find the strength as you will be strong for your Dad. 

For me, it is one day at a time and whatever you have to come, be proud of yourself you are there with your Dad and although he may not be conscious, he knows you are there.

Keep us posted and genuinely sending you all the support. 

Lucie x 

Hi Lucie 

It's so hard to believe it's all real isn't it. How can our dad's who were well not very long ago, have suddenly disappeared.

My dad is still clinging on. The doctors and one of the nurses spoke to me this morning and said they are all so surprised that he is still with us. They all thought he would have left us days ago.

I'm so worried that he is clinging on because he is worried about how my mum will cope without him. Or whether it's just because he has such a fit body for a 78 year old as he was an avid cyclist.

None of my family can bring ourselves to say to him that it is okay to let go, but we keep telling him that we will all be okay as he taught us to love and look after each other and to be strong, and that we will look after my mum.

The truth is, I dont know how we will cope without him, especially my mum.

I'm on my 6th day at the hospice sitting with him, and spending my 4th night here tonight. I'm exhausted and was preparing for him to be gone before the weekend, but instead I find myself still here in the same room watching my dad fading away

I wonder if I will feel any better when he is at peace, but I feel awful for thinking that. But he is basically gone anyway. It's such a strange place to be.

Thank you for you support and I hope you are finding each day a bit easier.

Thank you for chatting to me. I find it comforting to talk to someone who has gone through the same. 

Vicky x

Vicky,

I know, I think back to this time last year when everything was normal, even though we were in the middle of a pandemic, I’d go back there tomorrow.

He is definitely a fighter. Do you mind me asking which type of cancer he has? My Dad slipped away when we were all talking amongst ourselves in his room, we had whispered to him he could go and to not be scared and we would look after each other but he did still go on for hours after but eventually left us. I honestly don’t know how we are coping and even writing this and talking about my Dad like this is very surreal.

I’m not sure how long your parents have been together but my parents were about to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary this May. Married at 17 and all in all together for over 50 years. We are just keeping each other going. 

Don’t feel guilty about anything, it’s so hard to experience all of this, it really is. I didn’t want my Dad to go but we couldn’t bare seeing him struggle anymore and he had stopped eating and drinking and just didn’t have any quality of life. My aunt said to me in the hospital after my Dad had passed that this will be the hardest thing you will ever go through in life and nothing will break you after this.  

Genuinely sending you support and will be thinking of you all. Please message me anytime also if you need to and keep us updated.

Lucie x 

Thank you Lucie,

My dad has stomach cancer, diagnosed at stage 4. He never wanted to know his prognosis or talk about the cancer which has made everything harder. From my own research though, I knew survival of stage 4 stomach cancer was very slim, and his chemo only had a 30% success rate. But he had chemo booked in until may so i thought we would at least have a few more months with him. His decline was so quick since the beginning of Marchx it took us all by surprise.

My parents have been together nearly as long as yours. They have been married 48 years, and together for 2 or 4 years before that. My mum so desperately wanted to get to their 50th anniversary. It makes it so hard doesnt it when they have been together so long. How can they face life without each other. But then I try to think how lucky our parents have been to have been together in such loving relationships for so long, it's so rare.

My dad's breathing is shallower now than it was earlier. I'm so scared he will go tonight. I've felt ready the last few days but today I feel like I can't cope with it. I'm not sure if it's because i popped home quickly for the first time today in 4 days or if because my brother went back home (nearly 4 hours away) yesterday.

I think your aunt is right. If we can get through loosing a parent, then we can get through anything. x

Vicky,

I do understand why people do not want to know their prognosis, it must be awful just staring your mortality in the face everyday. My Dad always asked how long, which we always disliked as we always thought he would be here and always thought it was a negative way to look at it, but now, we really regret not being more open about his cancer with him. We were just in denial the whole time and we regret that now for his benefit.

Our parents have been together most of their lives, my Dad was just 68 when he passed, went into hospital on his birthday and left us 3 days after. Was always active, played golf 3/4 times a week, always doing DIY etc and just a young man in general. You are right, how lucky are they to have a marriage and experience love like they have, it doesn’t happen often these days. We are still going to celebrate their 50th Anniversary in May and I know my Dad will be there.

I feel for you also as you have spent the last couple of weeks back and fourth and now spending all your time at the Hospice, the only thing I would say, is just talk to Dad, he can hear you all. 

Lucie x 

I spent the last 4 days 24 hours and the previous 5 plus weeks in a rota with my sister and brother but visited every day time trying to fit some work in- was able to take leave/ unpaid leave. I developed shingles on my face from stress but afterwards I tried to balance a negative memory with a positive and now think more positives to negatives. I still get flashbacks but accept them for what they are. I hope you are keeping ok as much as possible. Nicki